Well, after my last entry I went into the bathroom and cried my ever loving guts out. Through clenched fists and teeth and eyes shut tighter than Fort Knox I prayed with every piece of energy and pain I had. “Let him suffer. Let him sufferrrr..” I came back out to a raging storm out side I had to bike home in. It’s fine, I rather it got me on the way home than on the way to work.

Witchcraft..I have always been drawn to it and there is a family history of it on the maternal side as far as I know. I really only started to actively practice about 3-4 maybe 5 years ago. There are some instances that stick out to me at this time. I remember one time I told another piece of shit ex of mine we shall call “puto”, I said to him “there’s a big storm coming your way and it’s got my name written all over it!” I never talk like that but something made me and I was drinking at the time. So as it turns out the very day I said it there was a tropical storm brewing with my name! It never made landfall because I stopped being pissed I guess, lol. That same day I spoke into existence a couple of other small things.

Some other very weird and unexplained situations and happenings with him and lightning and mind-reading stuff. I had a lot of mind-reading with EBA as well and a whole hell of a lot of synchronicities. He knew I was actively practicing and even joked about my having a crystal ball. I know when I unwittingly manifested this creep-o I would listen to “You Got It All” by The Jets on repeat and I mean RE-PEAT. One day when things were still very, very nice or maybe it was just a nice day with him because he didn’t have me all fucked up yet, we were at some random restaurant and then he asked me “did you really call for me?” and right then and there that song played out of the ethers and it’s a very, very old song I never hear out in the wild. The lyrics were how I felt about him at the time. Well, same way I called for him I can uncall for him and that I did by praying and begging with every last inch of my soul for protection and peace.

One other time in the beginning when he was still hiding most of his fuckery, I was in the break room at work and I felt with all of my energy and being how much I wish so, so, soooo bad that he didn’t live with CM. I was putting a lot of thought energy into it and then he texts me later on to tell me his mudding truck caught on fire and spread to a good portion of the house..too bad it didn’t do the whole world and himself a favor and get his stankin’ ass! Yes, I could contribute all this to coincidence but where’s the fun in that? I haven’t been actively practicing as of late like starting around August because I was spiraling into a deep and dark depression and was calling out of work a whole lot which is concerning because this is my happy place and people are nice to me here and I keep busy and make bank.

I don’t know if the depression made me not really care about actively practicing (I say “actively” practicing because I believe with some things that have been happening that I’m passively practicing without meaning to) but it’s just as well because maybe I shouldn’t be practicing whilst in a dark state such as this. “This” because I still have the depressions and the anxiety as well. I have so much anger and rage it’s unfathomable..I wanna say it’s because of what transpired between EBA and I and it is to an extent. My mom told me that maybe everyday worries about living in this society and things of that nature is what is really causing it and I just need to/it’s easier to place blame on him. 

I put my fair share of blame on myself for entertaining that shit when I knew better and had gut feelings and bodily reactions to the underlying fuckery that I was blinding myself to but I held out so, so very much hope and just prayed to every known being that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could be wanted, loved and adored on a genuine level but the consistency? He didn’t provide that for very long. I never really felt safe or secure with him, anyway. Just hoped and prayed..wanted real love and it looked like he may have been able to give that to me the way I felt was acceptable for a hot minute there. Of course when he started to pull away and completely do a 180 on how good he was to me I kept blaming myself (still do sometimes). What did I do wrong and how can I fix it and get him to treat me how he was treating me in the beginning? How do I get THAT guy back? Every resource I run this by says that it’s most likely the lovebombing and him securing his mask to get me hooked to him and how he was in the end is how he really is.

He did say to me “my relationships don’t last” when he had me bathed in love hormones, of course. Why did I think I would be immune? Ugh! One of his co-workers came into my job and called him. “Lover boy” when I asked if he knew him so I could give him a note to give to him. On the note I wrote: “if you don’t leave me alone, I’m getting a restraining order” and kissed the bottom with lipstick. The dude read it and asked if he came in to bother after I told him about EBA sitting in the parking lot to which I replied “he doesn’t have the balls to” and I PRAY that was relayed to him! I haven’t seen him stalking me at work since I sent that note off and it pisses me off that it didn’t prompt him to come talk to me and/or try harder!

It used to drown my baby hamsters when he’d just drive by or sit and watch from the parking lot and not come in and hide behind the stack of buckets like a normal person or even try to talk to me! Why do I still feel like I want him to come try to talk to me? What would he even say? Would I believe any of what he would spittle out of his head, anyway? I never really and fully 100% believed anything he said to me even in the beginning.

I just thought it was because of my past traumas and insecurities but maybe I was picking up on his shady character, too. “I’ll come back for you when the time is right” he once told me after the very first time I hadn’t heard from him for a very long time (2 weeks at the time after I saw the 2020 new years’ post CM put on FB) “just give me 10 years” he told me..I thought he meant for us to still be together and give him 10 years but now I don’t think that’s what he meant. So, yeah..I don’t know what this shit is of wanting to see and talk to him again when I know it’s better for me to not be subjected to his manipulation and abuse..addictions and trauma bonds and bordem, I guess..if I had someone else to “play” with I wouldn’t even be thinking of him as much, tbh. Shit hurts..

Ok, that’s it for now, on the next episode I get into how he basically forced me to block him, his subsequent stalking and the last time we communicated with each other. As always, thanks for reading and I love you!