I have realized this once before but it really hit different and very hard yesterday when I was sitting in the backyard. Even when I was with EBA and everything was super cherry, Like I had almost everything possible I could ask for, I still felt like I wanted to kill myself very, very deeply and that I wasn’t good enough. Like at all. I had contributed a lot of that feeling to having being stuck at the house with my mom who was giving me a very hard hard time then.
She has gotten better since I’ve taken over all the bills and I’m responsible for everything in the house (bill-wise mostly) as well as trying not to take everything so personally. I had also noticed, from my perception anyway, that she seems to be meaner to me when I did have a boyfriend. I don’t know I remember a lot of time she would tell me not to leave her and this was very recent. Especially when she thought I was going to go move to Georgia with him and told me not to leave her behind and stuff.
I just want to note that being with him really and supremely triggered my “not good enough” wounds and things like that. There were times that I noticed he was a lot like my mom too. Like alot. I don’t see why I should be dating somebody who makes me feel like complete and utter shit about myself when I live with somebody like that already. My reasoning was at least I was getting laid/some lovin’ here and there but after a while I was barely getting that anymore and I thank Odin that he never made me cum either. Why? I dunno, maybe I thought it would solidify my bond with him or something…
I torture myself with thoughts of him now with other women making him laugh and smile and giving him intense orgasms as well as having like what we had when it was good. But whose to say he wasn’t doing that garbage whilst deep in the recesses of my bowels and yes, I mean butt stuff. All “more than adoring” me, bringing me groceries that one whole time, talking about marrying me and “slaying all my demons” and just all these very, very nice things I’ve never had before…whatever..
So I was in the backyard having my contemplations and I thought to myself “what am I gonna do about him?” First off, there’s nothing to do and I had been asking myself that same thing since we were together together. Then I wonder if I’m just assigning him my pain because almost this same exact thing happened with the last couple of poorly selected fucktards and I do this with my mom as well. Whatever this is gnawing at my soul really needs to be examined rather than placing it onto others even if they are difficult to deal with at times. How to do it is a whole other jive, imo.
I was reading up on my law of attraction studies and if this is true; “Know that you can create an amazing life when you learn how the Universe works. It works through the way you feel” then I am royally screwed. HOW do I feel better? HOW do I self soothe in a way that will not be detrimental to my evolution? I know I could stop doomscrolling, I TRY to find bright sides as mush as possible because if I don’t then the pain and disappointment of life will multiply a thousand fold for sure! I know I bitch in here a lot and it’s BRIMMING with negative energy but I’m tryna get it OUT of me and find the others like me or some that can help me out of this. Plus it serves as a good warning, I suppose.
Don’t even get me started on my randomly losing one of my front teeth because of all the hate and negativity I incessantly wish and speak upon this fucker on the daily. I mean, yeah, I need to take better care of my teeth but not talking shit and speaking up for myself wouldn’t hurt, either. I think I have a problematic throat chakra especially the problems I was having with it only around my 43rd birthday..
Ok, guys. I guess that’s all I got for now. I’ll leave you to it. I love you.