It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and I got my wine and Bluetooth speaker ready for later. I hate drinking…I have a terrible relationship with alcohol and don’t really do it anymore. I used to blow through handles of vodka like nothing and it was NOT cute nor pretty. Tonight I just have some wine and dance with my daughter. It was mega fun last time and I guess I stopped just in time or we ran out or whatever.

I’m gonna do the best I can and think maybe I should just get my crying out before the drinking hour lay upon us. I’m very upset and more pissed than anything about EBA and soooooo many others just like him that hurt me. I honest to god thought he’d be different at least the first 3 and a half months. The year after that I was just holding out hope that he’d return to how he was in the beginning.

I wanted it SO bad that I could taste it! He had a plethora of shit going on that I was hoping his assholery was only because of the many, many stressful factors that were occurring in his life at the time and not his fucking mask slipping. I couldn’t understand that if I was his “therapy” and “the highlight of his day” then why was he making me suffer by not spending as much time with me anymore and going out of his way doing the things he knew damn well would drive me away?

I wondered and had hoped that maybe he was self-sabotaging because he probably felt like he didn’t deserve my love. “You deserve better” he told me on two different occasions but he didn’t want to become better. “I’ll never change and neither will you” he had told me after our first big “fight” following a 2020 new year’s post from our lovely C (his “ex”). I never told him I saw it and when someone commented “what a cute couple” when he looked like he got pulled from the bowels of hell and she’s built like a chicken-leg linebacker..ugh..stop it, me..Plus I WAS changing when I met him and he knew it. I told him I’m on a journey of self-improvement and re-wiring YEARS of conditioned behavior just to scratch the surface.

I never told him I saw the post, I just assumed he would know since he knew I checked. I think about if I should have said something but I had a feeling I wouldn’t have liked the answer and/or it would have just been more redundancy and giving me the run around. “I can’t help what she posts” he tells me then why does she do it? “She just wants to make you mad” “why?” “She doesn’t want me to be happy”, he says.

I say nothing I just THINK “why doesn’t she want him happy? What did he DO to her?”. Pain in the ass bullshit that I can’t fucking let go of! All morning at work every white pickup truck that passes I beg and plead and choke back tears..I remind myself it’s the eve of Christmas Eve and he’s probably out of town with C or Odin only knows who like he’d been doing.

Yes, our first Christmas “together” and doesn’t spend it with me or my kids after him saying he’s “gonna be their step daddy” then he peppers it with “if you don’t kick me to the curb first” and this was when things were good and I didn’t understand why he would say that but I didn’t really put alot of thought into it which I probably should have. Then again maybe it was running in my background brain programs and helped me to not get even closer or attached to him and to eventually tell him to “fuck off”.

Why would I even want a “man” that uses women in any way, shape or form and probably cheats like a mother fucker because he’s so ugly, insecure and only had his “ex”’s money and the sweet-talking lies going on for him? Dear GOD do I want to call him out publicly! I’m gonna do an unsent letter to him in here eventually. UNSENT he can never, ever know JUST HOW BAD he contributed to my inner turmoil, pain, stimulating childhood wounds and ego pummeling.

I guess I should just thank my lucky stars to all hell that I don’t have to sit here and be disappointed yet again by this motherfucker most especially on a holiday I could really care less about. But that’s not even the point…I had actually once said to him when we first started that I was excited about spending the holidays with him and he kind of dismissed and diminished it. Although he didn’t do it in such a way where it was really that obvious that I was going to be severely let down that Christmas he did it in a subtle way. That or maybe I just turned a blind eye to it or yet again having massive and unwarranted amounts of hope. He got the best of me (at that time) and I’m guessing I got the worst of him, at least from my perspective as I have never fully seen his rage or ALL of him. I have never spent more than 4 hours with him on a regular basis and only 2, maybe 3 sleepovers IN A HOTEL!!

Ok, guys I guess that’s all for now I’ll type to you later thanks for reading. Love you!