I don’t want him to know just how bad he hurt me and how devastated of all hellfire I am right now just in case he gets off on it.

Crying and bad vibes the whole morning. After I cried and had coffee and talk to a coworker I started feeling much much better. Vibing high and good things started happening money came in early and I was able to juggle bills around to be able to buy food with cash today. And then I got credit card applications from customers on top of it.

I always get what I want. I should be happy because what I wanted was to not actively be abused, made to feel like shit and mistreated by him any longer. When I say “actively” I mean by interacting and exchanging energies with him and things like that because he ‘s still abusing and mistreating me through my brain because of me.

I remember many years ago I was in an illegal jeep in front of an unemployment office waiting hours for BD (babydaddy) to find work. I had to sit and wait because not not only was there not enough gas to go back and forth but the tag wasn’t up to date as well. I remember watching Katt Williams downloaded on a shitty device.

Now? Biiitch, March 25, 2022 I went with my bro and his gf to see Mr. Williams with Mark Curry and a couple of others. $420 tickets that I bought, ok? Fucking ace! I have always been a fan of him and I just adore black comedy in general. These are things I need to remember when I get upset about how things are now. I have to remember what they USED to be and how much better it is now even with the little annoying hiccups.

Speaking of hiccups..I feel like my mom needs someone to yell at degrade/disrespect her (my bro) because that’s how she feels about herself. She’s told me on multiple occasions that she hates herself and her life unless that’s a manipulation tactic to play the victim and/or not be held accountable for whatever may happen in the future. Now we segue into our favorite subject matter..EBA..It can’t be him that I’m nostalgic for because I’m also thinking of my baby daddy and missing him as well and the Puerto Rican guy I lived with and the ONLY one I ever was able to cum with. So it’s not the people I don’t think. At least I hope not because that’s a lost fucking cause. It’s like he’s layering the perceived rejection and abandonment into a parfait of pain and agony!

So on Sunday at 1:40 he drive by and I looked up and saw him cowardingly do a drive-by stalking. He yelled out “git ‘er done!” and I yelled back “ok!” But ion know if he heard me. I know he saw my fat and beautiful ass, tho! My heart races faster than a jack rabbit on crack and I got shaky. What does that mean? Warning system? A hit from my addiction? See? He has a truck and the resources to employ ppl to watch/check up on me (as he has stated before he did). I have no way of checking up on him unless I check C’s FB but I can’t go through that again. How do I even know what she’s posting is up to date and accurate?

What if she’s still posting things to “make me mad” even though I haven’t even spoken to him on a real level in 2 years this week? I can’t drive by his house/work as I don’t know where he’s staying exactly at this point and my only means of transpo are bicycle, skates and uber and I don’t have the time or money to utilize any of those things to execute a fruitless action that would just feed his ego and bring into existence the shit he said about me passing by his house/work or whatever.

When he comes to talk to me I want to say “Listen, motherfucker..don’t get it twisted. Get it in your pea-brained skull that I’m only entertaining this godawful fuckery ‘cuz you were the last fuck I was with and I’m just bored. You’re nothing but a plaything to me”. Hmph. In our unproductive and redundant January ‘21 exchange he basically commended me for using less words, guess it’s too much for him to process and makes him feel even more stupid!

He knows I’m always happy at work maybe that’s why he only stalks me there and not my house..to catch me in a good mood (and ruin it the next day or 2 as the high wears off) and plus he can see me from far away and my bro and/or the cops can’t bother him there. One time before the shit really hit the fan (SHTF- the period of time after the lovebombing and before the complete and blatant devalue yet I still held on for 2-3 more months drowning in unrelenting hope) I told him that I liked missing him (don’t know what that’s about, had/have a thing for longing and yearning) so maybe that’s why he stays the fuck away so much..?

Can’t sleep, entertaining fantasies of me cursing him out, ordering him around and dominating him sexually. Feel like I’m a bit manic, I think..if that’s what this is called..hormones? Brain chems outta whack? I won’t know until I prioritize getting into therapy. Feel restless, overly sexually charged and a desperate and chaotic-feeling of need for attention and external validation. I get like that sometimes. Still not fuckin anyone, though! 😤😤

I would rather see him pass by once in awhile than not at all. Used to be I didn’t want to see him so I can pretend he died/unalived himself over me but that didn’t work. Maybe he come by once in awhile and not get out and talk to me and I’ll rage over it so much it’ll become boring to me because he broke the threshold of my tolerance.
This fucking sucks! What? I’m gonna be thinking about him/torturing myself over him until the day I die or for the rest of my life or something? What if I die tomorrow I would have died thinking about him and then it turns out I inadvertently joined some damned demon tribe!

Just a note: He had me crying my guts out in my dream again (04/28).

The next time somebody acts like they want me to break up with him I’m just gonna hold on for dear life and not make it easy for them. Like at all. I’ll do whatever I can to make him feel guilty or whatever it is but I’m not gonna be the first one to go anymore and I’m not blocking any more they’re going to have to be the ones to do it.

Well, turns out Wynona Judd committed suicide. I grew up listening to The Judds because of my mom so I am a fan. Wynona was very rich and very famous and had the resources to get real help and still couldn’t escape it. Very, verrryyy disheartening she did it the day before being inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame. I wonder if she knew about it and if she did, why? I mean I can take a few guesses.

So my issue with all of this *gestures around wildly* is that I don’t have any real friends outside of work and derby checking up on me and acting like/showing me that they care and are thinking of me. I know it goes both ways but if I put in some effort and it’s not returned oh, well then. Not very comfortable with mom, can’t ever 109% be myself around her. Stark difference in beliefs, mindsets and the like. *cough. cough. boomer.*

Kids are a bit older, 3 teens and a younger one and I don’t get a whole bunch of affection/attention from them and I be asking, too. I know the oldest loves affection but I don’t know why when she asks for it I am reluctant..why is this? I am making a conscious decision to be more proactive in displays of affection physically. I have no problem whatsoever giving these undeserving fuckbois my love and affection…I did..not anymore.

I remember as a teen (prolly before that but not only am I a blocker in derby but I am also a blocker as far as childhood memories are concerned) when I’d ask mom for hugs (sibling as well) and she’d tell us to get away from her and that we were too old or some shit. Hmph. Mini-breakthrough.. I feel as though I have no REAL and ACTUAL support and care unless it’s from the ppl whose bills I’m paying and even then it doesn’t feel real genuine but that could also have to do a lot with my perception.

Maybe this is why I’m so drawn to lovebombing/honeymoon stages because men are reeeeal nice and almost everything I want them to be/ that I need when they wanna fuck and/or abuse me! I don’t know what else to do. How do I fill my own void by myself in a healthy manner? “Give me 10 years” still rattles through my brain at times. 10 years? I thought he meant like give him 10 years and still be with him or something..ion know..”I’ll come back for you when the time is right”. What the ever-loving hell is that even supposed to mean? Like I’m gonna wait around and shit? He even said to me “I don’t expect you to wait for me I belong..” and he pointed to the bottom of his shoe as if he were trash which he had referred to himself as but most likely to avoid accountability.

Why should he change if it is benefitting him in getting his hands on some poor woman and her family’s money, gets to feel like a big man bossing people all around, has the money to trick and use women to feel better about his ugly, trash self and take his misogyny out on us? “I’ll never change and neither will you” he once texted me and I told him I have been changing since I met him and I’m still trying. I’m very proud of myself, for as desperate and lonely as I feel, that I haven’t succumbed to any fuckery from any of these boring, weak personality-having, no-effort-putting in ass bitches! It wasn’t that long ago that I was ready to jump with damn near anyone to go somewhere and do something and just get out of the house and away from the fighting and anger over there (more often than not for my tastes).

Like for real! I got some guys that come in to see me sometimes and I’ll get my little coffees, all-encompassing hugs that make me melt, sometimes flowers or whatever as well. But lemme tell you, once that foot hits the threshold any interest quickly dissipates..mostly on my part because I can only speak for myself. I don’t know about them, sometimes it feels like it on their end because there is never any follow through or pursuit of any kind. If they wanna tell me that they thought I wasn’t interested I wanna say “you have to make me interested” but like in a nicer way..?

If what he said was even true about him “mentally unraveling” after our first real fight in January 2021 then why is it so easy for him to just forget all about me? Why has he not tried to come talk to me or anything or at least send somebody else to come talk to me for him? Why did he give up so goddamn easily?? Or is part of his “mentally unraveling” is to make me feel like I’m mentally unraveling and really wanna kill my goddamn self! My mom and my last toxic fuckboi (Who has almost the same exact personality) make me feel the same way too.

You know what else I just noticed as obsessed as he was with my ass and fucking it, licking it and sucking and everything he never smacked it.. not playfully not jokingly not to get a reaction out of people in public and most especially not for my 42nd birthday either (43 smacks, technically).

Let’s not forget the great question from him of 2019 when he had the audacity to ask me where we kept the safe at work (which I don’t even know, wanna know or would even tell him if I did) coupled with the “you might have to claim bankruptcy” head-ass! His ex-wife was charged with possession with intent to sell (he told me he used to slang powder) and saw that our precious C (his “ex” he lived with) had to file for bankruptcy. The thoughts preceding the above mentioned was about how it would be nice for someone to want to take care of me and make me happy. Then I think about the intentions behind said grand treatment, care and attention. Why would they do that unless they have fear of abandonment like I am not having anymore and/or to utilize me in their shady-ass shit at a later date? I don’t do shady shit and he knows that I am a full believer in karma and shit and according to him I’m “too nice” so..

I think this is a good meme to sum it up:

I don’t know why I’m concerned what what he thinks about me gaining weight (or anything) when one of his most favorite picture of me is when I was at my fattest (posted it as fb profile pic recently in case he’s looking) Like, he REALLY liked it unless that was a manipulation tactic as well. You know they say to make a life so good that you don’t want to feel like you need to escape from it. But the only way that I know how to do that right now is by smoking weed. I can’t think of anything else that I can do to make it feel like I don’t need to escape.

There’s only so much I can do with the limited resources I have at this time as well as mustering up the mental and emotional fortitude to make healthy, productive and consistent choices to help better my life along the best I can.

Saw a dragonfly struggling and this guy swore it was dead I untangled it and then it flew way freely into the air and then he told me God bless my heart. This fat piece of shit wanna talk about I’m too nice while I have to be too nice considering I’m surrounded by bunch of toxic assholes. Plus I don’t think it would hurt for the world to have more people like me instead of more people like him to be honest. Maybe he thought if he gave me the bare minimum (which WAS a big deal to me b/c I never had it before) that I would just shut up and put up with his fuckery abuse bullshit!

Wanting to change myself so bad and so fast. Maybe accept the things that are more of a challenge to change at this time then eventually I can change it. Wondering if blood pressure has anything to do with mood because had a nice day and blood pressure was normal. Also exercise.

Do I have to go and have sex with somebody else and get thrown away so I can be upset about them and then shift all my energy off the stupid old man so he comes back to me? At least check up on me? You know what else? I guess show these fucking undeserving, piece of shit assholes, all the love that their mothers never gave them and they don’t know how to freaking handle it and I don’t think that they deserve it so what did he do? Shit all over me.

I wonder if he’s sitting there doing research on me like I’m doing with him. I remember him telling me how he will read Cosmo articles on how to make me cum instead of just freaking asking me or letting me teach him. No it had to be his way.

Well, this one was a long one, lol. Thanks so much if you’ve made it this far. I love you! ❤️😘💕