Effervescent Black Hole of Neediness

April 2022 Planet Alignment on the way to work.

I Just want someone that is visibly happy to see me and cares whether or not I live or die and not just because I pay their bills.
I don’t really ask for a whole lot. Not from him..I never did (even he concurred with this saying that I don’t ask for anything). All I want is for him to come beg and cry after me and mean it from the depths of his soul and I need to feel it. I want him to beg and cry and give me a lot of money and for me not to be attached or fall for it that’s all. I don’t care if I have to go the whole month without eating if I can just get that I would be so goddamn happy..🥹🥹😭😭😭

I would fucking starve myself of food for a whole month just to show the universe I’m serious about this. Maybe I stop smoking 🍀🍀 and masturbating whilst we’re at it! When would I start this and how do I go about a month-long fast when I workout and am on my feet all day? Protein shakes? Vitamins? What? I. Am. Serious. I miss Daddy, I want to see him, I want to feel nothing but disgust and turned off. I want to feel his desperation for wanting me again, crying, begging and helping me with finance stuff again.

It doesn’t even have to be for well-intentioned purposes. I want to deny, punish and break his heart like he did to me (but still accept the money because there’s no food in the house rn) I want to feel better about all of this!! I can’t even fully enjoy this new guy whose lovebombing the shit out of me at this time. Don’t even matter because then I think if this guy was sent by EBA or not..lotsa stuff. I met him over a week ago and he’s sounding an awful lot like EBA did in the beginning. Of course it’s good dopamine and serotonin hits so I have to really slow it down and make it last as long as possible.

Good Lord baby Jesus I had to do it again. So I come across a shorty-short (mentioned above) at my work who fell in love with me at first sight, so he says. Already he started with a lovebombing-red- flag parade which of course I ate up but I was fully aware. Yes, he’s better looking than EBA but he is so short and he barely speaks English and he lives an hour away from me I don’t like those things. I do like how he was making me feel the things that he was saying and stuff like that I only met him about two weeks ago so it hasn’t really been that long.

So because I respond to lovebombing for some ungodly and unhealthy reason I proceeded to entertain this person. You should’ve seen the texts that he sent me..sooooo much “love at first sight” and “adore you” and “crazy about you” and fucking “god watching our love story unfold” and shit!
Somethings that I thought was that maybe it was the translator and/or he’s just a very passionate Latin man. He did come from Honduras six years ago (so he says) so of course what I’m thinking is that he needs a green card or something. Which is fine with me as long as you tell me and don’t lie to me with a bunch of “love” bullshit.

So anyway he seemed really gung ho about it all. He was doing some work around here right? So his texting behaviors were not still in alignment with what he started with and it’s only in the first week. Now I know I told him to slow down a little but not this goddamn much do you know? Just a steady pace. Maybe because like attracts like I have to get the extremes right? So anyway because I was excited I keep checking my phone for his messages and fighting tooth and nail not to message him.

Because I’m not over my ex and still deep into his psyche of course the shit residue of our relationship is going to bleed over into what I’m trying to do with this new guy. So every time I check my phone and didn’t see anything I get the feelings that I don’t can’t stand. I seriously contemplated on just blocking him so that I don’t have to look at him not messaging me and/or maybe he’ll show up on his own. He did come drive an hour to see me last Sunday and sat and watched me work for three hours and even helped me a little bit and got me much needed earphones and everything so there’s that.

All I know is it caused waaayyy, way too much distress when I saw that he still didn’t message me this morning after an unsatisfactory exchange (in my opinion) yesterday. I just went ahead and blocked him anyway. It’s too much for me to handle and I’m not gonna take any more lies because this is just a bunch of words he’s throwing around I see no tangible and RESL efforts and actions For someone who claims to be so in love with me and I’m not gonna wait around for them either.

It was nice to hear the flowery words and a little bit of affections that I got when I did see him at work and stuff and I even almost forgot about EBA. I mean I just didn’t think about it that much and when I muttered to myself how much I hated him I realize it has been a while since I did that so Lilbit was a good distraction I just wish he would’ve kept on his shit though. Or maybe not.

No lie I signed up to volunteer in a nursing home so I can find me a nice and dirty old man. And whenever I talk to this piece of shit I’ll just tell him “whenever I think I miss you I just go volunteer at the nursing home” LMAO I hope to God I can use that on him!
I can’t even begin to describe just how relieved I feel after having blocked Lilbit. Like a weight has been lifted..and I JUST MET the guy so how much of it is me and how much of it may or may not be me listening to my intuition and/or spirit guides and heeding red flag fuckery? I distinctly remember laying in my bed just last night telling myself that I didn’t listen to my doubts and concerns the last couple times (a.k.a. my whole life) and look what the hell happens. I’m trying to do the opposite of what I would normally do.

Normally the old me would hold out hope, learn to live with the anxiety-riddled heartache pain of not seeing any text messages and/or visits, put up with all the stupid bullshit that makes me feel bad and makes me question things just to (hopefully) have somebody to go “hang out” with and make me feel good about myself. Fuck. That. Also, like I’ve said before..these fuckers only really want you when they can’t have you and because my pickme is still so ingrained and it actually holds value to me that they want me well then I have to be forever unattainable unless I come across someone whom I don’t even care if they want me or not but surely after awhile (or maybe even sooner) I will grow to love them and want them.

When on God’s green earth will I accept that value, respect and appreciation are far more valuable and substantial than attention and being “wanted”? WHEN, I ask you!?! Well, at least I’m self-aware enough to know and am making my way there. Just wish home life wasn’t so fuckin turbulent and I didn’t have to fucking run out of food and supplies so damned quickly! Seriously gonna have to consider cutting back on shit until..ion know, really. Was reading over my “petition” to the universe where I deny myself any pleasures for a full month. Thinking when I would be ready to start it and I’m thinking maybe this week since there’s barely any food in the house anyway and I can get a forced start.

Do you know I shouldn’t even be upset about blocking this little bit he probably didn’t even realize that I block him and if he did he probably didn’t even care and just thought he dodged a bullet and went onto whoever else. You know and he probably has a small pee pee, doesn’t use his mouth and for sure he wouldn’t of been able to make me come either. I should also be glad because I should take this as a sign that what I want is coming soon.

I am thisclose to fucking paying someone to at least PRETEND they love me. Huh. This is prolly EBA’s thinking as well. “You know how I love you?” He once said to me “because I give you money”. To which I replied, yet again, that money isn’t how I love. Let’s not forget the phone convo with his son about growing up how he never spent time with him but look at all the cool stuff he got him! Anyway, I think with Lilbit, maaaaybeee, he saw I wasn’t feeding into the last lovebomb message and had expressed doubts a couple times and he saw it wasn’t gonna get him anywhere and that’s when the cold started happening already unless he’s trying to play a game. You’re supposed to hook them to you before you pull the bs, btw. That intermittent reinforcement is a damn bitch, too! Especially to people pleasers with parental/caregiver issues.

Maaan, whomever had the most and influential access to me during my formative years…I hope they feel my pain and suffering as well! In the beginning of this bullshit break up crap I did everything I could to try and convince myself that this motherfucker die. That wasn’t working so what did I do? Go balls deep in the feelings and all the misery and just obsessing over him and all this other crap right? What is that doing for me? Not a goddamn thing. So I think maybe I can try and go back to pretending he’s dead again I hope. Definitely have to avoid running into him in the morning though.

Also from now on anytime one of these scrotes asks me for my number I’m gonna say “No, you give me your number and you don’t call or text me. I call or text you first”. Not no other way. I have to find a way to tell them where it doesn’t sound like I’m a control freak immersed in pain or something that they can use against me as some kind of weakness or some shit. I’ll figure it out.

So I was running around in the store this morning again salon sprinting because I want to feel good again. There was a bunch of customers over by the self check out and I was also wedding everything could you imagine a goddess barreling at you full speed? Anyway I showed up to the front all sweaty and out of breath and I was telling the coworker that I got a sprinkler I got no money for coffee and kind of lamented on how there’s no food in the house and stuff and I think that she told her guy oh she needs money like play or whatever. But let me tell you before that guy left he handed me $100 bill and I was really helpful for sure for sure I also got five dollars from another dude and now I can get some other things that we needed thank God.

Getting extremely upset about goblin again and then I realize it’s period time and it always always always no matter what without fail is the worst around. Time I even wrote his name on the inside of my left wrist where I don’t even know what reason I just wanted to check up on you help me god sake! Why is this so hard? Oh he’ll come back when I let go in the Hills I’m going to be?!

Can you know what else? I was reading on some things about how like narcissistic men 10 two like run their female partners in the ground in order to get back at their mothers or something like that? I know that he used to tell me a lot about how his mom “left him to the wolves” and “threw him under the bus” and he really displayed a lot of resentment towards her and I know that he didn’t talk to her anymore and stuff like that.

Just had a memory about when I told EBA about my worrying About him lying and fucking around and sending me messages ahead of time (in the beginning) and I told him “why not? If I had a car and money I’d be out running around and stuff” (classic projection but not without warrant). Maybe that’s why he never helped me with my license and a car (he said he had one for me but I didn’t really care). But I had been changing for the better since before I met him and he even said he saw progression unless that’s more bs lies!

Ok guys, I guess that’s it for now. Have a lovely day, love ya!

Dexter The Presa Canario

I don’t want him to know just how bad he hurt me and how devastated of all hellfire I am right now just in case he gets off on it.

Crying and bad vibes the whole morning. After I cried and had coffee and talk to a coworker I started feeling much much better. Vibing high and good things started happening money came in early and I was able to juggle bills around to be able to buy food with cash today. And then I got credit card applications from customers on top of it.

I always get what I want. I should be happy because what I wanted was to not actively be abused, made to feel like shit and mistreated by him any longer. When I say “actively” I mean by interacting and exchanging energies with him and things like that because he ‘s still abusing and mistreating me through my brain because of me.

I remember many years ago I was in an illegal jeep in front of an unemployment office waiting hours for BD (babydaddy) to find work. I had to sit and wait because not not only was there not enough gas to go back and forth but the tag wasn’t up to date as well. I remember watching Katt Williams downloaded on a shitty device.

Now? Biiitch, March 25, 2022 I went with my bro and his gf to see Mr. Williams with Mark Curry and a couple of others. $420 tickets that I bought, ok? Fucking ace! I have always been a fan of him and I just adore black comedy in general. These are things I need to remember when I get upset about how things are now. I have to remember what they USED to be and how much better it is now even with the little annoying hiccups.

Speaking of hiccups..I feel like my mom needs someone to yell at degrade/disrespect her (my bro) because that’s how she feels about herself. She’s told me on multiple occasions that she hates herself and her life unless that’s a manipulation tactic to play the victim and/or not be held accountable for whatever may happen in the future. Now we segue into our favorite subject matter..EBA..It can’t be him that I’m nostalgic for because I’m also thinking of my baby daddy and missing him as well and the Puerto Rican guy I lived with and the ONLY one I ever was able to cum with. So it’s not the people I don’t think. At least I hope not because that’s a lost fucking cause. It’s like he’s layering the perceived rejection and abandonment into a parfait of pain and agony!

So on Sunday at 1:40 he drive by and I looked up and saw him cowardingly do a drive-by stalking. He yelled out “git ‘er done!” and I yelled back “ok!” But ion know if he heard me. I know he saw my fat and beautiful ass, tho! My heart races faster than a jack rabbit on crack and I got shaky. What does that mean? Warning system? A hit from my addiction? See? He has a truck and the resources to employ ppl to watch/check up on me (as he has stated before he did). I have no way of checking up on him unless I check C’s FB but I can’t go through that again. How do I even know what she’s posting is up to date and accurate?

What if she’s still posting things to “make me mad” even though I haven’t even spoken to him on a real level in 2 years this week? I can’t drive by his house/work as I don’t know where he’s staying exactly at this point and my only means of transpo are bicycle, skates and uber and I don’t have the time or money to utilize any of those things to execute a fruitless action that would just feed his ego and bring into existence the shit he said about me passing by his house/work or whatever.

When he comes to talk to me I want to say “Listen, motherfucker..don’t get it twisted. Get it in your pea-brained skull that I’m only entertaining this godawful fuckery ‘cuz you were the last fuck I was with and I’m just bored. You’re nothing but a plaything to me”. Hmph. In our unproductive and redundant January ‘21 exchange he basically commended me for using less words, guess it’s too much for him to process and makes him feel even more stupid!

He knows I’m always happy at work maybe that’s why he only stalks me there and not my house..to catch me in a good mood (and ruin it the next day or 2 as the high wears off) and plus he can see me from far away and my bro and/or the cops can’t bother him there. One time before the shit really hit the fan (SHTF- the period of time after the lovebombing and before the complete and blatant devalue yet I still held on for 2-3 more months drowning in unrelenting hope) I told him that I liked missing him (don’t know what that’s about, had/have a thing for longing and yearning) so maybe that’s why he stays the fuck away so much..?

Can’t sleep, entertaining fantasies of me cursing him out, ordering him around and dominating him sexually. Feel like I’m a bit manic, I think..if that’s what this is called..hormones? Brain chems outta whack? I won’t know until I prioritize getting into therapy. Feel restless, overly sexually charged and a desperate and chaotic-feeling of need for attention and external validation. I get like that sometimes. Still not fuckin anyone, though! 😤😤

I would rather see him pass by once in awhile than not at all. Used to be I didn’t want to see him so I can pretend he died/unalived himself over me but that didn’t work. Maybe he come by once in awhile and not get out and talk to me and I’ll rage over it so much it’ll become boring to me because he broke the threshold of my tolerance.
This fucking sucks! What? I’m gonna be thinking about him/torturing myself over him until the day I die or for the rest of my life or something? What if I die tomorrow I would have died thinking about him and then it turns out I inadvertently joined some damned demon tribe!

Just a note: He had me crying my guts out in my dream again (04/28).

The next time somebody acts like they want me to break up with him I’m just gonna hold on for dear life and not make it easy for them. Like at all. I’ll do whatever I can to make him feel guilty or whatever it is but I’m not gonna be the first one to go anymore and I’m not blocking any more they’re going to have to be the ones to do it.

Well, turns out Wynona Judd committed suicide. I grew up listening to The Judds because of my mom so I am a fan. Wynona was very rich and very famous and had the resources to get real help and still couldn’t escape it. Very, verrryyy disheartening she did it the day before being inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. I wonder if she knew about it and if she did, why? I mean I can take a few guesses.

So my issue with all of this *gestures around wildly* is that I don’t have any real friends outside of work and derby checking up on me and acting like/showing me that they care and are thinking of me. I know it goes both ways but if I put in some effort and it’s not returned oh, well then. Not very comfortable with mom, can’t ever 109% be myself around her. Stark difference in beliefs, mindsets and the like. *cough. cough. boomer.*

Kids are a bit older, 3 teens and a younger one and I don’t get a whole bunch of affection/attention from them and I be asking, too. I know the oldest loves affection but I don’t know why when she asks for it I am reluctant..why is this? I am making a conscious decision to be more proactive in displays of affection physically. I have no problem whatsoever giving these undeserving fuckbois my love and affection…I did..not anymore.

I remember as a teen (prolly before that but not only am I a blocker in derby but I am also a blocker as far as childhood memories are concerned) when I’d ask mom for hugs (sibling as well) and she’d tell us to get away from her and that we were too old or some shit. Hmph. Mini-breakthrough.. I feel as though I have no REAL and ACTUAL support and care unless it’s from the ppl whose bills I’m paying and even then it doesn’t feel real genuine but that could also have to do a lot with my perception.

Maybe this is why I’m so drawn to lovebombing/honeymoon stages because men are reeeeal nice and almost everything I want them to be/ that I need when they wanna fuck and/or abuse me! I don’t know what else to do. How do I fill my own void by myself in a healthy manner? “Give me 10 years” still rattles through my brain at times. 10 years? I thought he meant like give him 10 years and still be with him or something..ion know..”I’ll come back for you when the time is right”. What the ever-loving hell is that even supposed to mean? Like I’m gonna wait around and shit? He even said to me “I don’t expect you to wait for me I belong..” and he pointed to the bottom of his shoe as if he were trash which he had referred to himself as but most likely to avoid accountability.

Why should he change if it is benefitting him in getting his hands on some poor woman and her family’s money, gets to feel like a big man bossing people all around, has the money to trick and use women to feel better about his ugly, trash self and take his misogyny out on us? “I’ll never change and neither will you” he once texted me and I told him I have been changing since I met him and I’m still trying. I’m very proud of myself, for as desperate and lonely as I feel, that I haven’t succumbed to any fuckery from any of these boring, weak personality-having, no-effort-putting in ass bitches! It wasn’t that long ago that I was ready to jump with damn near anyone to go somewhere and do something and just get out of the house and away from the fighting and anger over there (more often than not for my tastes).

Like for real! I got some guys that come in to see me sometimes and I’ll get my little coffees, all-encompassing hugs that make me melt, sometimes flowers or whatever as well. But lemme tell you, once that foot hits the threshold any interest quickly dissipates..mostly on my part because I can only speak for myself. I don’t know about them, sometimes it feels like it on their end because there is never any follow through or pursuit of any kind. If they wanna tell me that they thought I wasn’t interested I wanna say “you have to make me interested” but like in a nicer way..?

If what he said was even true about him “mentally unraveling” after our first real fight in January 2021 then why is it so easy for him to just forget all about me? Why has he not tried to come talk to me or anything or at least send somebody else to come talk to me for him? Why did he give up so goddamn easily?? Or is part of his “mentally unraveling” is to make me feel like I’m mentally unraveling and really wanna kill my goddamn self! My mom and my last toxic fuckboi (Who has almost the same exact personality) make me feel the same way too.

You know what else I just noticed as obsessed as he was with my ass and fucking it, licking it and sucking and everything he never smacked it.. not playfully not jokingly not to get a reaction out of people in public and most especially not for my 42nd birthday either (43 smacks, technically).

Let’s not forget the great question from him of 2019 when he had the audacity to ask me where we kept the safe at work (which I don’t even know, wanna know or would even tell him if I did) coupled with the “you might have to claim bankruptcy” head-ass! His ex-wife was charged with possession with intent to sell (he told me he used to slang powder) and saw that our precious C (his “ex” he lived with) had to file for bankruptcy. The thoughts preceding the above mentioned was about how it would be nice for someone to want to take care of me and make me happy. Then I think about the intentions behind said grand treatment, care and attention. Why would they do that unless they have fear of abandonment like I am not having anymore and/or to utilize me in their shady-ass shit at a later date? I don’t do shady shit and he knows that I am a full believer in karma and shit and according to him I’m “too nice” so..

I think this is a good meme to sum it up:

I don’t know why I’m concerned what what he thinks about me gaining weight (or anything) when one of his most favorite picture of me is when I was at my fattest (posted it as fb profile pic recently in case he’s looking) Like, he REALLY liked it unless that was a manipulation tactic as well. You know they say to make a life so good that you don’t want to feel like you need to escape from it. But the only way that I know how to do that right now is by smoking weed. I can’t think of anything else that I can do to make it feel like I don’t need to escape.

There’s only so much I can do with the limited resources I have at this time as well as mustering up the mental and emotional fortitude to make healthy, productive and consistent choices to help better my life along the best I can.

Saw a dragonfly struggling and this guy swore it was dead I untangled it and then it flew way freely into the air and then he told me God bless my heart. This fat piece of shit wanna talk about I’m too nice while I have to be too nice considering I’m surrounded by bunch of toxic assholes. Plus I don’t think it would hurt for the world to have more people like me instead of more people like him to be honest. Maybe he thought if he gave me the bare minimum (which WAS a big deal to me b/c I never had it before) that I would just shut up and put up with his fuckery abuse bullshit!

Wanting to change myself so bad and so fast. Maybe accept the things that are more of a challenge to change at this time then eventually I can change it. Wondering if blood pressure has anything to do with mood because had a nice day and blood pressure was normal. Also exercise.

Do I have to go and have sex with somebody else and get thrown away so I can be upset about them and then shift all my energy off the stupid old man so he comes back to me? At least check up on me? You know what else? I guess show these fucking undeserving, piece of shit assholes, all the love that their mothers never gave them and they don’t know how to freaking handle it and I don’t think that they deserve it so what did he do? Shit all over me.

I wonder if he’s sitting there doing research on me like I’m doing with him. I remember him telling me how he will read Cosmo articles on how to make me cum instead of just freaking asking me or letting me teach him. No it had to be his way.

Well, this one was a long one, lol. Thanks so much if you’ve made it this far. I love you! ❤️😘💕

Hot Showers and Orgasms

I need a refresher of seeing him up close and hoping to feel nothing but even better to feel disgusted. I SWEAR I thought I had seen him but it was another old man dressed up in his costume. My heart leapt into my throat and palpitated. I got the hot/colds throughout my body. What did it mean? Was it my body reacting in fear even though that old POS doesn’t scare me..not physically anyway. Mentally and spiritually and most especially romantically..I am fucking terrified. There goes Daddy abandoning me again!

I remember during a phone convo when I said what a good daddy he was and he said “sometimes daddies leave” and I thought he was talking about him and his father and maybe me and my daddy issues as well. Ugh! You know I had another dream about him recently and of course he was being shit to me in that one and I haaaate not only the fact that I remembered it upon waking on a workday but how it made me feel for almost the whole day.

I called his phone but didn’t put it to my ear. I didn’t want to hear him in case he actually answered, I watched the phone for awhile and just hoped he saw that I called (yesterday) I hope he comes to talk to me and I just tell him it was a butt dial or that I didn’t know and was clearing out my phone or whatever.

I don’t know what need is screaming at me right now for me to do crazy and unproductive bullshit like calling and hanging up like a common bunny boiler. What if that call did make him come to me? Then it would be because of that reason and not on his own fucking accord! What the hell is his problem!?! Was I REALLY played THAT hard and THAT bad? For Odin’s sake why can’t it just be bad timing like he said and that he just loved me too damned much and had too much bullshit going on with C, her mom, house fire, dad he didn’t get along with that made him the monster he is dying, under criminal investigations, possibly facing jail time..etc..?

My thing was, and I know I’ve stated it before, is that if I was his “therapy” (I know, I knoooow!) and “the highlight of his day” then why did he push me away so damned hard? I didn’t do anything so incredibly and horribly bad for him to have done what he did when he knew I went through absolute shit with men practically my whole fucking life! We need to raise these boys MUCH better and my teenaged son comes to mind.

I begged that boy (L15) to please let me know what I can do to be a better mother to him and I even asked some forums because I have never had to raise a teenaged boy before. Ugh! I can’t wait it until I’m an awesome ass old bitch and just NOT CARE anymore! Okay now I don’t know if I’m ovulating (but it’s 2 days off of my period) or what but there are certain times I think during each month where I get super, super extra hungry not only for the stupid old man but for male (I’d take female, too) validation/romantic-admiration as well. I feel very a chaotic and desperate energy surrounding me to get laid or be told and be shown how amazingly awesome I am. This week is one of those weeks and I’m feeling it hard. Is it sex I want when u don’t even orgasm from it unless I do it myself which hasn’t happened in a long time because of time restraints, not comfortable and all that cute anxious shit.

Look..ok..ugh..I’m feeling real, real, REAL horrible that he has not made any visible attempts to check up on me or try to talk to me or nothin’..like it gets real bad like this cyclically. I did the thing where I called his phone as mentioned above and posted a new BEAUTIFUL profile pic of me on fb and some “missing you” memes on my alternate fb that ion even know if he knows about it but it’s a good chance he may.

Ok, what? How do I not feel so horrifically terrible about myself when it comes to his (and all of “them”) “rejecting” me? Why does it feel like I’m the one that got thrown away when he’s the one that called himself trash? Ok, ok..so maybe when he REALLY started to show his ass and piss me off (which really seemed and felt intentional) was him shit testing me and/or his true nature finally emerging forth in its full glory.

So then in reaction to his mask not only fully falling (that he allowed me to see) but my getting truly and all the way fed up (at least it was only a year and a half) I cursed him out and blocked him and god only knows how he must have taken that! Sooo then what? He finally comes to stalk me at work (that I saw) 4 whole fucking months after I blocked him unless he’s been by and I just ain’t seen him and/or wasn’t there. So he does that every so often for about 4 months until I unblock him.

Now when I went to go unblock him, before I can even ask him what he wanted, he says to me that he’s sorry and he’d make it up to me and that he needed more time and stuff. Unproductive back n forth ensues and then it ends with me telling him “whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy”. He musta just LOVED that. He claimed to have gotten closure that I needed and not him. That’s it, right? He got his closure I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d put up with anymore of his shit, right?

What happens next? More stalking..just driving by and looking, no getting out and talking to me like a real man or come to where I stay or NOTHIIING. Ok? For about 4 months after he’s still doing his stalking and stuff, right? He still wants me, right? But WHY does he want me? To use, abuse and manipulate or does he really love me in his own fucked up way? Ok. He only stopped coming by (again, that I could see) and then I sent the RO note off through someone who works for him so god only knows how that panned out and what it did to him. Ok. Ok.. so who wins? Me? No one?

Men are the ones that come back, he “needed me more than I knew” he told me so why is it so easy for him to forget about me and stuff? Because his trashy ass is used to fucking being rejected? WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. HE!?!? I have to tell myself that after that note and the 3 times I saw him on the way to work that he saw me and it was just too much for him and he unalived himself over me, ok? Look, ion know how my ego got like this but it’s something I have to look into cuz this bitch is killing me if thats even what the issue is. See, I just called his job and this lady said he wasn’t there and I said “tell him I called” and just hung up. Why did she say that he wasn’t in the office now instead of saying that he died? He should be dead! This is terrible and driving me crazy. It’s been 2 fucking years!!

Maybe I should just fuck some rando as if it’ll help but I don’t think so especially how they get after you fuck ‘em. Let me tell you another thing, ugly guys are not safe at all. They sometimes treat you even worse, ok? God dammit the universe wants me to make a fool of myself not sending me ANYone just to help forget him or remember that nice and loving people do exist somewhere! How do I find someone to fuck that I wouldn’t care about or if they ghosted me after? See? That’s why I should do it FIRST. If I’m not hearing from anyone it’s because they’re blocked and not because I’m a worthless 3-hole-having bitch to be thrown away after having orgasmless (my end) sex!!

If he even does come to talk to me I’m just gonna deny that I even called. Deny, deny, deny to hell and back and just say like I don’t know what he was talking about. Besides the obvious of him trying to destroy me into oblivion I wonder if he thinks that I’m happy, getting laid and having a good life. Well it’s obvious I’m getting well fed now. In that vein I’ve been wondering how “happy” he is with his life. Even if he just gets to get laid (empty validation but a form of validation nonetheless) and that he has somebody probably loving him like I did (I’d like to think it was not that possible and that the universe is denying him like it seems to be doing to me right fucking now) because he had to trick and manipulate them. Meanwhile I’m over here all alone with fucking nothing and a dry ass butthole!

You know everything is fine and dandy and all peaches and roses with these motherfuckers when I start with them and then I start seeing them for who they really are and then I look at them with different eyes and they can see it then that’s when they wanna “throw me away”. It’s when I started to have boundaries and standards and hold them accountable which I should be doing from the fucking beginning. I’m not saying I’m perfect or anything but I try. I try SO hard especially when it comes to my romantic relationships. Most especially and maybe that’s part of the problem. Yes, I do acknowledge and am aware of my toxicity and my role in this carnival of fuckery.

Ok so I’m trying to think like a mentally disordered, old, controlling, insecure, ugly, white republican conservative male so here we go:

My list of what I think may have made him lose interest (again) why I should care..I know:

  1. I’m too beautiful for him in combination with my telling and showing him how much I value external validation and attention (working on it best I can rn because respect is more valuable than attention and would benefit me and my insatiable ego better).
  2. I’m not into politics like him and his Trump parade float/shitty truck.
  3. I have an insanely high sex drive. He said he never met a woman as horny and comfortable with my sexuality as I am. I think he may have had ED and didn’t seem to mind long times in between.I have wouldn’t put it past him if he was getting it from somewhere else maybe even a “he/she”.
  4. I shit tested him with talking about open-mouth kissing my half-brother (not true, just giving him a taste of his own meds). This was after I had been pushed to it..matching energies and all. He even told me that I should get mad and to “blow a gasket”..this was near the absolute end so I don’t know if he wanted me to actually go away and/or use my justified anger at him as an excuse to criticize and abandon me.
  5. My checking C’s fb posts and then giving him much deserved flak about it. Especially since she was quiet af before me and then after me and him started here come all the posts!
  6. I stopped checking her fb in December of 2020 because the last one sent me into a tizzy! BUT I still expressed concern over the fact that he wasn’t doing not ONE IOTA OF ANYTHING he said we’d do AND he started taking a fuckton of time away from us for some stupid reason.
  7. He knew I cheated before because of neglect that he would inevitably perpetuate like they all do..no, DID. He told me he cheated on his wife because she cheated on him and stuff. Ugh.
  8. Getting upset with him because of his newfound shitty behavior and treatment of me and pretty much asking him if he wanted me to leave him alone because that’s what it felt like. He even told me once that I end a lot of our convos with if I wanted to leave him alone towards the end but I cannot be FULLY blamed for that..maybe partially but that was something I couldn’t really help (anxious attachment at the time leaning more fearful/dismissive at the moment but only because I’m single) I’m still trying to figure out how to not think I need another person SO badly. I’ll know better when I get into it with someone again.
  9. Started taking on way more responsibility in my household (we never lived together, couldn’t even get him to sleep over) as far as being the sole breadwinner since meeting him. He told me in the beginning that he was rich and would pay my salary so I don’t have to work (before I started being Daddy in the home) I almost laughed hysterically and said to him then and repeatedly throughout how much I loved working. Now if that was a shit test ir what ion know but he said to me once in a resentful kinda way “you’re happy when you go to work”. Another time he said to me “you have what’s considered a shitty job”.
  10. Maybe he’s trying to play house/keep up appearances with C (or whomever) and keeps failing miserably because he has a weakness for prostitutes and “exotic” women. He would tell me I made him weak (I’m not likening myself to a prostitute but the whole fiasco felt transactional at times) and that he had to fight himself HARD not to pursue me as he was concerned with the relationship becoming “all consuming”. I also remember when he told me that him and C were fighting that she says “what? do you think you’re going to end up with a white picket fence? (When they were fighting about me..why? I still don’t know exactly but I can guess).

I realize I am being repetitive and focusing on the wrong things when I should be focusing on my own shit. But why, oh why, am I so hellbent and insistent on creating an emotional and mental hellscape for myself at almost every turn? What is this compulsion? Do I think it makes me quirky, edgy and cool? Because it sure doesn’t, it makes me weak, pathetic and whiny and I hate whining!! Then what? What if he does come by? I’m not ready for him. How should I be? I should do it for myself which I have been the best that I can but this…hmph..this shit right here? This shit right here? This shit right here? Needs to be dealt with as healthily as possible and I’m still trying to learn how to do that.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just trying to secure me before he could fully let go and break up with C. But I don’t want no monkey-branching ass motherfucker! I used to be one and I’m not gonna be one anymore I’m already not one. Doesn’t mean it’s easy or that I like it.

Ok well I think I’ve rambled on enough and if you’ve read all that, thanks! I love you! 💕 💕

Beautiful And Angry

Preparing my outfit for a special trip.

Severe and unadulterated rage coursing through my veins as I sit here and write out a hex for him. I don’t care anymore I feel like it’s the right thing and that it’s calling me..maybe this is what I’m supposed to do, help karma along. Valentine’s Day was a huge bust, big surprise.

I was talking to some guy for about a month I thought we were going somewhere but too many games and flags so I ended up blocking him thank God we never met irl or anything. Was back on tinder for a hot minute (where I met the guy) and I HATE that I even go on there but I’m just not taking it serious and maybe I just set it for women since I’m supposed to have a gf, anyway.

When tf did he stop loving me? WHY did he stop when I tried to be the best I could..why? Did he ever love me, even just a little? It sure af seemed like it..

I feel very strong cyclical urges that I wanna ask him what it was that he thinks that I did so wrong in his bug eyes. Look, I might be a little bit chunky or whatever but I wear it very well and I can run and I can skate and I’m very flexible and things like that. I consider myself very beautiful regardless and I also get hit on and stared at a whole lot so why in the hell did this fucking asshole throw me away?

He should thank God that I even breathe the same air as him what the hell did I do so wrong according to him? I really wanna fucking know. If I even asked would he tell me the truth? Maybe he’s a gay pedophile or maybe he’s part of some kind of online (or irl) incel group that sets out to hurt and destroy women because apparently those exist. 

He told me towards the end that I became too negative but I only did so because I was matching his energy. I was letting what he did and did not do affect my behavior and feelings which I know I should have more control over but I didn’t at that time. What does he mean by being “too negative”anyway? If he really “more than adored” me like he used to tell me and wanna take me away and marry me and all this other stuff then my being too negative should never be a factor in him throwing me away like he did. A real one would try and work with me if he really actually cared.

I know he once said to me when we were having a phone conversation that every time we have a nice one I’m the one that always has to end it with asking him if he wants me to leave from him alone but why is that? I’m sure a lot of it had to do with me not feeling secure with him and I’m not gonna just put all the blame on him I know a lot of it was my insecurities and anxieties as well but he sure wasn’t helping much after awhile and it almost seemed as if the mistreatment and neglect was deliberate.

Here are some of the things that I think he would not have liked about me or possible future issues with me as to why I think he started acting up to push me away:

1. I told him that I like attention. I didn’t mean just guys but Women and children as well but I don’t think that’s any better. I’m trying to teach myself that respect is way better. It’s a lifetime of rewiring.

2. Maybe him starting to treat me like garbage (a.k.a let the mask slip) was really him shit testing me and how much of him hurting me I will take. He did seem to shit test a whole lot and my mom even said it was like he had a grade book in his lap for me.

3. He is a closeted gay pedophile and just trying to have a girlfriend for show. But what about C? Maybe she wasn’t complying either.

4. I lied about having a very social life (he knew all I did was work and home when we met) so he wouldn’t think I was a loser that only lived for him. Maybe he didn’t like that I was “going out with friends” so much.

5. He couldn’t make me come. I thought that he really was trying but he was doing it his own way and for his own ego, not the way that I’m used for 27 years. I also never faked and I even said something to him about maybe his past women would have possibly faked.

6. I told him once that I never apologize (because I break my balls to make sure I’m doing everything I can the right way and how I think those around me would need me to be and do if that makes sense). Maybe he was hoping or thought (because I toldhim I was a people pleaser that likes “to be used”) that I would just always be apologizing left and right no matter what. Like no matter what he did and said I would always blame myself (I still kinda do although I broke ass trying to be the best girlfriend possible for him). 

7. I wasn’t looking at him with stars in my eyes like he was my hero anymore. He once told me that when I saw him not to look at him like that (was upset about something regarding him) But it’s because of his behaviors and treatment towards me that I was looking at him in that way.

Other possibilities that make my ego squee:

1. He did a preemptive strike. He always used to say “if you don’t kick me to the curb first” (unwarranted) and once he said to me “my relationships don’t last”. Maybe he thought I was too good for him (“you deserve better”-twice) and too beautiful and outgoing and displayed too much confidence (I know these entries suggest otherwise but ain’t shit linear) for a woman or something. Maybe he thought I’d come to my senses. I DID start acting/treating him different but that’s only because I was matching his shit energy!

2. Maybe he really did mean all the future faking and lovebombing and really WAS scared like he said. But I was/am scared too and would have done anything (barring disrespect, lies and mistreatment) to make us work properly. Maybe C (his “ex”) had something to do with it, holding money or whatever over his head and stuff which I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that shit anyway and it’s a huge turn off!

3. Maybe it’s like my mom told me and that he can’t run me or control me like he thought that he could. He even seems surprised at my intelligence a little bit later on in the relationship. Maybe Because I’m such a wild and hot piece of ass he felt like he needed to tame me (some things he said about being able to handle me and him being a bull in the beginning ring back in my head) so that he could feed his ego or something I don’t know.

4. He saw that I was, in fact, improving my life the best I could and even took over all the bills in the house since meeting him. Maybe he thought that wouldn’t happen and that I wasn’t really serious about refusing to “live in destitutional mediocrity” as I once said to him but I meant that I would take care of it for me personally and not putting more on him. Sometimes I truly believe with some of the things he’s said and done that he just wanted me this broken mess that was solely dependent upon him with a “fatal attraction” (he once accused me of having this for him for no reason). 

I have half of a mind for when he does come back to try and get me again because he did tell me he would come back for me when the time is right whenever the hell that is I don’t know…

Regardless of whether or not I threatened him with a restraining order…When he comes back and tries to reestablish a relationship I was thinking about playing along and making him think that I absolutely adore him and was super happy he came back. Like just lead him on and string him along and make him think he got me like that again just to turn around and blindside TF out of him. 

However there is the more appealing option of being the one that got away. Like he can forever pine over me if he ever really did love me like he said he did or if he just wanted to freaking control, abuse and manipulate me again which I will not ever let happen again not matter what, not if I can help it. 

I keep saying that I have a fear of abandonment and stuff but I think that has changed significantly because every time I get “abandoned” I just keep getting better, stronger, funnier and smarter sooooo…

I would just really appreciate someone that can match my level and energy in every possible way within reason and I know that old man matched me for a little while but he couldn’t keep it up. LOL insert ED jokes here…or not..? Get it? ‘Cuz he can’t insert it if he’s got ED..

I was thinking about one of the reasons it’s taking me so long to get any is because I’m doing it for my pleasure and not theirs and that’s why it’s taking forever. That and I’m betting hardcore not to mention I have yet to come across anyone I even like just a little. Too hung up on THIS asshole! See how he ruins things and I don’t even SEE or TALK to him anymore!

Was also wondering if I see boundary violating as extreme interest? I get numbers and there may be a teeeeny but if an exchange but it never really goes anywhere. I’m not interested because of the obvious but also because they’re not trying harder to MAKE me interested..is that a bad thing? I’ll tell you one thing, mama don’t chase FOR shit!

I remember when I had told him about wanting to take a break (that he had brought up first a couple months before after I told him “part of my evolving is not putting up with mistreatment” because of some audacity he displayed) he was concerned that I would be whoring around (my words). 

I had told him that I need to stay to myself and get my shit together and in order and work on making better decisions in the romance department. My exact words were “so I don’t keep ending up with assholes” (can somebody please explain to me what the hell he meant when he said “at least I showed you it was possible” in response to this?) So I don’t know why I should be so upset I got what I damn wanted, didn’t I? I’m sure I can be working on myself a little bit better as in implementing my learning and things like that. But whatever.. there are days when the suicidal ideations are running rampant but therapy is later.

Anyway, from now on they’re not boyfriends theyre boy pets cause ain’t nobody my friend. That’s all for now, my babies. I hope you all are ok and thanks tour reading!
I love you

God Left Her Sandwich Out Too Long

Contemplative Ponies

So you know how they say to forgive people for your own health? Such as not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die or some bullshit like that. I can’t even imagine even for 1 millisecond of ever forgiving this piece of shit asshole bitch motherfucker. I’ll forgive him when the loneliness stops gnawing at my soul. This thing about forgiving ourselves for putting up with it? I don’t know if I can do that either.

You know, I’m reading about how it’s mainly women who make Christmas magical and I am so very glad I didn’t kill myself to make it nice for him like I tried to in his birthday and Easter (ugh! I just unlocked a core memory of when we first started going out and I expressed to him how happy I was to have him for the holidays and then he was like “meh” and said some disparaging discouraging crap that I can’t remember right now). I am really, really glad I wasn’t stupid and pickme enough to do that. I wonder if he thought/got upset/disappointed that I didn’t even if he DID insist I don’t do anything for his birthday.

What about leaving the house again after five in the morning today which I said I wouldn’t do anymore because I see things that I don’t want to see? Huh. So instead of getting all upset about it I’m trying to convince myself I’m just gonna note here and I’m not even gonna write about it to not feed more into it.

I’m also not gonna correlate the nice beautiful mood I’m in right now with the thing that I saw in the morning ( didn’t even see who’s driving because the windows were up so I’m just gonna say that it was his son driving) I’m just gonna contribute it to me running and somebody bringing me coffee in the morning.

Pros for the morning I had a very good bowel movement, my check is a significant amount more than I thought it was going to be and I fit into a smaller size faja and I didn’t cry when I saw the thing that I saw that I’m not supposed to talk about. Already cried a little bit last night after a freaking orgasm I’ll just look at it is another form of release I guess

Ok, I guess that wraps up this episode of caca mierda. Love you guys! 💋💋💋

Sunglasses and Lies

You know how it is said that when you see bird feathers that it means the universe connecting with you through guardian angels or whatever you believe in as well as how you interpret it? So I was in the backyard having my contemplations and feeling pretty damn good and grateful. On my right I saw a white bird feather float down from my huge tree. Then a small cascade followed and then I thought how nice and beautiful it was especially since two different breeds of butterflies followed.

More continues to trickle and I peered into the leafy recesses to see if I could find the source. I saw like a small pile and was wondering if maybe one of our cats or some animal caught a bird in our tree. It could of even come from somewhere else and ended up in our tree. So I’m taking it as a good sign and just to remain vigilantly guarded in the right ways and to listen to my instincts/gut/feelings around a person!

Cherry on top is the extreme stillness and quietness afterwards. I go back out later for nighttime contemplations and felt pretty nice under the tree where the feathers rained from earlier and then the orchestra of fireworks and gunshots rang throu the air. I came back in and my mom asked if I was out there making them do fireworks. I loooove fireworks and had done some pyrotechnics on quad skates this past Fourth of July, pretty damned cool. I liked the timing of it. 

Ok, so back to the bane of my exsistence..

I am in the process how to be myself and not even go out on any dates as I haven’t met anybody that genuinely sparks my interest yet. Meanwhile all I can think about is him out here having a grand old time with one of his hookers or another poor soul that he manipulated and thoroughly tricked into loving him with his “ex” girlfriends money and the sweet-talking-tell-you-what-you-wanna-hear-lies! 

I wanna be the asshole! I wanna be the one to leave first instead of holding out hope and giving benefits of the doubt left and right! I wanna be the one to fucking win whatever the hell that means!

I guess the only damn way to keep a dude around/interested/ doing what he did in the beginning is if you DONT fuck him, it seems. Huh. Just had a memory of when EBA told me in the beginning I believe (can’t remember if it was before or after we fucked or “make love” how he puts it..most likely after) He said to me “I would rather look at pictures of you and jerk off then (have sex) with you”. As someone who takes everything and anything personally I didn’t take that one to heart at all then and I still don’t now. I know that’s his insecurities and perception of inadequacies talking, probably performance anxiety stuff, too.

Anyway, since they only wanna be nice to you when they haven’t fucked you I’ve decided from now on to make them wait for a very, very long time.

How long of a time depends upon the vibes of the person and the circumstances at hand. If they ask me why so long I’ll just say “I just don’t want you to start acting crazy (or ‘weird’ or ‘different’) it always happens” and not the real reason of my being scared to hell of rejection and them losing interest. Also it will make me seem like some kind of amazing lover even though I am but I mean to like the nth degree. It is true that they do start acting weird, different and sometimes crazy after intimate relations, though. 

So all the reading I do I have come to believe that I have a Love addiction


So course I did some googling and this place seems to have helped me a whole lot. But I’ll know for sure after I’ve danced around with therapy for a while I guess. I had to get on that eventually. I might have to use nail money to pay the doctor what I owe them to get a referral and then find a freaking therapist nearby when I don’t have my own transportation yet. And then I got to get the day I was a whole bunch of pain in the ass but I’ll get it done. I see about my tooth on January 17 and I pray to Odin’s and it’s not a whole lot of money or anything and I can’t handle.

I have an alternate FB that I have created so that I can make comments on less than savory Facebook posts in less than Siri Facebook groups. I also have Brendan a whole lot of EBA’s families mutual friends and stuff. One time I had called him out with a picture and everything the only thing I didn’t do was put his name. One of my FB friends was friends with his brother shared it on her page so I don’t know if his brother someone told him or what but it was another very long. On my Facebook account I vent like a motherfucker it’s all just pure negativity hoping that he will see it. On that note not only am I gonna keep that Facebook quiet but my main one as well just in case he IS watching to try and garner some curiosity out of him if he even ever gave a damn.

All right I guess there’s enough babbling for now thank you again if you’ve made it this far really appreciate it. Love you guys!

Great Expectations..and Disappointments

It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and I got my wine and Bluetooth speaker ready for later. I hate drinking…I have a terrible relationship with alcohol and don’t really do it anymore. I used to blow through handles of vodka like nothing and it was NOT cute nor pretty. Tonight I just have some wine and dance with my daughter. It was mega fun last time and I guess I stopped just in time or we ran out or whatever.

I’m gonna do the best I can and think maybe I should just get my crying out before the drinking hour lay upon us. I’m very upset and more pissed than anything about EBA and soooooo many others just like him that hurt me. I honest to god thought he’d be different at least the first 3 and a half months. The year after that I was just holding out hope that he’d return to how he was in the beginning.

I wanted it SO bad that I could taste it! He had a plethora of shit going on that I was hoping his assholery was only because of the many, many stressful factors that were occurring in his life at the time and not his fucking mask slipping. I couldn’t understand that if I was his “therapy” and “the highlight of his day” then why was he making me suffer by not spending as much time with me anymore and going out of his way doing the things he knew damn well would drive me away?

I wondered and had hoped that maybe he was self-sabotaging because he probably felt like he didn’t deserve my love. “You deserve better” he told me on two different occasions but he didn’t want to become better. “I’ll never change and neither will you” he had told me after our first big “fight” following a 2020 new year’s post from our lovely C (his “ex”). I never told him I saw it and when someone commented “what a cute couple” when he looked like he got pulled from the bowels of hell and she’s built like a chicken-leg linebacker..ugh..stop it, me..Plus I WAS changing when I met him and he knew it. I told him I’m on a journey of self-improvement and re-wiring YEARS of conditioned behavior just to scratch the surface.

I never told him I saw the post, I just assumed he would know since he knew I checked. I think about if I should have said something but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have liked the answer and/or it would have just been more redundancy and giving me the run around. “I can’t help what she posts” he tells me then why does she do it? “She just wants to make you mad” “why?” “She doesn’t want me to be happy”, he says.

I say nothing I just THINK “why doesn’t she want him happy? What did he DO to her?”. Pain in the ass bullshit that I can’t fucking let go of! All morning at work every white pickup truck that passes I beg and plead and choke back tears..I remind myself it’s the eve of Christmas Eve and he’s probably out of town with C or Odin only knows who like he’d been doing.

Yes, our first Christmas “together” and doesn’t spend it with me or my kids after him saying he’s “gonna be their step daddy” then he peppers it with “if you don’t kick me to the curb first” and this was when things were good and I didn’t understand why he would say that but I didn’t really put alot of thought into it which I probably should have. Then again maybe it was running in my background brain programs and helped me to not get even closer or attached to him and to eventually tell him to “fuck off”.

Why would I even want a “man” that uses women in any way, shape or form and probably cheats like a mother fucker because he’s so ugly, insecure and only had his “ex”’s money and the sweet-talking lies going on for him? Dear GOD do I want to call him out publicly! I’m gonna do an unsent letter to him in here eventually. UNSENT he can never, ever know JUST HOW BAD he contributed to my inner turmoil, pain, stimulating childhood wounds and ego pummeling.

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars to all hell that I don’t have to sit here and be disappointed yet again by this motherfucker most especially on a holiday I could really care less about. But that’s not even the point…I had actually once said to him when we first started that I was excited about spending the holidays with him and he kind of dismissed and diminished it. Although he didn’t do it in such a way where it was really that obvious that I was going to be severely let down that Christmas he did it in a subtle way. That or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it or yet again having massive and unwarranted amounts of hope. He got the best of me (at that time) and I’m guessing I got the worst of him, at least from my perspective as I have never fully seen his rage or ALL of him. I have never spent more than 4 hours with him on a regular basis and only 2, maybe 3 sleepovers IN A HOTEL!!

Ok, guys I guess that’s all for now I’ll type to you later thanks for reading. Love you!

The Great Fatsby

Despite my rantings and ravings there are two things I always tell myself and has proven true on multiple occasions and on a very high and unexplained level and it’s that “things always work out for me” and after another mismatch of the romantic kind is “I ALWAYS level up…always”. Leveling up doesn’t necessarily mean getting a better partner but it does mean that I improve myself greatly. The pain and disappointment fuels and inspires me, I want to progress and be awesome just to spite them!

I would just like to say that between what I had just gone through and perusing FDS that I really have a different way of looking at men. It makes no sense because it’s common knowledge and I’m 43 years old so you think that I would know better but godwas I saturated in pickme. I am currently having a high vibing day feeling pretty good and looking forward to a drinking and dancing session tomorrow but I do ponder some things in regards to him of course. I mean, hello, I am currently without DICKtraction!

If it was his initial intentions to utterly destroy, miserate me, knock me down a couple pegs and decimate my heart then (so far) he has succeeded exponentially. Is he happy now? Does he feel like a big strong and powerful man? How is the fuckery of destroying every loving relationship in his life working out for him any damn way? I also had a random memory around the time when things are starting to go to shit just before I had to let this motherfucker go.

I remember that he was showing me a picture his very best friend from childhood sent him of his mistress. He had said to me that the only thing that was wrong with her was that she was black and some other things (ugh! I knooowww!). Now I’m wondering if it was his friend that sent him that picture or if was the actual lady that sent him a picture and then he was fucking her instead of his FRIEND fucking her. Now whether or not it was him that was the one doing the fucking of that poor lady or his friend either way he’s in bad company and very much influenced by his bestest friend probably. We are the culmination of the five people that we spend our most time around (note to universe: allow more positive, uplifting and inspiring people in my life, please) So then I get to sit here and almost ruin my awesome day with this bullshit now.

I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I do have to realize that when people cheat that it’s not a personal thing most of the time. Look at Beyoncé and Halle Berry and all of them. Then it led me to another memory of when I first met him and things were absolutely beautiful and almost perfect. I was seeing somebody else at that time because EBA didn’t make it clear if it was something he wanted to pursue with me seriously or even SEMI-seriously or what (next time it’s gonna be if I want to pursue anything with THEM) not until he saw the hickeys on my neck from the other guy I was seeing so that he HAD to “win” me (HIS words) of course.

I think I remember telling myself that this guy, EBA, was doing and saying all the right things and making me feel really, really good but I was still over here seeing another guy at the same time. I was telling myself this because I guess maybe I had an underlying sense that he would probably cheat on me or something like that. As if I were already preparing myself for some inevitable heartbreak from the old, crusty fucker from hell. 

I also just realized maybe I want him to come talk to me so I can unleash my unadulterated rage in a passive aggressive manner towards him. I remember thinking that he wanted me to just be some happy little doll that never cried based off of some things that were done and said. Such as my Mom saying something about us when I was out with him then it put me in a MOOD and I had to go into a bank with him (when he gave one of the tellers a biiiig ol’ smile) then he was alluding to how he didn’t want people thinking I was surly and upset because of HIM. As if he were embarrassed by my reaction to what she said to me.

Another time he had snuck up on me whilst I was riding my bicycle home. He had said how he saw me riding and jamming out to my music and how carefree (a-hem CHILDLIKE) I had seemed and just fell in love with me even more. He knew I was having troubles with mom (when I had a “rich” and loving boyfriend at the time..interesting) and would often say that he would get me away from her and stuff.

Well, anyway I’ll stop here. Thanks for reading and I love you!

Things Fall Apart

He’s Blending Into The Tree Which He Should Do IRL..💔💔💔

I have realized this once before but it really hit different and very hard yesterday when I was sitting in the backyard. Even when I was with EBA and everything was super cherry, Like I had almost everything possible I could ask for, I still felt like I wanted to kill myself very, very deeply and that I wasn’t good enough. Like at all. I had contributed a lot of that feeling to having being stuck at the house with my mom who was giving me a very hard hard time then.

She has gotten better since I’ve taken over all the bills and I’m responsible for everything in the house (bill-wise mostly) as well as trying not to take everything so personally. I had also noticed, from my perception anyway, that she seems to be meaner to me when I did have a boyfriend. I don’t know I remember a lot of time she would tell me not to leave her and this was very recent. Especially when she thought I was going to go move to Georgia with him and told me not to leave her behind and stuff.

I just want to note that being with him really and supremely triggered my “not good enough” wounds and things like that. There were times that I noticed he was a lot like my mom too. Like alot. I don’t see why I should be dating somebody who makes me feel like complete and utter shit about myself when I live with somebody like that already. My reasoning was at least I was getting laid/some lovin’ here and there but after a while I was barely getting that anymore and I thank Odin that he never made me cum either. Why? I dunno, maybe I thought it would solidify my bond with him or something…

I torture myself with thoughts of him now with other women making him laugh and smile and giving him intense orgasms as well as having like what we had when it was good. But whose to say he wasn’t doing that garbage whilst deep in the recesses of my bowels and yes, I mean butt stuff. All “more than adoring” me, bringing me groceries that one whole time, talking about marrying me and “slaying all my demons” and just all these very, very nice things I’ve never had before…whatever..

So I was in the backyard having my contemplations and I thought to myself “what am I gonna do about him?” First off, there’s nothing to do and I had been asking myself that same thing since we were together together. Then I wonder if I’m just assigning him my pain because almost this same exact thing happened with the last couple of poorly selected fucktards and I do this with my mom as well. Whatever this is gnawing at my soul really needs to be examined rather than placing it onto others even if they are difficult to deal with at times. How to do it is a whole other jive, imo.

I was reading up on my law of attraction studies and if this is true; “Know that you can create an amazing life when you learn how the Universe works. It works through the way you feel” then I am royally screwed. HOW do I feel better? HOW do I self soothe in a way that will not be detrimental to my evolution? I know I could stop doomscrolling, I TRY to find bright sides as mush as possible because if I don’t then the pain and disappointment of life will multiply a thousand fold for sure! I know I bitch in here a lot and it’s BRIMMING with negative energy but I’m tryna get it OUT of me and find the others like me or some that can help me out of this. Plus it serves as a good warning, I suppose. 

Don’t even get me started on my randomly losing one of my front teeth because of all the hate and negativity I incessantly wish and speak upon this fucker on the daily. I mean, yeah, I need to take better care of my teeth but not talking shit and speaking up for myself wouldn’t hurt, either. I think I have a problematic throat chakra especially the problems I was having with it only around my 43rd birthday..

Ok, guys. I guess that’s all I got for now. I’ll leave you to it. I love you.

The Divine Heartbreak

Today is the 6th day of the 12th month in the year of 2021. I’m back to work on Monday after a weekend of smoking some weed and spoiling my mom for her birthday which I did a very good job of without any help from a crusty old man that lives to emotionally torture everyone in his path. I don’t feel as upset or angry about him today I feel more of an eerie calm for some reason. I don’t know why I feel like I’m gonna see him or he’s gonna talk to me I mean, I’m feeling him something strong today. I felt this before (but not as strong as this) and he never came or contacted. Although sometimes when I did feel like this he would show up stalking me. Alas, he would just sit in the truck and stare but not come talk to me and I think that he knows I want him to and that’s why he’s not, maybe?

I don’t know why and I can’t really explain this but as of this writing he is unblocked on the phone. It’s not like I’m gonna sit here and initiate contact and maybe not even answer him if he does happen to miraculously message me out of nowhere. I have decided instead of trying to fight the thoughts and feelings about him and what happened I’m just gonna go all balls in until I’m sick and tired and just bored of the whole debacle. I have to bore myself of it so Odin only knows what that entails. 

So what I’m gonna do now is make a list of the good things about not being involved with this douche:

* Not being actively subjected to his ungodly abuse (only passively because I’m doing it to myself by re-hashing and ruminating).

* Not standing next to such a short, ugly, mean racist fuck who relentlessly yammers on and on to complete strangers in public.

* Not worrying and utterly agonizing over whether someone who doesn’t even love themselves loves me.

* Not being triangulated with exes, dogs and prostitutes.

* Not having to whip myself into a whirlwind of anxiety and pain wondering why he started to act the way he did towards me, what did I do so “wrong” and when he’ll start acting/treating me the way he did in the beginning.

* Not worrying and torturing myself with blame (to a very, very much stronger degree than I’m already still doing) and when the fuck he would do any of the things he said he’d do.

* I got tf out when I did (year and a half) and didn’t waste anymore time being in the presence of his hateful shit energy.

I think he tried to incite actual physical fear in me. He was walking behind me one time (when we were in a good place relationally) and said “I was behind you, we’re you scared?” I looked at him like “bitch, please” and said to him with great vigor “I ain’t scared of NOTHING” and had told him this again later on as we were drifting apart but this time I added “except for HERE” and put my hand on my heart so he made sure to try and destroy it the best he could. Another time when we first first started talking, JUST talking he had seen hickeys on my neck from a guy I was messing with.

The next day he came to pick me up for lunch and I opened the door and he had his gun in the seat and I joked “I didn’t think you were that mad”, it really didn’t phase me much at all then I got into the truck to ride with this near-stranger. 

Well, that’s all for now so thanks for reading, have a great day and I love you!