I would really like to believe that he wasn’t some kind of narcissistic sociopathic asshole that gets off on abusing and mistreating women just because he’s got some kind of chip on his shoulder for being such an ugly, fat, short, bug-eyed little toad that needs to use his “ex” girlfriends money to impress people. I would like to believe that all the nice things that he said and did in the beginning were real and that he really meant all of it. I would like to believe that he just got too scared and old unhealed wounds opened up and he was re-traumatized by how much love I was making him feel.
Remember, he’s not used to people being so nice to him and he even said “scary” when it came to how much he loved me..I mean of course I always entertain the thought of a man lying to me but still. He’s a (now) 53 year old man and still running around a hurt little boy and causing a ruckus in the hearts of those trying to love him. I am very understanding and open-minded and I could have worked with him the best I could but the mistreatment, disrespect, his hateful energy and racism is no deal.
How can you be a racist and have so much hate and try and tell me I’m your girl and that you’ll marry me? I am mixed with Puerto Rican and Filipino. Yes, I may be a “white girl” but I got the islands in my blood. The very second he told me he was racist and that he “used to” solicit the services of call girls..I should have just dipped the fuck out! That’s how bad of a place I was in when he found me… he told me “ I got you when you were vulnerable”, but within the context with which it was spoken as well as what my ears wanted to hear I took it as him looking out for me and trying to protect me.
He said I was “too nice” and that I can be easily taken advantage of and stuff like that. I didn’t think he would be one of them. That motherfucker put on a good ass show, for real! The horrible part about all of this is that I’m over here alone with nobody to distract myself with or to exchange energies, if you will. I am most definitely not used to being single or not being in some kind of relationship and it’s very, very hard. I get to think about him probably off tricking and manipulating some other poor soul into loving him and feeding off of their energy. He could also be using hookers to make himself feel better and good about himself and all that bullshit while I’m over here fucking suffering to all hell when it comes to him and my lack of love life. I wonder if he thinks the same about me having a fuck-fest. When I met him and I believe he asked what’s the longest I had ever been single and I said I never went more than 3 months all proud like it was a good thing which I thought it was but now I’m reconsidering even though 🎶my loneliness is killing me🎶.
“You know what consumes me about you?” He posed the question to me in the truck one day. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thinks that I would just go off into a car in a parking lot with somebody and suck them off. I’m sorry but I was in a relationship with him and I wouldn’t even dream of it. I was in the process of leveling up and evolving and killing my pickme so I don’t know why he would even say that. He was probably projecting so we should just call him “IMAX”. It could very well have had something to do with the fact that I had a high sex drive and that he couldn’t make me cum. It doesn’t mean I would’ve just ran off with anybody I was all about his stankin ass and his stankin ass only! That was part of the problem I should always keep my way tf options open and it’s what I’m going to do from now on no matter what.
When will this incessant and intrusive longing and searching end already? It is a soul crushing an unbearable pain on my psyche and spirit. What is this great hunger to preoccupy myself with another person outside of my being? Where is this coming from? I wish I could just go to therapy already. I have a full-time job that I love, I go to Roller derby practice I do arts and crafts, drawing, writing and creative things. I have my kids and fam as well as little goals that I’m working towards and I got my skating. What is this obsession with entangling my whole entire being and worrying about misogynistic, closeted-gay fucktards that get hard from hurting me/women in general? Why do I feel like I need their approval when they don’t even approve of their own damn selves!?
Are my daddy issues that deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can’t even function like a normal person? Daddies leave, Daddies hurt you, Daddies aren’t always available, Daddies are human and I can’t sit here looking to have all my problems solved and have someone fill a Daddy-shaped hole with security, contentment, love and fulfillment especially an abusive one that claimed to “need healing, too”. I have to be my own Daddy! Huh. We used to refer to EBA as “Daddy” in and out of the bedroom. I remember when we first started talking and he said to me “you don’t wanna make daddy mad, do you?” He barely even knew me but boooyyyy if that didn’t get my pants tingling I don’t even know what! Such a great salesman telling people what they wanna hear with his sweet-talking lies. There’s a special place in hell for people like him and I hope and desperately pray that I bear witness to his burning and suffering!!
Ok, I think that’s enough for now, once again..thanks and I love you! 😘❤️