I Just want someone that is visibly happy to see me and cares whether or not I live or die and not just because I pay their bills.
I don’t really ask for a whole lot. Not from him..I never did (even he concurred with this saying that I don’t ask for anything). All I want is for him to come beg and cry after me and mean it from the depths of his soul and I need to feel it. I want him to beg and cry and give me a lot of money and for me not to be attached or fall for it that’s all. I don’t care if I have to go the whole month without eating if I can just get that I would be so goddamn happy..😭😭😭
I would fucking starve myself of food for a whole month just to show the universe I’m serious about this. Maybe I stop smoking 🍀🍀 and masturbating whilst we’re at it! When would I start this and how do I go about a month-long fast when I workout and am on my feet all day? Protein shakes? Vitamins? What? I. Am. Serious. I miss Daddy, I want to see him, I want to feel nothing but disgust and turned off. I want to feel his desperation for wanting me again, crying, begging and helping me with finance stuff again.
It doesn’t even have to be for well-intentioned purposes. I want to deny, punish and break his heart like he did to me (but still accept the money because there’s no food in the house rn) I want to feel better about all of this!! I can’t even fully enjoy this new guy whose lovebombing the shit out of me at this time. Don’t even matter because then I think if this guy was sent by EBA or not..lotsa stuff. I met him over a week ago and he’s sounding an awful lot like EBA did in the beginning. Of course it’s good dopamine and serotonin hits so I have to really slow it down and make it last as long as possible.
Good Lord baby Jesus I had to do it again. So I come across a shorty-short (mentioned above) at my work who fell in love with me at first sight, so he says. Already he started with a lovebombing-red- flag parade which of course I ate up but I was fully aware. Yes, he’s better looking than EBA but he is so short and he barely speaks English and he lives an hour away from me I don’t like those things. I do like how he was making me feel the things that he was saying and stuff like that I only met him about two weeks ago so it hasn’t really been that long.
So because I respond to lovebombing for some ungodly and unhealthy reason I proceeded to entertain this person. You should’ve seen the texts that he sent me..sooooo much “love at first sight” and “adore you” and “crazy about you” and fucking “god watching our love story unfold” and shit!
Somethings that I thought was that maybe it was the translator and/or he’s just a very passionate Latin man. He did come from Honduras six years ago (so he says) so of course what I’m thinking is that he needs a green card or something. Which is fine with me as long as you tell me and don’t lie to me with a bunch of “love” bullshit.
So anyway he seemed really gung ho about it all. He was doing some work around here right? So his texting behaviors were not still in alignment with what he started with and it’s only in the first week. Now I know I told him to slow down a little but not this goddamn much do you know? Just a steady pace. Maybe because like attracts like I have to get the extremes right? So anyway because I was excited I keep checking my phone for his messages and fighting tooth and nail not to message him.
Because I’m not over my ex and still deep into his psyche of course the shit residue of our relationship is going to bleed over into what I’m trying to do with this new guy. So every time I check my phone and didn’t see anything I get the feelings that I don’t can’t stand. I seriously contemplated on just blocking him so that I don’t have to look at him not messaging me and/or maybe he’ll show up on his own. He did come drive an hour to see me last Sunday and sat and watched me work for three hours and even helped me a little bit and got me much needed earphones and everything so there’s that.
All I know is it caused waaayyy, way too much distress when I saw that he still didn’t message me this morning after an unsatisfactory exchange (in my opinion) yesterday. I just went ahead and blocked him anyway. It’s too much for me to handle and I’m not gonna take any more lies because this is just a bunch of words he’s throwing around I see no tangible and RESL efforts and actions For someone who claims to be so in love with me and I’m not gonna wait around for them either.
It was nice to hear the flowery words and a little bit of affections that I got when I did see him at work and stuff and I even almost forgot about EBA. I mean I just didn’t think about it that much and when I muttered to myself how much I hated him I realize it has been a while since I did that so Lilbit was a good distraction I just wish he would’ve kept on his shit though. Or maybe not.
No lie I signed up to volunteer in a nursing home so I can find me a nice and dirty old man. And whenever I talk to this piece of shit I’ll just tell him “whenever I think I miss you I just go volunteer at the nursing home” LMAO I hope to God I can use that on him!
I can’t even begin to describe just how relieved I feel after having blocked Lilbit. Like a weight has been lifted..and I JUST MET the guy so how much of it is me and how much of it may or may not be me listening to my intuition and/or spirit guides and heeding red flag fuckery? I distinctly remember laying in my bed just last night telling myself that I didn’t listen to my doubts and concerns the last couple times (a.k.a. my whole life) and look what the hell happens. I’m trying to do the opposite of what I would normally do.
Normally the old me would hold out hope, learn to live with the anxiety-riddled heartache pain of not seeing any text messages and/or visits, put up with all the stupid bullshit that makes me feel bad and makes me question things just to (hopefully) have somebody to go “hang out” with and make me feel good about myself. Fuck. That. Also, like I’ve said before..these fuckers only really want you when they can’t have you and because my pickme is still so ingrained and it actually holds value to me that they want me well then I have to be forever unattainable unless I come across someone whom I don’t even care if they want me or not but surely after awhile (or maybe even sooner) I will grow to love them and want them.
When on God’s green earth will I accept that value, respect and appreciation are far more valuable and substantial than attention and being “wanted”? WHEN, I ask you!?! Well, at least I’m self-aware enough to know and am making my way there. Just wish home life wasn’t so fuckin turbulent and I didn’t have to fucking run out of food and supplies so damned quickly! Seriously gonna have to consider cutting back on shit until..ion know, really. Was reading over my “petition” to the universe where I deny myself any pleasures for a full month. Thinking when I would be ready to start it and I’m thinking maybe this week since there’s barely any food in the house anyway and I can get a forced start.
Do you know I shouldn’t even be upset about blocking this little bit he probably didn’t even realize that I block him and if he did he probably didn’t even care and just thought he dodged a bullet and went onto whoever else. You know and he probably has a small pee pee, doesn’t use his mouth and for sure he wouldn’t of been able to make me come either. I should also be glad because I should take this as a sign that what I want is coming soon.
I am thisclose to fucking paying someone to at least PRETEND they love me. Huh. This is prolly EBA’s thinking as well. “You know how I love you?” He once said to me “because I give you money”. To which I replied, yet again, that money isn’t how I love. Let’s not forget the phone convo with his son about growing up how he never spent time with him but look at all the cool stuff he got him! Anyway, I think with Lilbit, maaaaybeee, he saw I wasn’t feeding into the last lovebomb message and had expressed doubts a couple times and he saw it wasn’t gonna get him anywhere and that’s when the cold started happening already unless he’s trying to play a game. You’re supposed to hook them to you before you pull the bs, btw. That intermittent reinforcement is a damn bitch, too! Especially to people pleasers with parental/caregiver issues.
Maaan, whomever had the most and influential access to me during my formative years…I hope they feel my pain and suffering as well! In the beginning of this bullshit break up crap I did everything I could to try and convince myself that this motherfucker die. That wasn’t working so what did I do? Go balls deep in the feelings and all the misery and just obsessing over him and all this other crap right? What is that doing for me? Not a goddamn thing. So I think maybe I can try and go back to pretending he’s dead again I hope. Definitely have to avoid running into him in the morning though.
Also from now on anytime one of these scrotes asks me for my number I’m gonna say “No, you give me your number and you don’t call or text me. I call or text you first”. Not no other way. I have to find a way to tell them where it doesn’t sound like I’m a control freak immersed in pain or something that they can use against me as some kind of weakness or some shit. I’ll figure it out.
So I was running around in the store this morning again salon sprinting because I want to feel good again. There was a bunch of customers over by the self check out and I was also wedding everything could you imagine a goddess barreling at you full speed? Anyway I showed up to the front all sweaty and out of breath and I was telling the coworker that I got a sprinkler I got no money for coffee and kind of lamented on how there’s no food in the house and stuff and I think that she told her guy oh she needs money like play or whatever. But let me tell you before that guy left he handed me $100 bill and I was really helpful for sure for sure I also got five dollars from another dude and now I can get some other things that we needed thank God.
Getting extremely upset about goblin again and then I realize it’s period time and it always always always no matter what without fail is the worst around. Time I even wrote his name on the inside of my left wrist where I don’t even know what reason I just wanted to check up on you help me god sake! Why is this so hard? Oh he’ll come back when I let go in the Hills I’m going to be?!
Can you know what else? I was reading on some things about how like narcissistic men 10 two like run their female partners in the ground in order to get back at their mothers or something like that? I know that he used to tell me a lot about how his mom “left him to the wolves” and “threw him under the bus” and he really displayed a lot of resentment towards her and I know that he didn’t talk to her anymore and stuff like that.
Just had a memory about when I told EBA about my worrying About him lying and fucking around and sending me messages ahead of time (in the beginning) and I told him “why not? If I had a car and money I’d be out running around and stuff” (classic projection but not without warrant). Maybe that’s why he never helped me with my license and a car (he said he had one for me but I didn’t really care). But I had been changing for the better since before I met him and he even said he saw progression unless that’s more bs lies!
Ok guys, I guess that’s it for now. Have a lovely day, love ya!