Today is the 6th day of the 12th month in the year of 2021. I’m back to work on Monday after a weekend of smoking some weed and spoiling my mom for her birthday which I did a very good job of without any help from a crusty old man that lives to emotionally torture everyone in his path. I don’t feel as upset or angry about him today I feel more of an eerie calm for some reason. I don’t know why I feel like I’m gonna see him or he’s gonna talk to me I mean, I’m feeling him something strong today. I felt this before (but not as strong as this) and he never came or contacted. Although sometimes when I did feel like this he would show up stalking me. Alas, he would just sit in the truck and stare but not come talk to me and I think that he knows I want him to and that’s why he’s not, maybe?

I don’t know why and I can’t really explain this but as of this writing he is unblocked on the phone. It’s not like I’m gonna sit here and initiate contact and maybe not even answer him if he does happen to miraculously message me out of nowhere. I have decided instead of trying to fight the thoughts and feelings about him and what happened I’m just gonna go all balls in until I’m sick and tired and just bored of the whole debacle. I have to bore myself of it so Odin only knows what that entails. 

So what I’m gonna do now is make a list of the good things about not being involved with this douche:

* Not being actively subjected to his ungodly abuse (only passively because I’m doing it to myself by re-hashing and ruminating).

* Not standing next to such a short, ugly, mean racist fuck who relentlessly yammers on and on to complete strangers in public.

* Not worrying and utterly agonizing over whether someone who doesn’t even love themselves loves me.

* Not being triangulated with exes, dogs and prostitutes.

* Not having to whip myself into a whirlwind of anxiety and pain wondering why he started to act the way he did towards me, what did I do so “wrong” and when he’ll start acting/treating me the way he did in the beginning.

* Not worrying and torturing myself with blame (to a very, very much stronger degree than I’m already still doing) and when the fuck he would do any of the things he said he’d do.

* I got tf out when I did (year and a half) and didn’t waste anymore time being in the presence of his hateful shit energy.

I think he tried to incite actual physical fear in me. He was walking behind me one time (when we were in a good place relationally) and said “I was behind you, we’re you scared?” I looked at him like “bitch, please” and said to him with great vigor “I ain’t scared of NOTHING” and had told him this again later on as we were drifting apart but this time I added “except for HERE” and put my hand on my heart so he made sure to try and destroy it the best he could. Another time when we first first started talking, JUST talking he had seen hickeys on my neck from a guy I was messing with.

The next day he came to pick me up for lunch and I opened the door and he had his gun in the seat and I joked “I didn’t think you were that mad”, it really didn’t phase me much at all then I got into the truck to ride with this near-stranger. 

Well, that’s all for now so thanks for reading, have a great day and I love you!