I know with my brain that I should be focusing on my own self and my own life and fixing what needs to be fixed. I’m doing this and I’m trying the best that I can as much as I can to stay busy and productive and to self improve. Tell that shit to my heart..or is it my ego..or both..? There’s something about this brooding, though.. I must think it’s part of my identity or gives me my writer’s edge or whatever the hell it is. I just can’t seem to get rid of it I think it may very well be severely ingrained into my neurological pathways.

Hmph. “Writer’s edge”, how funny.. it’s not like I’m really all that great at it or have ever been published or anything. I just know that I love to do it and I can’t stop doing it and I’ve been doing it since I was eight. I have gotten accolades and recognition here and there for my writings but nothing that serious. My mom says that I like to wallow and have something to be upset about but I don’t think it’s a liking to wallow as much as it is some kind of macabre addiction to pain, darkness and torture.

After that supremely awesome blessing that I got on Thanksgiving morning and told myself that I was not allowed to be upset guess what I did? I got upset. I cried my ever loving eyes out yesterday in the bathroom at work, my happy place, and I’m TELTing again today. When the hell does it end? My mom says I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about him if I had someone else to consume my thought energy. I completely agree with her as I have said this to her before but I don’t wanna have to feel like I need someone else consuming my thought energy I would prefer if I didn’t have anyone involved and just gave it to myself but I don’t. Know. How.

I wish I knew how to be alone and be to myself whatever the hell this problem I’m having with obsessing over fucktards. I am sure that therapy and medication would assist greatly in my trajectory to awesomeness. It would also help me if I can get whatever therapist I see to get on board with helping me get a weed card. Maybe at the end of this year I’m going to pay some money on the doctor and go get some referrals and stuff. Ever since as long as I could remember I have my mom drilling into my head that therapy and medications were not optional and was to be avoided at all costs. I will work on changing it because obviously I need help.

Why does it bother me so much thinking that I will never see him again? Just typing that out has me almost crying and producing great pains in my heart. Like I have said multiple times before I should be exuberantly grateful to never have to be subjected to his abuse, mistreatment and disrespect ever again. I mean, he could be some kind of gay pedo for all I know and I have children! I can only imagine the hell he would have put us through if we ended up living with him and his “I run a very, very tight ship” ass. Laughter and joy would probably be banned and I already kinda live with that in a way although not as bad as before. Around the time I first met him he had asked about meeting my kids and I said “why? Are you some kind of pedo?” then he tells me “I wouldn’t tell you if I was one”.

But yeah, it’s very hard for me to accept that he’s not coming to try to talk to me (what a Segue, huh?), to beg after me, to show actual and genuine remorse and sorrow over the loss of me. It’s not like I can be happy in a relationship with him so I know this is just my ego being a little bitch, ok? If ego is so damn concerned with “winning” then it shouldn’t let ANY of this stupid and expired crap bother it, if it wants to “win” then it shouldn’t be concerned with someone I made an exception for and wasn’t even attracted to in the first place. 

Even when he first told me his stupid, boring , TOO common name I was just..I don’t know how to explain it but the combination of his name and ethnicity reveal was a huge let down. I like a certain type of guy and the only thing I was really attracted to was his assholery because I was used to it and it felt familiar.

The assholery got much, much worse and then it was starting to come my way more and more for no good reason and I was just like “hell, no” but was/am still hoping that he tries to come back for me and I have to figure out the “why” of it! Ugh! Now when it (new relationships) feels “familiar” or I look forward to seeing them or smile when I think of them or see their texts if that ever happens (new rule: no texting, only personal visits and phone convos..texting makes me too crazy) then I know to cut it off immediately! 

I really do not like the way that I feel emotionally about 93.5% of the time. The last time that I was emotionally satisfied for the most part was when I was in the beginning of the relationship with that fucking bastard and in love with who he pretended to be. I love being in lovve and could very well have an addiction to it and don’t think that I haven’t been googling shit out of it. 

Do you know it’s funny when I used to get this horribly upset my appetite would cease to exist and now its the complete opposite. I just wish I could get the lack-of-appetite-sadness back. I just don’t want my hair, skin, tits and ass to suffer but it would also be nice to fit into cute clothes that are more cost efficient. I realize I talk about that demon fuck bitch on here a great deal but don’t worry I will dive into the eating disorders, addictions and lesbianism that I haven’t gotten to participate in yet soon enough.

All right I think I’ve gone on long enough thanks again for reading, guys. I love you.