Contemplative Ponies

So you know how they say to forgive people for your own health? Such as not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and hoping for the other person to die or some bullshit like that. I can’t even imagine even for 1 millisecond of ever forgiving this piece of shit asshole bitch motherfucker. I’ll forgive him when the loneliness stops gnawing at my soul. This thing about forgiving ourselves for putting up with it? I don’t know if I can do that either.

You know, I’m reading about how it’s mainly women who make Christmas magical and I am so very glad I didn’t kill myself to make it nice for him like I tried to in his birthday and Easter (ugh! I just unlocked a core memory of when we first started going out and I expressed to him how happy I was to have him for the holidays and then he was like “meh” and said some disparaging discouraging crap that I can’t remember right now). I am really, really glad I wasn’t stupid and pickme enough to do that. I wonder if he thought/got upset/disappointed that I didn’t even if he DID insist I don’t do anything for his birthday.

What about leaving the house again after five in the morning today which I said I wouldn’t do anymore because I see things that I don’t want to see? Huh. So instead of getting all upset about it I’m trying to convince myself I’m just gonna note here and I’m not even gonna write about it to not feed more into it.

I’m also not gonna correlate the nice beautiful mood I’m in right now with the thing that I saw in the morning ( didn’t even see who’s driving because the windows were up so I’m just gonna say that it was his son driving) I’m just gonna contribute it to me running and somebody bringing me coffee in the morning.

Pros for the morning I had a very good bowel movement, my check is a significant amount more than I thought it was going to be and I fit into a smaller size faja and I didn’t cry when I saw the thing that I saw that I’m not supposed to talk about. Already cried a little bit last night after a freaking orgasm I’ll just look at it is another form of release I guess

Ok, I guess that wraps up this episode of caca mierda. Love you guys! 💋💋💋