“He died in the fire, he died in the fire, he died in the fire…” I have to remember to chant this to myself when the ruminating of EBA starts up in my head. Why did he do this to us? Did he ever really love me? Does he think of me? Does he miss me? Why isn’t he trying harder? Why didn’t he try harder? etc.. I was actively into witchcraft when I “called for” this shit which I should have been more specific but I do be praying to be stronger sooo…
Anyway I never had bad intentions with crafting of the witch persuasion as much as one can. One time I had told another ex of mine, “Puto”, with great feeling that “there’s a storm comin’ your way and it’s got my name written aaaalll over it!” Lo and behold that very day a tropical storm began to form with my name but never hit landfall because I stopped being upset, lol.
Another day in mid-July of 2019 when EBA and I were still fairly new I remember sitting in the break room at work and just putting tons of energy into wishing so, so, so very bad that he hadn’t lived with his “ex” he claimed to be broken up with and had no feelings for (I know, I know!) and that afternoon he tells me their house had a fire. Now it’s very possible that it’s all coincidental but a bruja can dream..
Besides, he probably set the fire for insurance fraud for all I know. He does have a history of it. So this is around the time (5 months since starting this shit up with him) that I started to feel the energy shift in a direction I was not happy with. The effort and stuff interest began to dwindle but I thought it was just normal stuff but nothing about that shitshow was normal. Still having trouble getting over it and letting go because trauma binds got a chokehold on a bitch. I just tell myself “he died in the fire” because he might as well have.
I had a superb dancing/some drinking session on Sunday night and felt like I cleared out some bad energies in regards to the pain and disappointment that was EBA and connecting with women in the fam helped as well. So I haven’t felt as distraught over him as of late even though it’s been almost 2 years after the 1.5 year shitshow of hell! Then again I really think I need to check my hormones, too..
On that note, I know that complaining brings more things to complain about so when I go off on a tangent about this to process, clear and unload I have to also recognize the good/blessings in my life..”attitude of gratitude”..if you will.
1. My good health
2. My legs
3. My family
4. My awesome job I love
5. FDS on Reddit
6. My dancing
7. Not giving my body/energy to toxic and abusive fucktards
8. My skating skills/roller derby
9. That I haven’t seen him around
10. I don’t financially depend on anyone really (baby daddy-BD-helps with stuff but it’s his kids)
11. That I’m able to share my thoughts and feelings with you lovelies
13. Sense of humor
16. That would can have awesome and wonderful orgasms
I can’t believe this..I was gonna marry him for Odin’s sake! Why? Because I thought he’d “rescue” me? From what? I mean like he told me “I got you when you were vulnerable” and my mom was giving me a hard time and stuff so I wasn’t doing all that great when the universe decided I needed to be broken more when it sent me that piece of shit! My mom hasn’t been as much on my back since I took over all the bills to help alleviate the stress off of her and stuff. I mean she has her times she goes off but it’s not as much and I try not to take it as personal.
If I didn’t marry my BD who put up with my crap for 16 years (I was a loooot worse) and he treated me like a queen and asked a couple times then why would I marry this crusty ass, old, racist shit fuck I barely knew? Ion really even believe in the social construct of marriage, anyway. “I’ll slay all your demons, girl” he once said to me out of nowhere, eyes bore into my soul. What did he think? That’s what I wanted to hear? Well, I kinda did..but it has to come from a genuine and authentic person from a genuine and authentic place! Fucking tryna white knight me. Who would save me from him!?!
The day I stop searching for his traumatizing ass behind every “Trump” sticker, every white pickup truck with a Florida flag on the front bumper, every royal blue, long-sleeved, button down PFG shirt and every combo of gray heads covered with a cap and eyes hiding behind sunglasses even indoors is a day I will utterly cherish and I’m sure it’ll happen gradually and I’ll have my times as healing is not linear and all that good stuff.
Well, that’s all I got for now as I have to get back to work soon. I’m in the mood to smell the men, especially if they’re sweaty for some reason. Whatever. It’s probably just my period talking. Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day!