Despite my rantings and ravings there are two things I always tell myself and has proven true on multiple occasions and on a very high and unexplained level and it’s that “things always work out for me” and after another mismatch of the romantic kind is “I ALWAYS level up…always”. Leveling up doesn’t necessarily mean getting a better partner but it does mean that I improve myself greatly. The pain and disappointment fuels and inspires me, I want to progress and be awesome just to spite them!

I would just like to say that between what I had just gone through and perusing FDS that I really have a different way of looking at men. It makes no sense because it’s common knowledge and I’m 43 years old so you think that I would know better but godwas I saturated in pickme. I am currently having a high vibing day feeling pretty good and looking forward to a drinking and dancing session tomorrow but I do ponder some things in regards to him of course. I mean, hello, I am currently without DICKtraction!

If it was his initial intentions to utterly destroy, miserate me, knock me down a couple pegs and decimate my heart then (so far) he has succeeded exponentially. Is he happy now? Does he feel like a big strong and powerful man? How is the fuckery of destroying every loving relationship in his life working out for him any damn way? I also had a random memory around the time when things are starting to go to shit just before I had to let this motherfucker go.

I remember that he was showing me a picture his very best friend from childhood sent him of his mistress. He had said to me that the only thing that was wrong with her was that she was black and some other things (ugh! I knooowww!). Now I’m wondering if it was his friend that sent him that picture or if was the actual lady that sent him a picture and then he was fucking her instead of his FRIEND fucking her. Now whether or not it was him that was the one doing the fucking of that poor lady or his friend either way he’s in bad company and very much influenced by his bestest friend probably. We are the culmination of the five people that we spend our most time around (note to universe: allow more positive, uplifting and inspiring people in my life, please) So then I get to sit here and almost ruin my awesome day with this bullshit now.

I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I do have to realize that when people cheat that it’s not a personal thing most of the time. Look at Beyoncé and Halle Berry and all of them. Then it led me to another memory of when I first met him and things were absolutely beautiful and almost perfect. I was seeing somebody else at that time because EBA didn’t make it clear if it was something he wanted to pursue with me seriously or even SEMI-seriously or what (next time it’s gonna be if I want to pursue anything with THEM) not until he saw the hickeys on my neck from the other guy I was seeing so that he HAD to “win” me (HIS words) of course.

I think I remember telling myself that this guy, EBA, was doing and saying all the right things and making me feel really, really good but I was still over here seeing another guy at the same time. I was telling myself this because I guess maybe I had an underlying sense that he would probably cheat on me or something like that. As if I were already preparing myself for some inevitable heartbreak from the old, crusty fucker from hell. 

I also just realized maybe I want him to come talk to me so I can unleash my unadulterated rage in a passive aggressive manner towards him. I remember thinking that he wanted me to just be some happy little doll that never cried based off of some things that were done and said. Such as my Mom saying something about us when I was out with him then it put me in a MOOD and I had to go into a bank with him (when he gave one of the tellers a biiiig ol’ smile) then he was alluding to how he didn’t want people thinking I was surly and upset because of HIM. As if he were embarrassed by my reaction to what she said to me.

Another time he had snuck up on me whilst I was riding my bicycle home. He had said how he saw me riding and jamming out to my music and how carefree (a-hem CHILDLIKE) I had seemed and just fell in love with me even more. He knew I was having troubles with mom (when I had a “rich” and loving boyfriend at the time..interesting) and would often say that he would get me away from her and stuff.

Well, anyway I’ll stop here. Thanks for reading and I love you!