I wasn’t feeling too bad about EBA this morning but I caught myself trying to as if it were crucial to maintaining emotionally turbulent homeostasis. I told myself that I would not get upset about him or the whole shitshow after receiving the massive ass blessing that I got on Thanksgiving day. It was a very stark reminder that I am always looked out for and taken care of by this beautiful universe. There is no reason for me to continue being upset by this motherfucker unless it’s just the withdrawal of the “love hormones” and a nice, big, fat steaming trauma bond that I have to will myself to want to break.
I can’t understand how I’m still going through withdrawl when the last time I even touched him was almost two years ago. I’m sure if I would’ve been trauma broken or over it by now if he wouldn’t of been driving by stalking me for almost a year after I blocked him. So if you wanna get technical it’s been four months since I’ve seen him trying to (visibly) stalk me.
I did cross paths with him on 3 separate occasions when I was late for work and I was telling myself I will never go that route or be that late again ever. In the art of practicing self-love this is something that I must stick to because seeing him always throws me down a spiraling rabbit hole of despair.
On that note I was mulling over what I could’ve possibly done wrong for him to start treating me the garbage way that he did. I did the very best I could the only way that I knew how. I was a good and compliant girl I didn’t go and cheat on him I didn’t even really think about it as it was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn’t exchange phone numbers or anything like that with other people and I work in a hardware store and get hit on constantly. I also didn’t get drunk and tell him what I really thought about him. Most importantly I didn’t go and talk to his ex CM when I very easily could’ve (and very much wanted to) since I found her through FB.
I didn’t go driving by their house like he had accused me of on many occasions even though I don’t have a car and even went as far as to say that I want in an Uber..who the hell has the time and the money for that? He was the one that was stalking…there he goes projecting again. The only thing that I can think that I did wrong and I said this before was when I started to match his shit energy because I had told him if I felt him pulling away that I would pull away 1000 times more.
One time we were on the phone I forgot what we were discussing but I had said to him that I was reacting off of him for something that was him being a shit of course. I tried not to ask him too much about when the hell we would spend some quality time together again whereas in the before times he would come see me everyday. I also tried with every ounce of my being I could muster to refrain from asking if he was ever going to do any of the things that he said he would do in the beginning of course.
So what did I do wrong? Hold him accountable to his bullshit and match his energy pretty much. He said I became negative towards the end but that was because of his mistreatment and disrespect towards me, it was reactive abuse and he would even tell me sometimes to “get mad, blow a gasket..” I know it would be ideal to not let other people’s actions or lack thereof dictate our actions and feelings but it proves extremely difficult.
It doesn’t help that he was going out of his way to do the things that he knew damn well would cause me massive amounts of anxiety, discomfort and hellish pain. Trying to teach me…teach me what? Not to trust anyone ever again? To hate men? (I adore men, just not how the majority has treated me) Who the hell does he think he is anyway? Talk about a superiority complex. What the hell did I do so wrong? Love him too much? Apparently so.
What? Was I too needy? He didn’t seem to have any kind of problem with it in the beginning he even kind of bragged about it to one of his friends. He said to me “I know what I’m getting my hands into..” in regards to me, whatever the hell that meant. I would prefer to not think of it as “needy”, just unmet needs. I told him from the jump that I love hard. Sometimes I think he used this against me he even once said does he think he targeted me (my words) because I loved hard as it was not the case, so he said.
What? Was he mad that he couldn’t make me cum and that I didn’t fake it? Too bad..try harder and try the right way. Maybe I’m just too beautiful and awesome for him, personally, he did say that I was “too much woman for this world”. This I choose to believe that he meant. Because it is the truth…I mean I do get 2 periods a month sometimes so I’m too much woman for my own damn self! Lol
It really seems as though he was the last one I’d love like I did. I even said to my mom he was the end of the line and he even said it about me once on his own accord. But for real, I seriously and honestly, with my entire soul and being, most definitely think and feel as though I will never allow myself to be swept up, caught up and playing along to the lovebombing/futurefaking disguised as “love”. I will never, ever, ever , everrrrr go through that or feel that ever again if I could help it at all.
Yeah, no more butterflies or love or whatever the hell “romantic”shit he did manage to muster up. I feel like that was the last time I would ever have that or anything close to it again and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s a good or bad thing. You know it has been said through many reliable sources that butterflies aren’t necessarily a good thing but a warning system to stay away,rather.
I should be glad to never have to go through that again especially if it’s all gonna end the same like the last couple of ugly and abusive fucks did. Wow. I really hope I enjoyed it while it was happening the best to my ability. Even if I was always wondering what the catch was or when the other boot would drop.
This is fucking sad and it’s making me feel hopeless and destitute.. ugh! I just had a random memory of when we had a bad rat problem at my house awhile back. We had done all we could to get the rat issue under control and then EBA starts showing up around there and they disappeared. Haven’t had any problems or seen any since..funny how even his own kind doesn’t wanna be around him, lol.
Having a cat helps, too. That’s a little manifestation story for another time, I think I’ve ranted enough, gonna go enjoy my blessings and I hope you do, too. Thanks for reading, I love you!