Here we go again with the mulling, wish I could want to stop, wish I wanted to not care anymore and just let the whole shitshow fucking go, already! Why do I hold on so tight? Why do I feel this incessant need to torture and punish myself? I was thinking of the ways my life has improved since I berid myself of the fuming toxic masculinity that permeated off of this short uggo that hates himself..
1. Signed up for my 410k at my job that is already coming in handy for me.
2. Invested in stocks.
3. Almost didn’t get my tax return (big-ass amount) because of student loans but I got it due to the ‘Rona and it prompted me to get on a payment plan for the loans.
4. Fixing my license by myself.
5. Got the stimulus checks so I didn’t feel like I had to ask him for help with shit.
6. Received early child tax credit which I desperately needed to feel like a normal person even just a little bit.
7. Received maximum food stamps so once again I didn’t feel like I needed to ask him for shit but by that time I wasn’t talking to him anymore but still..
8. Won a good amount off of a scratch off with my birthday as the winning numbers.
9. Opened up a bank account.
10. Took over all the bills in my house and the mortgage and everything (I never lived with him but he used to help me out a whoooole lot with money that I don’t even think half of it was his, tbh).
11. Actually kept to myself and staying celibate and not entertaining just any old monkey in the circus.
12. Not drinking heavily, no relapsing into destitutional alcoholism.
13. Going to get notary and actual license after the holidays.
14. Manifested awards and high recognition and praise at work.
15. Not having holidays and special occasions absolutely decimated.
Omggg, I spoke already in my first post the absolute fuckery of having to spend my first (and only) birthday with this supreme asshole from hell! I never really cared much for my birthday for many a reason until EBA and his lovebombing. So because I thought what he was doing in the beginning with all the attention, money and the stupid, ugly bracelet I didn’t even want was the real thing (his “love” for me) I expected to have a nice enough birthday. I told him all I wanted was to just have a ROWDY day where I ride around with him to job sites and just spend time with him. No fancy eating or jewelries or anything spectacular..maybe some butthole licking for me..nbd, right?
Well, the whole week of my birthday he basically shit on after I did the best I could on barely any income and not easy to get around to stores to make him a nice birthday. Ok? Day of my birthday I had to pull a “happy birthday” out of him and like the day before he said in a very mean way that he wasn’t coming to get me day of my birthday to which I was just hoping he had forgotten. The day after when we were supposed to spend a nice time together he angrily tells me his son sprung some court shit on him last minute and he doesn’t think our day would be that long.
You know what I’m thinking..so we ride around and I give him a late birthday (his) present of a custom made hat he seemed to like enough but I never saw him wear it or use any of the little things I managed to get him. So, I’m in the truck a lot and he’s doing his office meetings and stuff. I guess I should be glad he gave me some money but it wasn’t any more than what he usually gave me monthly and I used it in groceries and some stuff for my daughter’s birthday and I had to go in the store by myself and feel rushed.
So I come back out and see him talking to some woman and I’m just standing there scowling and he bellows “get the fuck in the truck!” Then I hurriedly get in and he says she was asking for blood donations (I still believe this) so he’s driving and bitching and I’m thinking if I wanted this abuse I would have stayed home and took it from my mom but at least I’d be getting my butthole licked, right? Ha.
So he’s bitching and driving and calls me “narcissistic”..ok, I could see where he’s coming from and I have to admit that I may have some of those tendencies but a full blown personality disorder? Boo-boo, that’s you! Anyway, he takes me home early which I didn’t even wanna be there and I try and get the groceries out as fast as I can and he seemed to have felt bad enough but not too much, god forbid. He never came to lick my butthole which I associated with “love” but at least he called me to tell me so I could hear his voice rejecting me on a personal level.
Reliving this I’m almost TELTing again but I was getting upset and self deprecating and angry af earlier at my register, my eyes darting to every royal blue long sleeve I saw..every white pick up truck..every silver head..wish I didn’t care, for real! Told my mom if it wasn’t him it would be someone else and I said this whilst in love with this righteous asshole from literal hell!!
The thing about the jewelry is that we thoroughlydiscussed what I wanted because he asked and I was very specific about what I wanted. A week or so later he sends me a pic of a Pandora bag and I’m thinking it’s what I have always wanted but didn’t think I could get myself. Please tell me why it’s the complete opposite of what we discussed. It was nice enough but that’s because I wasn’t used to the lovebombing and never had anyone buy me jewelry, not even my baby daddy but that’s because we were raising children and paying bills.
What kind of manipulative shit is that anyway? That ugly ass bracelet he made such a big deal about is at the bottom of the canal as we speak and the jewelry I wanted is resting beautifully on my neck brought to you by me. So now when my fucking birthday comes around I make it a damn point to spoil myself and this last one I got my diamonique tennis bracelet myself. So I’m sure between the gold name necklace and my bracelet I have spent double what he did with that shitty fucking bracelet I hated! Ugly ass clunky and gaudy shit getting in the way of my push-ups!
Ugh! I have so much unadulterated rage on the purest level of Hades’ inner circle of all hellfire! Am I sure it’s not period time? Lol. Joke’s on me sometimes I get two periods a month or even all month long if I’m a lucky duck! Alright, dudes..that’s enough for now I think. Once again thanks for reading and I love you!