It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and I got my wine and Bluetooth speaker ready for later. I hate drinking…I have a terrible relationship with alcohol and don’t really do it anymore. I used to blow through handles of vodka like nothing and it was NOT cute nor pretty. Tonight I just have some wine and dance with my daughter. It was mega fun last time and I guess I stopped just in time or we ran out or whatever.
I’m gonna do the best I can and think maybe I should just get my crying out before the drinking hour lay upon us. I’m very upset and more pissed than anything about EBA and soooooo many others just like him that hurt me. I honest to god thought he’d be different at least the first 3 and a half months. The year after that I was just holding out hope that he’d return to how he was in the beginning.
I wanted it SO bad that I could taste it! He had a plethora of shit going on that I was hoping his assholery was only because of the many, many stressful factors that were occurring in his life at the time and not his fucking mask slipping. I couldn’t understand that if I was his “therapy” and “the highlight of his day” then why was he making me suffer by not spending as much time with me anymore and going out of his way doing the things he knew damn well would drive me away?
I wondered and had hoped that maybe he was self-sabotaging because he probably felt like he didn’t deserve my love. “You deserve better” he told me on two different occasions but he didn’t want to become better. “I’ll never change and neither will you” he had told me after our first big “fight” following a 2020 new year’s post from our lovely C (his “ex”). I never told him I saw it and when someone commented “what a cute couple” when he looked like he got pulled from the bowels of hell and she’s built like a chicken-leg linebacker..ugh..stop it, me..Plus I WAS changing when I met him and he knew it. I told him I’m on a journey of self-improvement and re-wiring YEARS of conditioned behavior just to scratch the surface.
I never told him I saw the post, I just assumed he would know since he knew I checked. I think about if I should have said something but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have liked the answer and/or it would have just been more redundancy and giving me the run around. “I can’t help what she posts” he tells me then why does she do it? “She just wants to make you mad” “why?” “She doesn’t want me to be happy”, he says.
I say nothing I just THINK “why doesn’t she want him happy? What did he DO to her?”. Pain in the ass bullshit that I can’t fucking let go of! All morning at work every white pickup truck that passes I beg and plead and choke back tears..I remind myself it’s the eve of Christmas Eve and he’s probably out of town with C or Odin only knows who like he’d been doing.
Yes, our first Christmas “together” and doesn’t spend it with me or my kids after him saying he’s “gonna be their step daddy” then he peppers it with “if you don’t kick me to the curb first” and this was when things were good and I didn’t understand why he would say that but I didn’t really put alot of thought into it which I probably should have. Then again maybe it was running in my background brain programs and helped me to not get even closer or attached to him and to eventually tell him to “fuck off”.
Why would I even want a “man” that uses women in any way, shape or form and probably cheats like a mother fucker because he’s so ugly, insecure and only had his “ex”’s money and the sweet-talking lies going on for him? Dear GOD do I want to call him out publicly! I’m gonna do an unsent letter to him in here eventually. UNSENT he can never, ever know JUST HOW BAD he contributed to my inner turmoil, pain, stimulating childhood wounds and ego pummeling.
I guess I should just thank my lucky stars to all hell that I don’t have to sit here and be disappointed yet again by this motherfucker most especially on a holiday I could really care less about. But that’s not even the point…I had actually once said to him when we first started that I was excited about spending the holidays with him and he kind of dismissed and diminished it. Although he didn’t do it in such a way where it was really that obvious that I was going to be severely let down that Christmas he did it in a subtle way. That or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it or yet again having massive and unwarranted amounts of hope. He got the best of me (at that time) and I’m guessing I got the worst of him, at least from my perspective as I have never fully seen his rage or ALL of him. I have never spent more than 4 hours with him on a regular basis and only 2, maybe 3 sleepovers IN A HOTEL!!
Ok, guys I guess that’s all for now I’ll type to you later thanks for reading. Love you!
Despite my rantings and ravings there are two things I always tell myself and has proven true on multiple occasions and on a very high and unexplained level and it’s that “things always work out for me” and after another mismatch of the romantic kind is “I ALWAYS level up…always”. Leveling up doesn’t necessarily mean getting a better partner but it does mean that I improve myself greatly. The pain and disappointment fuels and inspires me, I want to progress and be awesome just to spite them!
I would just like to say that between what I had just gone through and perusing FDS that I really have a different way of looking at men. It makes no sense because it’s common knowledge and I’m 43 years old so you think that I would know better but godwas I saturated in pickme. I am currently having a high vibing day feeling pretty good and looking forward to a drinking and dancing session tomorrow but I do ponder some things in regards to him of course. I mean, hello, I am currently without DICKtraction!
If it was his initial intentions to utterly destroy, miserate me, knock me down a couple pegs and decimate my heart then (so far) he has succeeded exponentially. Is he happy now? Does he feel like a big strong and powerful man? How is the fuckery of destroying every loving relationship in his life working out for him any damn way? I also had a random memory around the time when things are starting to go to shit just before I had to let this motherfucker go.
I remember that he was showing me a picture his very best friend from childhood sent him of his mistress. He had said to me that the only thing that was wrong with her was that she was black and some other things (ugh! I knooowww!). Now I’m wondering if it was his friend that sent him that picture or if was the actual lady that sent him a picture and then he was fucking her instead of his FRIEND fucking her. Now whether or not it was him that was the one doing the fucking of that poor lady or his friend either way he’s in bad company and very much influenced by his bestest friend probably. We are the culmination of the five people that we spend our most time around (note to universe: allow more positive, uplifting and inspiring people in my life, please) So then I get to sit here and almost ruin my awesome day with this bullshit now.
I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I do have to realize that when people cheat that it’s not a personal thing most of the time. Look at Beyoncé and Halle Berry and all of them. Then it led me to another memory of when I first met him and things were absolutely beautiful and almost perfect. I was seeing somebody else at that time because EBA didn’t make it clear if it was something he wanted to pursue with me seriously or even SEMI-seriously or what (next time it’s gonna be if I want to pursue anything with THEM) not until he saw the hickeys on my neck from the other guy I was seeing so that he HAD to “win” me (HIS words) of course.
I think I remember telling myself that this guy, EBA, was doing and saying all the right things and making me feel really, really good but I was still over here seeing another guy at the same time. I was telling myself this because I guess maybe I had an underlying sense that he would probably cheat on me or something like that. As if I were already preparing myself for some inevitable heartbreak from the old, crusty fucker from hell.
I also just realized maybe I want him to come talk to me so I can unleash my unadulterated rage in a passive aggressive manner towards him. I remember thinking that he wanted me to just be some happy little doll that never cried based off of some things that were done and said. Such as my Mom saying something about us when I was out with him then it put me in a MOOD and I had to go into a bank with him (when he gave one of the tellers a biiiig ol’ smile) then he was alluding to how he didn’t want people thinking I was surly and upset because of HIM. As if he were embarrassed by my reaction to what she said to me.
Another time he had snuck up on me whilst I was riding my bicycle home. He had said how he saw me riding and jamming out to my music and how carefree (a-hem CHILDLIKE) I had seemed and just fell in love with me even more. He knew I was having troubles with mom (when I had a “rich” and loving boyfriend at the time..interesting) and would often say that he would get me away from her and stuff.
Well, anyway I’ll stop here. Thanks for reading and I love you!
He’s Blending Into The Tree Which He Should Do IRL..💔💔💔
I have realized this once before but it really hit different and very hard yesterday when I was sitting in the backyard. Even when I was with EBA and everything was super cherry, Like I had almost everything possible I could ask for, I still felt like I wanted to kill myself very, very deeply and that I wasn’t good enough. Like at all. I had contributed a lot of that feeling to having being stuck at the house with my mom who was giving me a very hard hard time then.
She has gotten better since I’ve taken over all the bills and I’m responsible for everything in the house (bill-wise mostly) as well as trying not to take everything so personally. I had also noticed, from my perception anyway, that she seems to be meaner to me when I did have a boyfriend. I don’t know I remember a lot of time she would tell me not to leave her and this was very recent. Especially when she thought I was going to go move to Georgia with him and told me not to leave her behind and stuff.
I just want to note that being with him really and supremely triggered my “not good enough” wounds and things like that. There were times that I noticed he was a lot like my mom too. Like alot. I don’t see why I should be dating somebody who makes me feel like complete and utter shit about myself when I live with somebody like that already. My reasoning was at least I was getting laid/some lovin’ here and there but after a while I was barely getting that anymore and I thank Odin that he never made me cum either. Why? I dunno, maybe I thought it would solidify my bond with him or something…
I torture myself with thoughts of him now with other women making him laugh and smile and giving him intense orgasms as well as having like what we had when it was good. But whose to say he wasn’t doing that garbage whilst deep in the recesses of my bowels and yes, I mean butt stuff. All “more than adoring” me, bringing me groceries that one whole time, talking about marrying me and “slaying all my demons” and just all these very, very nice things I’ve never had before…whatever..
So I was in the backyard having my contemplations and I thought to myself “what am I gonna do about him?” First off, there’s nothing to do and I had been asking myself that same thing since we were together together. Then I wonder if I’m just assigning him my pain because almost this same exact thing happened with the last couple of poorly selected fucktards and I do this with my mom as well. Whatever this is gnawing at my soul really needs to be examined rather than placing it onto others even if they are difficult to deal with at times. How to do it is a whole other jive, imo.
I was reading up on my law of attraction studies and if this is true; “Know that you can create an amazing life when you learn how the Universe works. It works through the way you feel” then I am royally screwed. HOW do I feel better? HOW do I self soothe in a way that will not be detrimental to my evolution? I know I could stop doomscrolling, I TRY to find bright sides as mush as possible because if I don’t then the pain and disappointment of life will multiply a thousand fold for sure! I know I bitch in here a lot and it’s BRIMMING with negative energy but I’m tryna get it OUT of me and find the others like me or some that can help me out of this. Plus it serves as a good warning, I suppose.
Don’t even get me started on my randomly losing one of my front teeth because of all the hate and negativity I incessantly wish and speak upon this fucker on the daily. I mean, yeah, I need to take better care of my teeth but not talking shit and speaking up for myself wouldn’t hurt, either. I think I have a problematic throat chakra especially the problems I was having with it only around my 43rd birthday..
Ok, guys. I guess that’s all I got for now. I’ll leave you to it. I love you.
Today is the 6th day of the 12th month in the year of 2021. I’m back to work on Monday after a weekend of smoking some weed and spoiling my mom for her birthday which I did a very good job of without any help from a crusty old man that lives to emotionally torture everyone in his path. I don’t feel as upset or angry about him today I feel more of an eerie calm for some reason. I don’t know why I feel like I’m gonna see him or he’s gonna talk to me I mean, I’m feeling him something strong today. I felt this before (but not as strong as this) and he never came or contacted. Although sometimes when I did feel like this he would show up stalking me. Alas, he would just sit in the truck and stare but not come talk to me and I think that he knows I want him to and that’s why he’s not, maybe?
I don’t know why and I can’t really explain this but as of this writing he is unblocked on the phone. It’s not like I’m gonna sit here and initiate contact and maybe not even answer him if he does happen to miraculously message me out of nowhere. I have decided instead of trying to fight the thoughts and feelings about him and what happened I’m just gonna go all balls in until I’m sick and tired and just bored of the whole debacle. I have to bore myself of it so Odin only knows what that entails.
So what I’m gonna do now is make a list of the good things about not being involved with this douche:
* Not being actively subjected to his ungodly abuse (only passively because I’m doing it to myself by re-hashing and ruminating).
* Not standing next to such a short, ugly, mean racist fuck who relentlessly yammers on and on to complete strangers in public.
* Not worrying and utterly agonizing over whether someone who doesn’t even love themselves loves me.
* Not being triangulated with exes, dogs and prostitutes.
* Not having to whip myself into a whirlwind of anxiety and pain wondering why he started to act the way he did towards me, what did I do so “wrong” and when he’ll start acting/treating me the way he did in the beginning.
* Not worrying and torturing myself with blame (to a very, very much stronger degree than I’m already still doing) and when the fuck he would do any of the things he said he’d do.
* I got tf out when I did (year and a half) and didn’t waste anymore time being in the presence of his hateful shit energy.
I think he tried to incite actual physical fear in me. He was walking behind me one time (when we were in a good place relationally) and said “I was behind you, we’re you scared?” I looked at him like “bitch, please” and said to him with great vigor “I ain’t scared of NOTHING” and had told him this again later on as we were drifting apart but this time I added “except for HERE” and put my hand on my heart so he made sure to try and destroy it the best he could. Another time when we first first started talking, JUST talking he had seen hickeys on my neck from a guy I was messing with.
The next day he came to pick me up for lunch and I opened the door and he had his gun in the seat and I joked “I didn’t think you were that mad”, it really didn’t phase me much at all then I got into the truck to ride with this near-stranger.
Well, that’s all for now so thanks for reading, have a great day and I love you!
I know with my brain that I should be focusing on my own self and my own life and fixing what needs to be fixed. I’m doing this and I’m trying the best that I can as much as I can to stay busy and productive and to self improve. Tell that shit to my heart..or is it my ego..or both..? There’s something about this brooding, though.. I must think it’s part of my identity or gives me my writer’s edge or whatever the hell it is. I just can’t seem to get rid of it I think it may very well be severely ingrained into my neurological pathways.
Hmph. “Writer’s edge”, how funny.. it’s not like I’m really all that great at it or have ever been published or anything. I just know that I love to do it and I can’t stop doing it and I’ve been doing it since I was eight. I have gotten accolades and recognition here and there for my writings but nothing that serious. My mom says that I like to wallow and have something to be upset about but I don’t think it’s a liking to wallow as much as it is some kind of macabre addiction to pain, darkness and torture.
After that supremely awesome blessing that I got on Thanksgiving morning and told myself that I was not allowed to be upset guess what I did? I got upset. I cried my ever loving eyes out yesterday in the bathroom at work, my happy place, and I’m TELTing again today. When the hell does it end? My mom says I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about him if I had someone else to consume my thought energy. I completely agree with her as I have said this to her before but I don’t wanna have to feel like I need someone else consuming my thought energy I would prefer if I didn’t have anyone involved and just gave it to myself but I don’t. Know. How.
I wish I knew how to be alone and be to myself whatever the hell this problem I’m having with obsessing over fucktards. I am sure that therapy and medication would assist greatly in my trajectory to awesomeness. It would also help me if I can get whatever therapist I see to get on board with helping me get a weed card. Maybe at the end of this year I’m going to pay some money on the doctor and go get some referrals and stuff. Ever since as long as I could remember I have my mom drilling into my head that therapy and medications were not optional and was to be avoided at all costs. I will work on changing it because obviously I need help.
Why does it bother me so much thinking that I will never see him again? Just typing that out has me almost crying and producing great pains in my heart. Like I have said multiple times before I should be exuberantly grateful to never have to be subjected to his abuse, mistreatment and disrespect ever again. I mean, he could be some kind of gay pedo for all I know and I have children! I can only imagine the hell he would have put us through if we ended up living with him and his “I run a very, very tight ship” ass. Laughter and joy would probably be banned and I already kinda live with that in a way although not as bad as before. Around the time I first met him he had asked about meeting my kids and I said “why? Are you some kind of pedo?” then he tells me “I wouldn’t tell you if I was one”.
But yeah, it’s very hard for me to accept that he’s not coming to try to talk to me (what a Segue, huh?), to beg after me, to show actual and genuine remorse and sorrow over the loss of me. It’s not like I can be happy in a relationship with him so I know this is just my ego being a little bitch, ok? If ego is so damn concerned with “winning” then it shouldn’t let ANY of this stupid and expired crap bother it, if it wants to “win” then it shouldn’t be concerned with someone I made an exception for and wasn’t even attracted to in the first place.
Even when he first told me his stupid, boring , TOO common name I was just..I don’t know how to explain it but the combination of his name and ethnicity reveal was a huge let down. I like a certain type of guy and the only thing I was really attracted to was his assholery because I was used to it and it felt familiar.
The assholery got much, much worse and then it was starting to come my way more and more for no good reason and I was just like “hell, no” but was/am still hoping that he tries to come back for me and I have to figure out the “why” of it! Ugh! Now when it (new relationships) feels “familiar” or I look forward to seeing them or smile when I think of them or see their texts if that ever happens (new rule: no texting, only personal visits and phone convos..texting makes me too crazy) then I know to cut it off immediately!
I really do not like the way that I feel emotionally about 93.5% of the time. The last time that I was emotionally satisfied for the most part was when I was in the beginning of the relationship with that fucking bastard and in love with who he pretended to be. I love being in lovve and could very well have an addiction to it and don’t think that I haven’t been googling shit out of it.
Do you know it’s funny when I used to get this horribly upset my appetite would cease to exist and now its the complete opposite. I just wish I could get the lack-of-appetite-sadness back. I just don’t want my hair, skin, tits and ass to suffer but it would also be nice to fit into cute clothes that are more cost efficient. I realize I talk about that demon fuck bitch on here a great deal but don’t worry I will dive into the eating disorders, addictions and lesbianism that I haven’t gotten to participate in yet soon enough.
All right I think I’ve gone on long enough thanks again for reading, guys. I love you.
The reflection of his truck as he watched me but didn’t get out to talk to me like a real man for some ungodly reason!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬
I wasn’t feeling too bad about EBA this morning but I caught myself trying to as if it were crucial to maintaining emotionally turbulent homeostasis. I told myself that I would not get upset about him or the whole shitshow after receiving the massive ass blessing that I got on Thanksgiving day. It was a very stark reminder that I am always looked out for and taken care of by this beautiful universe. There is no reason for me to continue being upset by this motherfucker unless it’s just the withdrawal of the “love hormones” and a nice, big, fat steaming trauma bond that I have to will myself to want to break.
I can’t understand how I’m still going through withdrawl when the last time I even touched him was almost two years ago. I’m sure if I would’ve been trauma broken or over it by now if he wouldn’t of been driving by stalking me for almost a year after I blocked him. So if you wanna get technical it’s been four months since I’ve seen him trying to (visibly) stalk me.
I did cross paths with him on 3 separate occasions when I was late for work and I was telling myself I will never go that route or be that late again ever. In the art of practicing self-love this is something that I must stick to because seeing him always throws me down a spiraling rabbit hole of despair.
On that note I was mulling over what I could’ve possibly done wrong for him to start treating me the garbage way that he did. I did the very best I could the only way that I knew how. I was a good and compliant girl I didn’t go and cheat on him I didn’t even really think about it as it was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn’t exchange phone numbers or anything like that with other people and I work in a hardware store and get hit on constantly. I also didn’t get drunk and tell him what I really thought about him. Most importantly I didn’t go and talk to his ex CM when I very easily could’ve (and very much wanted to) since I found her through FB.
I didn’t go driving by their house like he had accused me of on many occasions even though I don’t have a car and even went as far as to say that I want in an Uber..who the hell has the time and the money for that? He was the one that was stalking…there he goes projecting again. The only thing that I can think that I did wrong and I said this before was when I started to match his shit energy because I had told him if I felt him pulling away that I would pull away 1000 times more.
One time we were on the phone I forgot what we were discussing but I had said to him that I was reacting off of him for something that was him being a shit of course. I tried not to ask him too much about when the hell we would spend some quality time together again whereas in the before times he would come see me everyday. I also tried with every ounce of my being I could muster to refrain from asking if he was ever going to do any of the things that he said he would do in the beginning of course.
So what did I do wrong? Hold him accountable to his bullshit and match his energy pretty much. He said I became negative towards the end but that was because of his mistreatment and disrespect towards me, it was reactive abuse and he would even tell me sometimes to “get mad, blow a gasket..” I know it would be ideal to not let other people’s actions or lack thereof dictate our actions and feelings but it proves extremely difficult.
It doesn’t help that he was going out of his way to do the things that he knew damn well would cause me massive amounts of anxiety, discomfort and hellish pain. Trying to teach me…teach me what? Not to trust anyone ever again? To hate men? (I adore men, just not how the majority has treated me) Who the hell does he think he is anyway? Talk about a superiority complex. What the hell did I do so wrong? Love him too much? Apparently so.
What? Was I too needy? He didn’t seem to have any kind of problem with it in the beginning he even kind of bragged about it to one of his friends. He said to me “I know what I’m getting my hands into..” in regards to me, whatever the hell that meant. I would prefer to not think of it as “needy”, just unmet needs. I told him from the jump that I love hard. Sometimes I think he used this against me he even once said does he think he targeted me (my words) because I loved hard as it was not the case, so he said.
What? Was he mad that he couldn’t make me cum and that I didn’t fake it? Too bad..try harder and try the right way. Maybe I’m just too beautiful and awesome for him, personally, he did say that I was “too much woman for this world”. This I choose to believe that he meant. Because it is the truth…I mean I do get 2 periods a month sometimes so I’m too much woman for my own damn self! Lol
It really seems as though he was the last one I’d love like I did. I even said to my mom he was the end of the line and he even said it about me once on his own accord. But for real, I seriously and honestly, with my entire soul and being, most definitely think and feel as though I will never allow myself to be swept up, caught up and playing along to the lovebombing/futurefaking disguised as “love”. I will never, ever, ever , everrrrr go through that or feel that ever again if I could help it at all.
Yeah, no more butterflies or love or whatever the hell “romantic”shit he did manage to muster up. I feel like that was the last time I would ever have that or anything close to it again and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s a good or bad thing. You know it has been said through many reliable sources that butterflies aren’t necessarily a good thing but a warning system to stay away,rather.
I should be glad to never have to go through that again especially if it’s all gonna end the same like the last couple of ugly and abusive fucks did. Wow. I really hope I enjoyed it while it was happening the best to my ability. Even if I was always wondering what the catch was or when the other boot would drop.
This is fucking sad and it’s making me feel hopeless and destitute.. ugh! I just had a random memory of when we had a bad rat problem at my house awhile back. We had done all we could to get the rat issue under control and then EBA starts showing up around there and they disappeared. Haven’t had any problems or seen any since..funny how even his own kind doesn’t wanna be around him, lol.
Having a cat helps, too. That’s a little manifestation story for another time, I think I’ve ranted enough, gonna go enjoy my blessings and I hope you do, too. Thanks for reading, I love you!
I would really like to believe that he wasn’t some kind of narcissistic sociopathic asshole that gets off on abusing and mistreating women just because he’s got some kind of chip on his shoulder for being such an ugly, fat, short, bug-eyed little toad that needs to use his “ex” girlfriends money to impress people. I would like to believe that all the nice things that he said and did in the beginning were real and that he really meant all of it. I would like to believe that he just got too scared and old unhealed wounds opened up and he was re-traumatized by how much love I was making him feel.
Remember, he’s not used to people being so nice to him and he even said “scary” when it came to how much he loved me..I mean of course I always entertain the thought of a man lying to me but still. He’s a (now) 53 year old man and still running around a hurt little boy and causing a ruckus in the hearts of those trying to love him. I am very understanding and open-minded and I could have worked with him the best I could but the mistreatment, disrespect, his hateful energy and racism is no deal.
How can you be a racist and have so much hate and try and tell me I’m your girl and that you’ll marry me? I am mixed with Puerto Rican and Filipino. Yes, I may be a “white girl” but I got the islands in my blood. The very second he told me he was racist and that he “used to” solicit the services of call girls..I should have just dipped the fuck out! That’s how bad of a place I was in when he found me… he told me “ I got you when you were vulnerable”, but within the context with which it was spoken as well as what my ears wanted to hear I took it as him looking out for me and trying to protect me.
He said I was “too nice” and that I can be easily taken advantage of and stuff like that. I didn’t think he would be one of them. That motherfucker put on a good ass show, for real! The horrible part about all of this is that I’m over here alone with nobody to distract myself with or to exchange energies, if you will. I am most definitely not used to being single or not being in some kind of relationship and it’s very, very hard. I get to think about him probably off tricking and manipulating some other poor soul into loving him and feeding off of their energy. He could also be using hookers to make himself feel better and good about himself and all that bullshit while I’m over here fucking suffering to all hell when it comes to him and my lack of love life. I wonder if he thinks the same about me having a fuck-fest. When I met him and I believe he asked what’s the longest I had ever been single and I said I never went more than 3 months all proud like it was a good thing which I thought it was but now I’m reconsidering even though 🎶my loneliness is killing me🎶.
“You know what consumes me about you?” He posed the question to me in the truck one day. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thinks that I would just go off into a car in a parking lot with somebody and suck them off. I’m sorry but I was in a relationship with him and I wouldn’t even dream of it. I was in the process of leveling up and evolving and killing my pickme so I don’t know why he would even say that. He was probably projecting so we should just call him “IMAX”. It could very well have had something to do with the fact that I had a high sex drive and that he couldn’t make me cum. It doesn’t mean I would’ve just ran off with anybody I was all about his stankin ass and his stankin ass only! That was part of the problem I should always keep my way tf options open and it’s what I’m going to do from now on no matter what.
When will this incessant and intrusive longing and searching end already? It is a soul crushing an unbearable pain on my psyche and spirit. What is this great hunger to preoccupy myself with another person outside of my being? Where is this coming from? I wish I could just go to therapy already. I have a full-time job that I love, I go to Roller derby practice I do arts and crafts, drawing, writing and creative things. I have my kids and fam as well as little goals that I’m working towards and I got my skating. What is this obsession with entangling my whole entire being and worrying about misogynistic, closeted-gay fucktards that get hard from hurting me/women in general? Why do I feel like I need their approval when they don’t even approve of their own damn selves!?
Are my daddy issues that deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can’t even function like a normal person? Daddies leave, Daddies hurt you, Daddies aren’t always available, Daddies are human and I can’t sit here looking to have all my problems solved and have someone fill a Daddy-shaped hole with security, contentment, love and fulfillment especially an abusive one that claimed to “need healing, too”. I have to be my own Daddy! Huh. We used to refer to EBA as “Daddy” in and out of the bedroom. I remember when we first started talking and he said to me “you don’t wanna make daddy mad, do you?” He barely even knew me but boooyyyy if that didn’t get my pants tingling I don’t even know what! Such a great salesman telling people what they wanna hear with his sweet-talking lies. There’s a special place in hell for people like him and I hope and desperately pray that I bear witness to his burning and suffering!!
Ok, I think that’s enough for now, once again..thanks and I love you! 😘❤️
This is where he would hide in his truck and watch me like a giant coward!
Let’s start with when I first gave him my phone number and it took my getting hickeys from a guy I was messing with before he used it. He would come in to my job to visit with me before he texted or ever called me, we even sat in his truck during my lunch just to talk. He had told me after we got together that he fought himself like utter hell to not pursue me like, What? I’m some kind of forbidden fetish? Is it that he was still in a relationship and was cheating? Well I guess it’s a damn good thing I got rid of him, huh? I should thank my lucky stars If I never see him again. Anyway, I have no filter so when I met this guy I pretty much trauma dumped all over his face, held nothing back and he knew everything about my life. I may as well have handed him the playbook to my pain which was suuuuch a smart move /s.
I had expressed my interest in weekly fuckings to him not necessarily with him per se but just in general. It’s safe to say that I have a much higher libido than he did and I don’t know if a lot has to do with hormones, upbringings, traumas and a whole soup of circumstances. Another factor is that he was in his early 50s, had health issues and didn’t take care of himself so it wasn’t easy for him to get and maintain erections even around me. I mean I could really care less since he ate a whole bunch of pussy and it’s all about the clit anyway, right? Still never made me cum no matter how hard he tried but it was for his own ego and not so much for my pleasure.
He did this weird motorboating thing with his mouth on my clit which is nice and different and all but I don’t even use vibrators and that’s not how I’ve been pleasing myself for 27 years. You would think that he would want to learn how to do it the way I am acclitmated to if he wanted me to cum so damn bad! Please keep in mind the timeframe that I am referring to at this moment that I was a major huge pickme. So as we were getting to know each other and stuff it really seemed like he made me wait a very long time to have sex. I would say about 2 months since we met which I know should be about 3 to 6. I mean I always knew, I just didn’t care but I sure do now!
He is sitting there talking to me and telling me that we should bond more first and that after we have sex it would get way more intense and I didn’t know if he meant for me or for him. Probably for him since I never got to orgasm even though he really thought he could make me, I mean he really, really tried but like I said, in his way. I don’t know if he really meant that or that maybe he was trying to manipulate me into being hooked to him, thinking it’s what I wanted to hear or maybe he wanted me to think that’s what he thought. Just like he’s talking about me being “wife material” and he barely even knew me. Thinking that just because I’m a woman marriage is the first and foremost thing on my mind. I already have my children and I’ve been with my baby daddy for 16 years (he asked me a couple times to marry him and I wasn’t feeling it) I know what that life is like and I don’t wanna go back.
I don’t know why I thought I was going to marry him and be happy about it. Probably because I thought that he was going to rescue me from my mother whom he is almost exactly like, paging Dr. Freud! Even after a while when I saw he was starting to be an asshole I thought that it was OK and that I can deal with living with him in Georgia as long as I get some lovin’ out of it. LMAO! Yeah, right.. he is the KING of withholding affection as punishment. If he even THINKS you did anything “wrong” like have boundaries, standards and/or hold him accountable for his bullshit you get nolove and maybe even some silent treatment to sweeten the deal. He’s even told me before that “good girls get rewarded” like I’m some kind of fucking dog.
Oh, let’s be careful with that analogy as he has admitted to me on various occasions that he prefers dogs because “you can kick them around and treat them like shit and they’ll never leave and they’ll never cheat.” The outright audacity.. but I digress. So not only was I a big time pickme I was also a giant-ass people pleaser. I even told him this…what a stupid thing to do. I love everything about sex I think about it all the time and I’m down for whatever, whenever. He told me the women he used to be with would often ask him annoyed if he was done yet (if that was even true) but I was the complete opposite of that. I love to do everything and I mean everything,ok?
I was always in the mood and always ready to go so he had no reason to withhold sex unless he was punishing me or he just gets off on non-consent. He had even once said to me that I should tell him “no” more often. Yeah, yeah, yeah. guys like the chase and all that but I thought sex was how you showed love plus I was bored and “needed” the validation. It’s funny, for someone who likes and thinks about sex so much, I never fucking have an orgasm from it and don’t start with that “you just haven’t found the right guy”. So ALL those guys I was with, ALL were that bad, huh?
There was a good amount of them, too and a lot of them tried the best they could and god knows I tried on top of them as well. One of them I lived with for 16 years and he has seen 3 of his children come forth into the world through my portal and I couldn’t cum with him, either! After awhile with EBA it felt like I was begging and chasing no matter how much I left him alone and waited for him to initiate. Sex was a big subject I talked about and always felt like asking when we would have a session again more towards the end which highly contributed to our separation.
Of course in the beginning times he would text me my “good morning”’s, something in the afternoon and then I would get my “tell-me-you-got-home-safe good night”’s. This is after the relationship was a little bit more established. The first 4 months he would come see me every single day and I even said that he shouldn’t come see me that often. The very first day that he couldn’t come see me was at the end of June (4 months out) just before the housefire and by then I was starting to panic even more and really feeling unsafe and insecure in regards to him. He knows what it means to me to hear from him on a regular basis and this was before I knew I had an anxious attachment style (from what I gather he’s avoidant or just a raging sociopathic and narcissistic asshole).
After our first major fight in December 2020 when I saw that stupid post but I didn’t tell him but we still fought about it, I’m sure he knew, is when he started to slack on the communication with me. I would even go a week or so without hearing from him and that never happened before so it catapulted me into panic mode. He told me he was trying to teach me..teach me what? To hate men? I thought I could handle it at first but after a while it was physically affecting me and making me very, very sick.
I didn’t like the feelings that he was causing me and the little bit of money he was giving me wasn’t worth the absolute emotional turmoil that I was being wrung through. So in May 2020 is when shit really started to go downhill and it was just a little bit after Mother’s Day. I got a little tipsy on wine and couldn’t take it anymore. I told him off through text since he didn’t answer his phone after a certain time of night because he claimed to be sleeping and then I blocked him.
It took 4 months which was 2 weeks after my birthday before I first saw him drive by the garden center of my job staring at me through tinted windows but I knew it was him. The Trump paraphernalia all over the truck as if he was personally hand-picked to participate in the Orange Man circus gave it away. The chemical reaction that I got was off the charts..I was shaking so very badly and my heart was pounding through my chest and I didn’t know if that meant it was a good thing although I don’t see how or I should be scared (or wary of him) even though I’m not scared of him at all.
All I know is that I didn’t like the feeling and it was as if I had my anxiety cranked to 10000. For the next couple of months he would drive by and watch me and sometimes, just to further torture me and keep me from getting over him and reminding me of his unfortunate existence, he would sit in the parking lot and stare at me for periods of time. I didn’t like that he just sat out in the parking lot and didn’t come in and talk to me that really pissed me off.
In January I saw him drive-by one busy Sunday afternoon and I went to unblock him to ask him what he wanted and before I could say anything he had started to text first and here’s what happened:
EBA: I got my eye on you still, girl. I’ve been watching you the last couple weeks from a distance (it was about 4 months at that time) I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I will make it up to you just give me some time (sounds like a confession to cheating) I also don’t wanna cause you any more trouble so if you don’t speak to me. It’s well deserved.
I wasn’t gonna answer like at all But after an hour I couldn’t help myself..
ME: what do you need more time for?
EBA: I still got too many obstacles. I couldn’t help myself anymore after weeks of watching you at work. I had to make some type of contact with you. I don’t know if it’s a good idea because I don’t want to give you false hope (that’s all he’s been doing for as long as I’ve known him)sorry if it’s a bad idea.
ME: obstacles like what? Hooking a new victim? I have no false hope. I’m not even the same person at all. You told me I would never change but I was changing since I met you. I have obstacles too, you know, but I always prioritized you and I take some blame b/c I gave you the gun to shoot me with. So whatever, a real man would get out and talk to me to my face. Have a good day, *his name instead of “daddy”*
EBA: you have toughened up. That’s good, that’s what I expected. I don’t need another victim (woooooow…) remember I also thought of you as my friend and yes, I did something terrible to you (there it is again!) and I’m sorry and I know sorry isn’t good enough and I should have spoke to you like a man for that I am guilty of, I have no excuses. But thank you, your text answered my question. Stay strong and I’m proud of you regardless what you think and please don’t let this ruin your day. (WOOOOOOOW)
ME: (rolling my eyes) I am very disappointed that you led me on so much, I knew I should not have ever trusted you. I was right and you can’t ruin my day, you don’t have that much power. Im always happy at work, remember? (He knows I get tons of attention and hit on all day every day)
EBA: I wasn’t leading you on (the lovebombing and the future-faking was off the friggin charts! He was the one who said he wanted to marry me, and “more than adored” me, ok!?!) but in a way that’s what it looks like (his claims of mentally unraveling after our Dec. fight are looking pretty true) I did, it’s ok. Im sorry once again I just wanted to make some type of contact so I can get closure on it (I’mthe one that needs it! Also I know he’s just throwing out his shitty line to see if I’ll still bite) and now I know how you feel and with every right. It’s all good, it’s very well deserved. Thank you for clearing the air. Have a great day, *my name instead of “pumpkin”!! 🤬🤬🤬).
ME: you will never know how I feel and you should give yourself your own closure. You don’t need to involve other people in the circus going on in your head.
EBA: you’re absolutely correct, wasn’t trying to make closure on your end. I know you’re over it ( I wish!! Even almost 2 years later am very, very far from “over it”) I’m trying to put closure on it on my end (he’s the one that pushed me to block him! He knew what he was doing) and you’ve done it. Thank you and stay strong. This is what I expected of you, (the whole “everything I do with you is for a reason” quickly sprang to mind) I’m proud of you I didn’t mean to do what I did to you (still did it, tho!) trust me, I just want you to know that (doesn’t make anything better at all in any way, shape or form) and less of a man that I always spoke about (??) so you keep moving forward be strong like you’ve already shown me I feel a lot better now (I don’t, I feel a million times worse!) that I know you are strong, mentally fit and moving on with your life (I. Don’t. Have. A. Choice!!!)like I knew you would
ME: I’m over it (still not, don’t think I ever will be!) b/c you left me no choice. YOU did this (just noticed there was no “I love you”’s or “I miss you”’s within this interaction) I absolutely loved you I HAVE to be over it b/c I have a whole house to take care of and I need to concentrate on finding lawyers and surgeons (he didn’t ask why). Im not as crazy as you thought I was (still stand by the belief that he wanted a manic pixie dream girl to help him forget about himself).
EBA: never thought you were crazy. I knew you were fragile b/c of your stressful lifestyle with being the only one everyone depends on. Like I said, there are no excuses for what I’ve done (he really makes it sound like he fucked my sister or some shit!) just keep doing what you’re doing. Stay strong and I’m proud of you. You’re a strong woman, I’ve always said that and I’m sorry to ruin your day (I think he wanted to for an ego boost at this point!).
M: you didn’t, this was actually fun.
EBA: just keep going on and make like we never made contact (I’m re-reading this almost a year later with tears in my eyes and it STILL PISSES ME OFF!!).
M: no problem
EBA: see? Nice blunt tough answer. I always knew you were a lion, one more question I have, were you giving me the finger today when I passed by?
ME: I’m a lady and ladies don’t flip birds (he was big on the “lady” shit, probably because he wishes he were one!)
EBA: you are right and I am proud of you. I’m glad you’re thinking along those lines so my time with you wasn’t all bad. At least you can think about you are twice as strong now as you were before you met me.
M: whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.
Then I re-blocked and he still stalked after that for like 4-5 more months until I sent that note off with his co-worker.
I’ve threatened him with a restraining order before and I didn’t think he really seemed like the type to back off even if he is under multiple investigations and stuff. I have told him in the past, when it was still good, that a real man will kick down my door and drag me out by my hair and claim me. Don’t mind me I’ve always considered movies like “Natural Born Killers”, “Dracula” and “Sid and Nancy” to be romantic in nature.
I have threatened him with a restraining order over the phone one other time but he didn’t stop he only stopped after I sent a note off with one of his coworkers. I wonder if he’s mad at me that’s why he’s not trying to talk to me but why would he be mad at me? Was it because I cursed him out and dared to block him like a common fuckboi? if he doesn’t want to get treated like a common fuckboi then he shouldn’t act like one!
I’m trying to figure out if he’s staying away from me because he’s actually respecting my boundaries or it’s a form of punishment because it sure damn feels like it. Then I have to remember that being in a relationship with him and his true self when he’s not lovebombing and pretending is more of a punishment than anything! I remember after our December fight I said to him that “I have boundaries, now” and he whispered back to me “boundariessss”..I can almost hear the hiss!
Now I have the daunting task of trying to convince myself that stalking is abusive and not romantic. I begrudgingly continue to entertain the thought of him keeping his eye on me one way or another wether it be from afar and/or through flying monkeys and I have to ask myself and pontificate as to why I would want that? Like I said, 43 years of re-parenting, re-conditioning and re-wiring so it’s a good thing I am single and not getting caught up in the chemistry of fuck.
Ok, thanks for reading and hope your day goes well. Get some lovin’ for me. I love you!
Well, after my last entry I went into the bathroom and cried my ever loving guts out. Through clenched fists and teeth and eyes shut tighter than Fort Knox I prayed with every piece of energy and pain I had. “Let him suffer. Let him sufferrrr..” I came back out to a raging storm out side I had to bike home in. It’s fine, I rather it got me on the way home than on the way to work.
Witchcraft..I have always been drawn to it and there is a family history of it on the maternal side as far as I know. I really only started to actively practice about 3-4 maybe 5 years ago. There are some instances that stick out to me at this time. I remember one time I told another piece of shit ex of mine we shall call “puto”, I said to him “there’s a big storm coming your way and it’s got my name written all over it!” I never talk like that but something made me and I was drinking at the time. So as it turns out the very day I said it there was a tropical storm brewing with my name! It never made landfall because I stopped being pissed I guess, lol. That same day I spoke into existence a couple of other small things.
Some other very weird and unexplained situations and happenings with him and lightning and mind-reading stuff. I had a lot of mind-reading with EBA as well and a whole hell of a lot of synchronicities. He knew I was actively practicing and even joked about my having a crystal ball. I know when I unwittingly manifested this creep-o I would listen to “You Got It All” by The Jets on repeat and I mean RE-PEAT. One day when things were still very, very nice or maybe it was just a nice day with him because he didn’t have me all fucked up yet, we were at some random restaurant and then he asked me “did you really call for me?” and right then and there that song played out of the ethers and it’s a very, very old song I never hear out in the wild. The lyrics were how I felt about him at the time. Well, same way I called for him I can uncall for him and that I did by praying and begging with every last inch of my soul for protection and peace.
One other time in the beginning when he was still hiding most of his fuckery, I was in the break room at work and I felt with all of my energy and being how much I wish so, so, soooo bad that he didn’t live with CM. I was putting a lot of thought energy into it and then he texts me later on to tell me his mudding truck caught on fire and spread to a good portion of the house..too bad it didn’t do the whole world and himself a favor and get his stankin’ ass! Yes, I could contribute all this to coincidence but where’s the fun in that? I haven’t been actively practicing as of late like starting around August because I was spiraling into a deep and dark depression and was calling out of work a whole lot which is concerning because this is my happy place and people are nice to me here and I keep busy and make bank.
I don’t know if the depression made me not really care about actively practicing (I say “actively” practicing because I believe with some things that have been happening that I’m passively practicing without meaning to) but it’s just as well because maybe I shouldn’t be practicing whilst in a dark state such as this. “This” because I still have the depressions and the anxiety as well. I have so much anger and rage it’s unfathomable..I wanna say it’s because of what transpired between EBA and I and it is to an extent. My mom told me that maybe everyday worries about living in this society and things of that nature is what is really causing it and I just need to/it’s easier to place blame on him.
I put my fair share of blame on myself for entertaining that shit when I knew better and had gut feelings and bodily reactions to the underlying fuckery that I was blinding myself to but I held out so, so very much hope and just prayed to every known being that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could be wanted, loved and adored on a genuine level but the consistency? He didn’t provide that for very long. I never really felt safe or secure with him, anyway. Just hoped and prayed..wanted real love and it looked like he may have been able to give that to me the way I felt was acceptable for a hot minute there. Of course when he started to pull away and completely do a 180 on how good he was to me I kept blaming myself (still do sometimes). What did I do wrong and how can I fix it and get him to treat me how he was treating me in the beginning? How do I get THAT guy back? Every resource I run this by says that it’s most likely the lovebombing and him securing his mask to get me hooked to him and how he was in the end is how he really is.
He did say to me “my relationships don’t last” when he had me bathed in love hormones, of course. Why did I think I would be immune? Ugh! One of his co-workers came into my job and called him. “Lover boy” when I asked if he knew him so I could give him a note to give to him. On the note I wrote: “if you don’t leave me alone, I’m getting a restraining order” and kissed the bottom with lipstick. The dude read it and asked if he came in to bother after I told him about EBA sitting in the parking lot to which I replied “he doesn’t have the balls to” and I PRAY that was relayed to him! I haven’t seen him stalking me at work since I sent that note off and it pisses me off that it didn’t prompt him to come talk to me and/or try harder!
It used to drown my baby hamsters when he’d just drive by or sit and watch from the parking lot and not come in and hide behind the stack of buckets like a normal person or even try to talk to me! Why do I still feel like I want him to come try to talk to me? What would he even say? Would I believe any of what he would spittle out of his head, anyway? I never really and fully 100% believed anything he said to me even in the beginning.
I just thought it was because of my past traumas and insecurities but maybe I was picking up on his shady character, too. “I’ll come back for you when the time is right” he once told me after the very first time I hadn’t heard from him for a very long time (2 weeks at the time after I saw the 2020 new years’ post CM put on FB) “just give me 10 years” he told me..I thought he meant for us to still be together and give him 10 years but now I don’t think that’s what he meant. So, yeah..I don’t know what this shit is of wanting to see and talk to him again when I know it’s better for me to not be subjected to his manipulation and abuse..addictions and trauma bonds and bordem, I guess..if I had someone else to “play” with I wouldn’t even be thinking of him as much, tbh. Shit hurts..
Ok, that’s it for now, on the next episode I get into how he basically forced me to block him, his subsequent stalking and the last time we communicated with each other. As always, thanks for reading and I love you!
Here we go again with the mulling, wish I could want to stop, wish I wanted to not care anymore and just let the whole shitshow fucking go, already! Why do I hold on so tight? Why do I feel this incessant need to torture and punish myself? I was thinking of the ways my life has improved since I berid myself of the fuming toxic masculinity that permeated off of this short uggo that hates himself..
1. Signed up for my 410k at my job that is already coming in handy for me.
2. Invested in stocks.
3. Almost didn’t get my tax return (big-ass amount) because of student loans but I got it due to the ‘Rona and it prompted me to get on a payment plan for the loans.
4. Fixing my license by myself.
5. Got the stimulus checks so I didn’t feel like I had to ask him for help with shit.
6. Received early child tax credit which I desperately needed to feel like a normal person even just a little bit.
7. Received maximum food stamps so once again I didn’t feel like I needed to ask him for shit but by that time I wasn’t talking to him anymore but still..
8. Won a good amount off of a scratch off with my birthday as the winning numbers.
9. Opened up a bank account.
10. Took over all the bills in my house and the mortgage and everything (I never lived with him but he used to help me out a whoooole lot with money that I don’t even think half of it was his, tbh).
11. Actually kept to myself and staying celibate and not entertaining just any old monkey in the circus.
12. Not drinking heavily, no relapsing into destitutional alcoholism.
13. Going to get notary and actual license after the holidays.
14. Manifested awards and high recognition and praise at work.
15. Not having holidays and special occasions absolutely decimated.
Omggg, I spoke already in my first post the absolute fuckery of having to spend my first (and only) birthday with this supreme asshole from hell! I never really cared much for my birthday for many a reason until EBA and his lovebombing. So because I thought what he was doing in the beginning with all the attention, money and the stupid, ugly bracelet I didn’t even want was the real thing (his “love” for me) I expected to have a nice enough birthday. I told him all I wanted was to just have a ROWDY day where I ride around with him to job sites and just spend time with him. No fancy eating or jewelries or anything spectacular..maybe some butthole licking for me..nbd, right?
Well, the whole week of my birthday he basically shit on after I did the best I could on barely any income and not easy to get around to stores to make him a nice birthday. Ok? Day of my birthday I had to pull a “happy birthday” out of him and like the day before he said in a very mean way that he wasn’t coming to get me day of my birthday to which I was just hoping he had forgotten. The day after when we were supposed to spend a nice time together he angrily tells me his son sprung some court shit on him last minute and he doesn’t think our day would be that long.
You know what I’m thinking..so we ride around and I give him a late birthday (his) present of a custom made hat he seemed to like enough but I never saw him wear it or use any of the little things I managed to get him. So, I’m in the truck a lot and he’s doing his office meetings and stuff. I guess I should be glad he gave me some money but it wasn’t any more than what he usually gave me monthly and I used it in groceries and some stuff for my daughter’s birthday and I had to go in the store by myself and feel rushed.
So I come back out and see him talking to some woman and I’m just standing there scowling and he bellows “get the fuck in the truck!” Then I hurriedly get in and he says she was asking for blood donations (I still believe this) so he’s driving and bitching and I’m thinking if I wanted this abuse I would have stayed home and took it from my mom but at least I’d be getting my butthole licked, right? Ha.
So he’s bitching and driving and calls me “narcissistic”..ok, I could see where he’s coming from and I have to admit that I may have some of those tendencies but a full blown personality disorder? Boo-boo, that’s you! Anyway, he takes me home early which I didn’t even wanna be there and I try and get the groceries out as fast as I can and he seemed to have felt bad enough but not too much, god forbid. He never came to lick my butthole which I associated with “love” but at least he called me to tell me so I could hear his voice rejecting me on a personal level.
Reliving this I’m almost TELTing again but I was getting upset and self deprecating and angry af earlier at my register, my eyes darting to every royal blue long sleeve I saw..every white pick up truck..every silver head..wish I didn’t care, for real! Told my mom if it wasn’t him it would be someone else and I said this whilst in love with this righteous asshole from literal hell!!
The thing about the jewelry is that we thoroughlydiscussed what I wanted because he asked and I was very specific about what I wanted. A week or so later he sends me a pic of a Pandora bag and I’m thinking it’s what I have always wanted but didn’t think I could get myself. Please tell me why it’s the complete opposite of what we discussed. It was nice enough but that’s because I wasn’t used to the lovebombing and never had anyone buy me jewelry, not even my baby daddy but that’s because we were raising children and paying bills.
What kind of manipulative shit is that anyway? That ugly ass bracelet he made such a big deal about is at the bottom of the canal as we speak and the jewelry I wanted is resting beautifully on my neck brought to you by me. So now when my fucking birthday comes around I make it a damn point to spoil myself and this last one I got my diamonique tennis bracelet myself. So I’m sure between the gold name necklace and my bracelet I have spent double what he did with that shitty fucking bracelet I hated! Ugly ass clunky and gaudy shit getting in the way of my push-ups!
Ugh! I have so much unadulterated rage on the purest level of Hades’ inner circle of all hellfire! Am I sure it’s not period time? Lol. Joke’s on me sometimes I get two periods a month or even all month long if I’m a lucky duck! Alright, dudes..that’s enough for now I think. Once again thanks for reading and I love you!
A Perturbed Virgo 