Preparing my outfit for a special trip.

Severe and unadulterated rage coursing through my veins as I sit here and write out a hex for him. I don’t care anymore I feel like it’s the right thing and that it’s calling me..maybe this is what I’m supposed to do, help karma along. Valentine’s Day was a huge bust, big surprise.

I was talking to some guy for about a month I thought we were going somewhere but too many games and flags so I ended up blocking him thank God we never met irl or anything. Was back on tinder for a hot minute (where I met the guy) and I HATE that I even go on there but I’m just not taking it serious and maybe I just set it for women since I’m supposed to have a gf, anyway.

When tf did he stop loving me? WHY did he stop when I tried to be the best I could..why? Did he ever love me, even just a little? It sure af seemed like it..

I feel very strong cyclical urges that I wanna ask him what it was that he thinks that I did so wrong in his bug eyes. Look, I might be a little bit chunky or whatever but I wear it very well and I can run and I can skate and I’m very flexible and things like that. I consider myself very beautiful regardless and I also get hit on and stared at a whole lot so why in the hell did this fucking asshole throw me away?

He should thank God that I even breathe the same air as him what the hell did I do so wrong according to him? I really wanna fucking know. If I even asked would he tell me the truth? Maybe he’s a gay pedophile or maybe he’s part of some kind of online (or irl) incel group that sets out to hurt and destroy women because apparently those exist. 

He told me towards the end that I became too negative but I only did so because I was matching his energy. I was letting what he did and did not do affect my behavior and feelings which I know I should have more control over but I didn’t at that time. What does he mean by being “too negative”anyway? If he really “more than adored” me like he used to tell me and wanna take me away and marry me and all this other stuff then my being too negative should never be a factor in him throwing me away like he did. A real one would try and work with me if he really actually cared.

I know he once said to me when we were having a phone conversation that every time we have a nice one I’m the one that always has to end it with asking him if he wants me to leave from him alone but why is that? I’m sure a lot of it had to do with me not feeling secure with him and I’m not gonna just put all the blame on him I know a lot of it was my insecurities and anxieties as well but he sure wasn’t helping much after awhile and it almost seemed as if the mistreatment and neglect was deliberate.

Here are some of the things that I think he would not have liked about me or possible future issues with me as to why I think he started acting up to push me away:

1. I told him that I like attention. I didn’t mean just guys but Women and children as well but I don’t think that’s any better. I’m trying to teach myself that respect is way better. It’s a lifetime of rewiring.

2. Maybe him starting to treat me like garbage (a.k.a let the mask slip) was really him shit testing me and how much of him hurting me I will take. He did seem to shit test a whole lot and my mom even said it was like he had a grade book in his lap for me.

3. He is a closeted gay pedophile and just trying to have a girlfriend for show. But what about C? Maybe she wasn’t complying either.

4. I lied about having a very social life (he knew all I did was work and home when we met) so he wouldn’t think I was a loser that only lived for him. Maybe he didn’t like that I was “going out with friends” so much.

5. He couldn’t make me come. I thought that he really was trying but he was doing it his own way and for his own ego, not the way that I’m used for 27 years. I also never faked and I even said something to him about maybe his past women would have possibly faked.

6. I told him once that I never apologize (because I break my balls to make sure I’m doing everything I can the right way and how I think those around me would need me to be and do if that makes sense). Maybe he was hoping or thought (because I toldhim I was a people pleaser that likes “to be used”) that I would just always be apologizing left and right no matter what. Like no matter what he did and said I would always blame myself (I still kinda do although I broke ass trying to be the best girlfriend possible for him). 

7. I wasn’t looking at him with stars in my eyes like he was my hero anymore. He once told me that when I saw him not to look at him like that (was upset about something regarding him) But it’s because of his behaviors and treatment towards me that I was looking at him in that way.

Other possibilities that make my ego squee:

1. He did a preemptive strike. He always used to say “if you don’t kick me to the curb first” (unwarranted) and once he said to me “my relationships don’t last”. Maybe he thought I was too good for him (“you deserve better”-twice) and too beautiful and outgoing and displayed too much confidence (I know these entries suggest otherwise but ain’t shit linear) for a woman or something. Maybe he thought I’d come to my senses. I DID start acting/treating him different but that’s only because I was matching his shit energy!

2. Maybe he really did mean all the future faking and lovebombing and really WAS scared like he said. But I was/am scared too and would have done anything (barring disrespect, lies and mistreatment) to make us work properly. Maybe C (his “ex”) had something to do with it, holding money or whatever over his head and stuff which I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that shit anyway and it’s a huge turn off!

3. Maybe it’s like my mom told me and that he can’t run me or control me like he thought that he could. He even seems surprised at my intelligence a little bit later on in the relationship. Maybe Because I’m such a wild and hot piece of ass he felt like he needed to tame me (some things he said about being able to handle me and him being a bull in the beginning ring back in my head) so that he could feed his ego or something I don’t know.

4. He saw that I was, in fact, improving my life the best I could and even took over all the bills in the house since meeting him. Maybe he thought that wouldn’t happen and that I wasn’t really serious about refusing to “live in destitutional mediocrity” as I once said to him but I meant that I would take care of it for me personally and not putting more on him. Sometimes I truly believe with some of the things he’s said and done that he just wanted me this broken mess that was solely dependent upon him with a “fatal attraction” (he once accused me of having this for him for no reason). 

I have half of a mind for when he does come back to try and get me again because he did tell me he would come back for me when the time is right whenever the hell that is I don’t know…

Regardless of whether or not I threatened him with a restraining order…When he comes back and tries to reestablish a relationship I was thinking about playing along and making him think that I absolutely adore him and was super happy he came back. Like just lead him on and string him along and make him think he got me like that again just to turn around and blindside TF out of him. 

However there is the more appealing option of being the one that got away. Like he can forever pine over me if he ever really did love me like he said he did or if he just wanted to freaking control, abuse and manipulate me again which I will not ever let happen again not matter what, not if I can help it. 

I keep saying that I have a fear of abandonment and stuff but I think that has changed significantly because every time I get “abandoned” I just keep getting better, stronger, funnier and smarter sooooo…

I would just really appreciate someone that can match my level and energy in every possible way within reason and I know that old man matched me for a little while but he couldn’t keep it up. LOL insert ED jokes here…or not..? Get it? ‘Cuz he can’t insert it if he’s got ED..

I was thinking about one of the reasons it’s taking me so long to get any is because I’m doing it for my pleasure and not theirs and that’s why it’s taking forever. That and I’m betting hardcore not to mention I have yet to come across anyone I even like just a little. Too hung up on THIS asshole! See how he ruins things and I don’t even SEE or TALK to him anymore!

Was also wondering if I see boundary violating as extreme interest? I get numbers and there may be a teeeeny but if an exchange but it never really goes anywhere. I’m not interested because of the obvious but also because they’re not trying harder to MAKE me that a bad thing? I’ll tell you one thing, mama don’t chase FOR shit!

I remember when I had told him about wanting to take a break (that he had brought up first a couple months before after I told him “part of my evolving is not putting up with mistreatment” because of some audacity he displayed) he was concerned that I would be whoring around (my words). 

I had told him that I need to stay to myself and get my shit together and in order and work on making better decisions in the romance department. My exact words were “so I don’t keep ending up with assholes” (can somebody please explain to me what the hell he meant when he said “at least I showed you it was possible” in response to this?) So I don’t know why I should be so upset I got what I damn wanted, didn’t I? I’m sure I can be working on myself a little bit better as in implementing my learning and things like that. But whatever.. there are days when the suicidal ideations are running rampant but therapy is later.

Anyway, from now on they’re not boyfriends theyre boy pets cause ain’t nobody my friend. That’s all for now, my babies. I hope you all are ok and thanks tour reading!
I love you