Found myself getting extremely and supremely disturbed thinking about EBA and feeling my loneliness/bordem to a great extent awhile ago, even got a touch of the TELTS (teary-eyes, lumpy throat). Thinking about in the beginning when it was very nice and refreshing from the last couple shitheads I had the misfortune of enduring. Thinking about being in love and if I will ever have that again if that even was real love…sometimes I wonder.

Dwelling, mulling and ruminating…Is it time for another dance session? Last one I had was a week and a half ago where it was an alcohol-fueled 3 hour dance fest and I hate drinking! Hate it. If I had to sit here and kill my sobriety I would do it with ouid. Dancing, imo, works very well for me in transmuting negative energy and release but I don’t get the opportunity to do it often. Ugh! I was doing so well for that week and a half not beating myself up or getting upset about this shit and his fuckery and my allowing and engaging in it!

I mean, it’s not period time but I am 43 with a history of thyroid issues and whatnot. I am very horny right now or at least I think I am. It very well may be a strong need for external validation/a bordem killer because I know that I won’t have an orgasm whomever I deem worthy of being with me. But as I have stated before I cannot feed the pickme I’m in the process of eliminating and I haven’t met anyone worth a damn. Would be nice if I could finally be with a woman like I’ve been wanting to! I’m part of a roller derby team, for Odin’s sake and I’m middle aged, how have I gone this long without experiencing the love of a woman!?

So, anyway, if I were to text this young guy to smoke and possibly fuck (I’m sure that’s what he meant when he invited me to smoke but I ain’t asking) it would be a severe set back to my level up journey and I sure af do not want to be a magnet for shit like that just to be, once again, feeling used and end up heartbroken since I have attachment issues and that’s with not having an orgasm with anyone. I only ever was able to with one guy 20 years ago (and I have been with a good amount of them and BD-babydaddy- I was with 16 years and never came) but I had to be on top and I remember fantasizing about him being a woman with a strap-on whilst I gripped his a-cups for support.

Let’s not forget that I also have to keep my energy/aura clean because you got me fucked up if you think I’m gonna sit here and allow yet another fuckboi to muck up my shit physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I believe I am an empath and pick up on energies very strongly..I be getting fucked up out of nowhere for no reason a lot of the time. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about something I wrote about in here previously regarding how I believed that EBA wanted and needed me to be some helpless, broken mess of a woman.

One of the things is how he said about paying me my little baby salary so I didn’t have to work when he barely knew me. He didn’t know I absolutely love and need to work, have been since I was 16. He said to me about how he knew my type without even barely knowing me and how I was “toxic” for him and shit. I think he even once called me an actual “mess” but claims to not have remembered and he probably said it because he was mad about something unrelated to me. But when he did call me that I remained quiet because I really didn’t think much of it.

He would tell me even if we weren’t together anymore (out of nowhere when shit was still going pretty good) he would still give me money..that was a lie. He really used money that most likely wasn’t even his as a love band aid and even said to me “you know how I love you? Because I give you money” to which I disagreed in a quiet and meek way. Love does not equal money nor happiness, it provides distraction if we’re not counting bills and necessities. I wanted his time and attention like he so seemingly effortlessly provided in the first couple of months.

As I have previously written in here that I was on a self-improvement and level up journey when this fucktard came into my life and he knew it. So he saw I was serious with asking about how we would fix my license which he said “we” would do, no matter what. I had said to him a couple of times in regards to my development that a lifetime of re-wiring is going to take awhile and to be patient and shit. He had once said to me that he wished he met me 5 years prior and then I educated him to the fact that I was a real god awful drunken whore mess and he didn’t seem to mind much and I think he even repeated it a couple times later on.

Some other things is that he saw I started to take over the mortgage payments and all the bills in my house. Spoke with him about what he thought I could do to be better, talked about personal improvement, let him know I was doing a lot of research in regards to this matter. There was a time he said to me “you’re very smart” like he was surprised. Just because I’m a single mom working as a retail cashier doesn’t mean I’m some brainless idiot that’s gonna take shit from anybody! I can advance in my job when. I’m. Ready. To!

I had also spoke with him about going to nursing school which I’m kind of changing my mind about now. I have me bachelors in medical assisting but I’ll consider that after I get my car and when. I’m. Ready. To.. ok,one time I said to him “just because I don’t ask questions and stay quiet doesn’t mean I can’t figure shit out” when he started acting up and I had seen the post CM put on FB of them together in a pic with people saying “what a cute couple”..I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so demonically ugly, tbh.

I didn’t tell him I saw the post but he knew I used to check. I told myself it was an old pic she put to make me jealous and angry..why? Who tf knows? She also posted some other shady ass shit when he had to “go out of town” for our first “holiday” together. Omggg! I remember itbb (in the beginning beginning) I expressed to him my excitement of being “with” him for the upcoming holidays when the only one I really cared about was Halloween back then almost 2 years ago.

I had also once said to him that “I’m waking up, I’m starting to see” but truly didn’t mean it in a nefarious way and then he had to get off the phone suddenly. Another thing is after we had been involved with each other and I had no life but work I told him I was going to get back to roller derby and he seemed supportive of it. Even told me no matter what I did that he would support it but if someone has to tell you something then they’re just trying to convince themselves. Then I saw he was starting his shit and acting just like the other pieces of shit so I started to make up shit and pretend to have a social life. I lied about going out with friends, co-workers, going to the company Christmas party and winning awards which I manifested nearly a year later and had even lied about going out of town to light some kind of fire under his ass!

Please explain to me why he insisted on us bonding when we first met and made me wait what seemed like forever to me (2 months) to be intimate with him. He had said to me “if you think this relationship is just about sex, you’re wrong!” with such a passion that I almost believed him. He even reminded me throughout our time together of his opinion. I have a very high libido, it was higher than his but then again he was an out-of-shape man in his early 50’s with health issues and had slight ED that I knew of.

Ok, you know what, this is long enough, I’ll post another later and thanks for reading, I love you!