I need a refresher of seeing him up close and hoping to feel nothing but even better to feel disgusted. I SWEAR I thought I had seen him but it was another old man dressed up in his costume. My heart leapt into my throat and palpitated. I got the hot/colds throughout my body. What did it mean? Was it my body reacting in fear even though that old POS doesn’t scare me..not physically anyway. Mentally and spiritually and most especially romantically..I am fucking terrified. There goes Daddy abandoning me again!

I remember during a phone convo when I said what a good daddy he was and he said “sometimes daddies leave” and I thought he was talking about him and his father and maybe me and my daddy issues as well. Ugh! You know I had another dream about him recently and of course he was being shit to me in that one and I haaaate not only the fact that I remembered it upon waking on a workday but how it made me feel for almost the whole day.

I called his phone but didn’t put it to my ear. I didn’t want to hear him in case he actually answered, I watched the phone for awhile and just hoped he saw that I called (yesterday) I hope he comes to talk to me and I just tell him it was a butt dial or that I didn’t know and was clearing out my phone or whatever.

I don’t know what need is screaming at me right now for me to do crazy and unproductive bullshit like calling and hanging up like a common bunny boiler. What if that call did make him come to me? Then it would be because of that reason and not on his own fucking accord! What the hell is his problem!?! Was I REALLY played THAT hard and THAT bad? For Odin’s sake why can’t it just be bad timing like he said and that he just loved me too damned much and had too much bullshit going on with C, her mom, house fire, dad he didn’t get along with that made him the monster he is dying, under criminal investigations, possibly facing jail time..etc..?

My thing was, and I know I’ve stated it before, is that if I was his “therapy” (I know, I knoooow!) and “the highlight of his day” then why did he push me away so damned hard? I didn’t do anything so incredibly and horribly bad for him to have done what he did when he knew I went through absolute shit with men practically my whole fucking life! We need to raise these boys MUCH better and my teenaged son comes to mind.

I begged that boy (L15) to please let me know what I can do to be a better mother to him and I even asked some forums because I have never had to raise a teenaged boy before. Ugh! I can’t wait it until I’m an awesome ass old bitch and just NOT CARE anymore! Okay now I don’t know if I’m ovulating (but it’s 2 days off of my period) or what but there are certain times I think during each month where I get super, super extra hungry not only for the stupid old man but for male (I’d take female, too) validation/romantic-admiration as well. I feel very a chaotic and desperate energy surrounding me to get laid or be told and be shown how amazingly awesome I am. This week is one of those weeks and I’m feeling it hard. Is it sex I want when u don’t even orgasm from it unless I do it myself which hasn’t happened in a long time because of time restraints, not comfortable and all that cute anxious shit.

Look..ok..ugh..I’m feeling real, real, REAL horrible that he has not made any visible attempts to check up on me or try to talk to me or nothin’..like it gets real bad like this cyclically. I did the thing where I called his phone as mentioned above and posted a new BEAUTIFUL profile pic of me on fb and some “missing you” memes on my alternate fb that ion even know if he knows about it but it’s a good chance he may.

Ok, what? How do I not feel so horrifically terrible about myself when it comes to his (and all of “them”) “rejecting” me? Why does it feel like I’m the one that got thrown away when he’s the one that called himself trash? Ok, ok..so maybe when he REALLY started to show his ass and piss me off (which really seemed and felt intentional) was him shit testing me and/or his true nature finally emerging forth in its full glory.

So then in reaction to his mask not only fully falling (that he allowed me to see) but my getting truly and all the way fed up (at least it was only a year and a half) I cursed him out and blocked him and god only knows how he must have taken that! Sooo then what? He finally comes to stalk me at work (that I saw) 4 whole fucking months after I blocked him unless he’s been by and I just ain’t seen him and/or wasn’t there. So he does that every so often for about 4 months until I unblock him.

Now when I went to go unblock him, before I can even ask him what he wanted, he says to me that he’s sorry and he’d make it up to me and that he needed more time and stuff. Unproductive back n forth ensues and then it ends with me telling him “whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy”. He musta just LOVED that. He claimed to have gotten closure that I needed and not him. That’s it, right? He got his closure I didn’t give him any reason to think I’d put up with anymore of his shit, right?

What happens next? More stalking..just driving by and looking, no getting out and talking to me like a real man or come to where I stay or NOTHIIING. Ok? For about 4 months after he’s still doing his stalking and stuff, right? He still wants me, right? But WHY does he want me? To use, abuse and manipulate or does he really love me in his own fucked up way? Ok. He only stopped coming by (again, that I could see) and then I sent the RO note off through someone who works for him so god only knows how that panned out and what it did to him. Ok. Ok.. so who wins? Me? No one?

Men are the ones that come back, he “needed me more than I knew” he told me so why is it so easy for him to forget about me and stuff? Because his trashy ass is used to fucking being rejected? WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. HE!?!? I have to tell myself that after that note and the 3 times I saw him on the way to work that he saw me and it was just too much for him and he unalived himself over me, ok? Look, ion know how my ego got like this but it’s something I have to look into cuz this bitch is killing me if thats even what the issue is. See, I just called his job and this lady said he wasn’t there and I said “tell him I called” and just hung up. Why did she say that he wasn’t in the office now instead of saying that he died? He should be dead! This is terrible and driving me crazy. It’s been 2 fucking years!!

Maybe I should just fuck some rando as if it’ll help but I don’t think so especially how they get after you fuck ‘em. Let me tell you another thing, ugly guys are not safe at all. They sometimes treat you even worse, ok? God dammit the universe wants me to make a fool of myself not sending me ANYone just to help forget him or remember that nice and loving people do exist somewhere! How do I find someone to fuck that I wouldn’t care about or if they ghosted me after? See? That’s why I should do it FIRST. If I’m not hearing from anyone it’s because they’re blocked and not because I’m a worthless 3-hole-having bitch to be thrown away after having orgasmless (my end) sex!!

If he even does come to talk to me I’m just gonna deny that I even called. Deny, deny, deny to hell and back and just say like I don’t know what he was talking about. Besides the obvious of him trying to destroy me into oblivion I wonder if he thinks that I’m happy, getting laid and having a good life. Well it’s obvious I’m getting well fed now. In that vein I’ve been wondering how “happy” he is with his life. Even if he just gets to get laid (empty validation but a form of validation nonetheless) and that he has somebody probably loving him like I did (I’d like to think it was not that possible and that the universe is denying him like it seems to be doing to me right fucking now) because he had to trick and manipulate them. Meanwhile I’m over here all alone with fucking nothing and a dry ass butthole!

You know everything is fine and dandy and all peaches and roses with these motherfuckers when I start with them and then I start seeing them for who they really are and then I look at them with different eyes and they can see it then that’s when they wanna “throw me away”. It’s when I started to have boundaries and standards and hold them accountable which I should be doing from the fucking beginning. I’m not saying I’m perfect or anything but I try. I try SO hard especially when it comes to my romantic relationships. Most especially and maybe that’s part of the problem. Yes, I do acknowledge and am aware of my toxicity and my role in this carnival of fuckery.

Ok so I’m trying to think like a mentally disordered, old, controlling, insecure, ugly, white republican conservative male so here we go:

My list of what I think may have made him lose interest (again) why I should care..I know:

  1. I’m too beautiful for him in combination with my telling and showing him how much I value external validation and attention (working on it best I can rn because respect is more valuable than attention and would benefit me and my insatiable ego better).
  2. I’m not into politics like him and his Trump parade float/shitty truck.
  3. I have an insanely high sex drive. He said he never met a woman as horny and comfortable with my sexuality as I am. I think he may have had ED and didn’t seem to mind long times in between.I have wouldn’t put it past him if he was getting it from somewhere else maybe even a “he/she”.
  4. I shit tested him with talking about open-mouth kissing my half-brother (not true, just giving him a taste of his own meds). This was after I had been pushed to it..matching energies and all. He even told me that I should get mad and to “blow a gasket”..this was near the absolute end so I don’t know if he wanted me to actually go away and/or use my justified anger at him as an excuse to criticize and abandon me.
  5. My checking C’s fb posts and then giving him much deserved flak about it. Especially since she was quiet af before me and then after me and him started here come all the posts!
  6. I stopped checking her fb in December of 2020 because the last one sent me into a tizzy! BUT I still expressed concern over the fact that he wasn’t doing not ONE IOTA OF ANYTHING he said we’d do AND he started taking a fuckton of time away from us for some stupid reason.
  7. He knew I cheated before because of neglect that he would inevitably perpetuate like they all do..no, DID. He told me he cheated on his wife because she cheated on him and stuff. Ugh.
  8. Getting upset with him because of his newfound shitty behavior and treatment of me and pretty much asking him if he wanted me to leave him alone because that’s what it felt like. He even told me once that I end a lot of our convos with if I wanted to leave him alone towards the end but I cannot be FULLY blamed for that..maybe partially but that was something I couldn’t really help (anxious attachment at the time leaning more fearful/dismissive at the moment but only because I’m single) I’m still trying to figure out how to not think I need another person SO badly. I’ll know better when I get into it with someone again.
  9. Started taking on way more responsibility in my household (we never lived together, couldn’t even get him to sleep over) as far as being the sole breadwinner since meeting him. He told me in the beginning that he was rich and would pay my salary so I don’t have to work (before I started being Daddy in the home) I almost laughed hysterically and said to him then and repeatedly throughout how much I loved working. Now if that was a shit test ir what ion know but he said to me once in a resentful kinda way “you’re happy when you go to work”. Another time he said to me “you have what’s considered a shitty job”.
  10. Maybe he’s trying to play house/keep up appearances with C (or whomever) and keeps failing miserably because he has a weakness for prostitutes and “exotic” women. He would tell me I made him weak (I’m not likening myself to a prostitute but the whole fiasco felt transactional at times) and that he had to fight himself HARD not to pursue me as he was concerned with the relationship becoming “all consuming”. I also remember when he told me that him and C were fighting that she says “what? do you think you’re going to end up with a white picket fence? (When they were fighting about me..why? I still don’t know exactly but I can guess).

I realize I am being repetitive and focusing on the wrong things when I should be focusing on my own shit. But why, oh why, am I so hellbent and insistent on creating an emotional and mental hellscape for myself at almost every turn? What is this compulsion? Do I think it makes me quirky, edgy and cool? Because it sure doesn’t, it makes me weak, pathetic and whiny and I hate whining!! Then what? What if he does come by? I’m not ready for him. How should I be? I should do it for myself which I have been the best that I can but this…hmph..this shit right here? This shit right here? This shit right here? Needs to be dealt with as healthily as possible and I’m still trying to learn how to do that.

Sometimes I wonder if he was just trying to secure me before he could fully let go and break up with C. But I don’t want no monkey-branching ass motherfucker! I used to be one and I’m not gonna be one anymore I’m already not one. Doesn’t mean it’s easy or that I like it.

Ok well I think I’ve rambled on enough and if you’ve read all that, thanks! I love you! 💕 💕