Let’s start with when I first gave him my phone number and it took my getting hickeys from a guy I was messing with before he used it. He would come in to my job to visit with me before he texted or ever called me, we even sat in his truck during my lunch just to talk. He had told me after we got together that he fought himself like utter hell to not pursue me like, What? I’m some kind of forbidden fetish? Is it that he was still in a relationship and was cheating? Well I guess it’s a damn good thing I got rid of him, huh? I should thank my lucky stars If I never see him again. Anyway, I have no filter so when I met this guy I pretty much trauma dumped all over his face, held nothing back and he knew everything about my life. I may as well have handed him the playbook to my pain which was suuuuch a smart move /s.
I had expressed my interest in weekly fuckings to him not necessarily with him per se but just in general. It’s safe to say that I have a much higher libido than he did and I don’t know if a lot has to do with hormones, upbringings, traumas and a whole soup of circumstances. Another factor is that he was in his early 50s, had health issues and didn’t take care of himself so it wasn’t easy for him to get and maintain erections even around me. I mean I could really care less since he ate a whole bunch of pussy and it’s all about the clit anyway, right? Still never made me cum no matter how hard he tried but it was for his own ego and not so much for my pleasure.
He did this weird motorboating thing with his mouth on my clit which is nice and different and all but I don’t even use vibrators and that’s not how I’ve been pleasing myself for 27 years. You would think that he would want to learn how to do it the way I am acclitmated to if he wanted me to cum so damn bad! Please keep in mind the timeframe that I am referring to at this moment that I was a major huge pickme. So as we were getting to know each other and stuff it really seemed like he made me wait a very long time to have sex. I would say about 2 months since we met which I know should be about 3 to 6. I mean I always knew, I just didn’t care but I sure do now!
He is sitting there talking to me and telling me that we should bond more first and that after we have sex it would get way more intense and I didn’t know if he meant for me or for him. Probably for him since I never got to orgasm even though he really thought he could make me, I mean he really, really tried but like I said, in his way. I don’t know if he really meant that or that maybe he was trying to manipulate me into being hooked to him, thinking it’s what I wanted to hear or maybe he wanted me to think that’s what he thought. Just like he’s talking about me being “wife material” and he barely even knew me. Thinking that just because I’m a woman marriage is the first and foremost thing on my mind. I already have my children and I’ve been with my baby daddy for 16 years (he asked me a couple times to marry him and I wasn’t feeling it) I know what that life is like and I don’t wanna go back.
I don’t know why I thought I was going to marry him and be happy about it. Probably because I thought that he was going to rescue me from my mother whom he is almost exactly like, paging Dr. Freud! Even after a while when I saw he was starting to be an asshole I thought that it was OK and that I can deal with living with him in Georgia as long as I get some lovin’ out of it. LMAO! Yeah, right.. he is the KING of withholding affection as punishment. If he even THINKS you did anything “wrong” like have boundaries, standards and/or hold him accountable for his bullshit you get nolove and maybe even some silent treatment to sweeten the deal. He’s even told me before that “good girls get rewarded” like I’m some kind of fucking dog.
Oh, let’s be careful with that analogy as he has admitted to me on various occasions that he prefers dogs because “you can kick them around and treat them like shit and they’ll never leave and they’ll never cheat.” The outright audacity.. but I digress. So not only was I a big time pickme I was also a giant-ass people pleaser. I even told him this…what a stupid thing to do. I love everything about sex I think about it all the time and I’m down for whatever, whenever. He told me the women he used to be with would often ask him annoyed if he was done yet (if that was even true) but I was the complete opposite of that. I love to do everything and I mean everything,ok?
I was always in the mood and always ready to go so he had no reason to withhold sex unless he was punishing me or he just gets off on non-consent. He had even once said to me that I should tell him “no” more often. Yeah, yeah, yeah. guys like the chase and all that but I thought sex was how you showed love plus I was bored and “needed” the validation. It’s funny, for someone who likes and thinks about sex so much, I never fucking have an orgasm from it and don’t start with that “you just haven’t found the right guy”. So ALL those guys I was with, ALL were that bad, huh?
There was a good amount of them, too and a lot of them tried the best they could and god knows I tried on top of them as well. One of them I lived with for 16 years and he has seen 3 of his children come forth into the world through my portal and I couldn’t cum with him, either! After awhile with EBA it felt like I was begging and chasing no matter how much I left him alone and waited for him to initiate. Sex was a big subject I talked about and always felt like asking when we would have a session again more towards the end which highly contributed to our separation.
Of course in the beginning times he would text me my “good morning”’s, something in the afternoon and then I would get my “tell-me-you-got-home-safe good night”’s. This is after the relationship was a little bit more established. The first 4 months he would come see me every single day and I even said that he shouldn’t come see me that often. The very first day that he couldn’t come see me was at the end of June (4 months out) just before the housefire and by then I was starting to panic even more and really feeling unsafe and insecure in regards to him. He knows what it means to me to hear from him on a regular basis and this was before I knew I had an anxious attachment style (from what I gather he’s avoidant or just a raging sociopathic and narcissistic asshole).
After our first major fight in December 2020 when I saw that stupid post but I didn’t tell him but we still fought about it, I’m sure he knew, is when he started to slack on the communication with me. I would even go a week or so without hearing from him and that never happened before so it catapulted me into panic mode. He told me he was trying to teach me..teach me what? To hate men? I thought I could handle it at first but after a while it was physically affecting me and making me very, very sick.
I didn’t like the feelings that he was causing me and the little bit of money he was giving me wasn’t worth the absolute emotional turmoil that I was being wrung through. So in May 2020 is when shit really started to go downhill and it was just a little bit after Mother’s Day. I got a little tipsy on wine and couldn’t take it anymore. I told him off through text since he didn’t answer his phone after a certain time of night because he claimed to be sleeping and then I blocked him.
It took 4 months which was 2 weeks after my birthday before I first saw him drive by the garden center of my job staring at me through tinted windows but I knew it was him. The Trump paraphernalia all over the truck as if he was personally hand-picked to participate in the Orange Man circus gave it away. The chemical reaction that I got was off the charts..I was shaking so very badly and my heart was pounding through my chest and I didn’t know if that meant it was a good thing although I don’t see how or I should be scared (or wary of him) even though I’m not scared of him at all.
All I know is that I didn’t like the feeling and it was as if I had my anxiety cranked to 10000. For the next couple of months he would drive by and watch me and sometimes, just to further torture me and keep me from getting over him and reminding me of his unfortunate existence, he would sit in the parking lot and stare at me for periods of time. I didn’t like that he just sat out in the parking lot and didn’t come in and talk to me that really pissed me off.
In January I saw him drive-by one busy Sunday afternoon and I went to unblock him to ask him what he wanted and before I could say anything he had started to text first and here’s what happened:
EBA: I got my eye on you still, girl. I’ve been watching you the last couple weeks from a distance (it was about 4 months at that time) I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I will make it up to you just give me some time (sounds like a confession to cheating) I also don’t wanna cause you any more trouble so if you don’t speak to me. It’s well deserved.
I wasn’t gonna answer like at all But after an hour I couldn’t help myself..
ME: what do you need more time for?
EBA: I still got too many obstacles. I couldn’t help myself anymore after weeks of watching you at work. I had to make some type of contact with you. I don’t know if it’s a good idea because I don’t want to give you false hope (that’s all he’s been doing for as long as I’ve known him)sorry if it’s a bad idea.
ME: obstacles like what? Hooking a new victim? I have no false hope. I’m not even the same person at all. You told me I would never change but I was changing since I met you. I have obstacles too, you know, but I always prioritized you and I take some blame b/c I gave you the gun to shoot me with. So whatever, a real man would get out and talk to me to my face. Have a good day, *his name instead of “daddy”*
EBA: you have toughened up. That’s good, that’s what I expected. I don’t need another victim (woooooow…) remember I also thought of you as my friend and yes, I did something terrible to you (there it is again!) and I’m sorry and I know sorry isn’t good enough and I should have spoke to you like a man for that I am guilty of, I have no excuses. But thank you, your text answered my question. Stay strong and I’m proud of you regardless what you think and please don’t let this ruin your day. (WOOOOOOOW)
ME: (rolling my eyes) I am very disappointed that you led me on so much, I knew I should not have ever trusted you. I was right and you can’t ruin my day, you don’t have that much power. Im always happy at work, remember? (He knows I get tons of attention and hit on all day every day)
EBA: I wasn’t leading you on (the lovebombing and the future-faking was off the friggin charts! He was the one who said he wanted to marry me, and “more than adored” me, ok!?!) but in a way that’s what it looks like (his claims of mentally unraveling after our Dec. fight are looking pretty true) I did, it’s ok. Im sorry once again I just wanted to make some type of contact so I can get closure on it (I’mthe one that needs it! Also I know he’s just throwing out his shitty line to see if I’ll still bite) and now I know how you feel and with every right. It’s all good, it’s very well deserved. Thank you for clearing the air. Have a great day, *my name instead of “pumpkin”!! 🤬🤬🤬).
ME: you will never know how I feel and you should give yourself your own closure. You don’t need to involve other people in the circus going on in your head.
EBA: you’re absolutely correct, wasn’t trying to make closure on your end. I know you’re over it ( I wish!! Even almost 2 years later am very, very far from “over it”) I’m trying to put closure on it on my end (he’s the one that pushed me to block him! He knew what he was doing) and you’ve done it. Thank you and stay strong. This is what I expected of you, (the whole “everything I do with you is for a reason” quickly sprang to mind) I’m proud of you I didn’t mean to do what I did to you (still did it, tho!) trust me, I just want you to know that (doesn’t make anything better at all in any way, shape or form) and less of a man that I always spoke about (??) so you keep moving forward be strong like you’ve already shown me I feel a lot better now (I don’t, I feel a million times worse!) that I know you are strong, mentally fit and moving on with your life (I. Don’t. Have. A. Choice!!!)like I knew you would
ME: I’m over it (still not, don’t think I ever will be!) b/c you left me no choice. YOU did this (just noticed there was no “I love you”’s or “I miss you”’s within this interaction) I absolutely loved you I HAVE to be over it b/c I have a whole house to take care of and I need to concentrate on finding lawyers and surgeons (he didn’t ask why). Im not as crazy as you thought I was (still stand by the belief that he wanted a manic pixie dream girl to help him forget about himself).
EBA: never thought you were crazy. I knew you were fragile b/c of your stressful lifestyle with being the only one everyone depends on. Like I said, there are no excuses for what I’ve done (he really makes it sound like he fucked my sister or some shit!) just keep doing what you’re doing. Stay strong and I’m proud of you. You’re a strong woman, I’ve always said that and I’m sorry to ruin your day (I think he wanted to for an ego boost at this point!).
M: you didn’t, this was actually fun.
EBA: just keep going on and make like we never made contact (I’m re-reading this almost a year later with tears in my eyes and it STILL PISSES ME OFF!!).
M: no problem
EBA: see? Nice blunt tough answer. I always knew you were a lion, one more question I have, were you giving me the finger today when I passed by?
ME: I’m a lady and ladies don’t flip birds (he was big on the “lady” shit, probably because he wishes he were one!)
EBA: you are right and I am proud of you. I’m glad you’re thinking along those lines so my time with you wasn’t all bad. At least you can think about you are twice as strong now as you were before you met me.
M: whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.
Then I re-blocked and he still stalked after that for like 4-5 more months until I sent that note off with his co-worker.
I’ve threatened him with a restraining order before and I didn’t think he really seemed like the type to back off even if he is under multiple investigations and stuff. I have told him in the past, when it was still good, that a real man will kick down my door and drag me out by my hair and claim me. Don’t mind me I’ve always considered movies like “Natural Born Killers”, “Dracula” and “Sid and Nancy” to be romantic in nature.
I have threatened him with a restraining order over the phone one other time but he didn’t stop he only stopped after I sent a note off with one of his coworkers. I wonder if he’s mad at me that’s why he’s not trying to talk to me but why would he be mad at me? Was it because I cursed him out and dared to block him like a common fuckboi? if he doesn’t want to get treated like a common fuckboi then he shouldn’t act like one!
I’m trying to figure out if he’s staying away from me because he’s actually respecting my boundaries or it’s a form of punishment because it sure damn feels like it. Then I have to remember that being in a relationship with him and his true self when he’s not lovebombing and pretending is more of a punishment than anything! I remember after our December fight I said to him that “I have boundaries, now” and he whispered back to me “boundariessss”..I can almost hear the hiss!
Now I have the daunting task of trying to convince myself that stalking is abusive and not romantic. I begrudgingly continue to entertain the thought of him keeping his eye on me one way or another wether it be from afar and/or through flying monkeys and I have to ask myself and pontificate as to why I would want that? Like I said, 43 years of re-parenting, re-conditioning and re-wiring so it’s a good thing I am single and not getting caught up in the chemistry of fuck.
Ok, thanks for reading and hope your day goes well. Get some lovin’ for me. I love you!