Batbitch: The Dark Fight Returns

I know with my brain that I should be focusing on my own self and my own life and fixing what needs to be fixed. I’m doing this and I’m trying the best that I can as much as I can to stay busy and productive and to self improve. Tell that shit to my heart..or is it my ego..or both..? There’s something about this brooding, though.. I must think it’s part of my identity or gives me my writer’s edge or whatever the hell it is. I just can’t seem to get rid of it I think it may very well be severely ingrained into my neurological pathways.

Hmph. “Writer’s edge”, how funny.. it’s not like I’m really all that great at it or have ever been published or anything. I just know that I love to do it and I can’t stop doing it and I’ve been doing it since I was eight. I have gotten accolades and recognition here and there for my writings but nothing that serious. My mom says that I like to wallow and have something to be upset about but I don’t think it’s a liking to wallow as much as it is some kind of macabre addiction to pain, darkness and torture.

After that supremely awesome blessing that I got on Thanksgiving morning and told myself that I was not allowed to be upset guess what I did? I got upset. I cried my ever loving eyes out yesterday in the bathroom at work, my happy place, and I’m TELTing again today. When the hell does it end? My mom says I probably wouldn’t even be thinking about him if I had someone else to consume my thought energy. I completely agree with her as I have said this to her before but I don’t wanna have to feel like I need someone else consuming my thought energy I would prefer if I didn’t have anyone involved and just gave it to myself but I don’t. Know. How.

I wish I knew how to be alone and be to myself whatever the hell this problem I’m having with obsessing over fucktards. I am sure that therapy and medication would assist greatly in my trajectory to awesomeness. It would also help me if I can get whatever therapist I see to get on board with helping me get a weed card. Maybe at the end of this year I’m going to pay some money on the doctor and go get some referrals and stuff. Ever since as long as I could remember I have my mom drilling into my head that therapy and medications were not optional and was to be avoided at all costs. I will work on changing it because obviously I need help.

Why does it bother me so much thinking that I will never see him again? Just typing that out has me almost crying and producing great pains in my heart. Like I have said multiple times before I should be exuberantly grateful to never have to be subjected to his abuse, mistreatment and disrespect ever again. I mean, he could be some kind of gay pedo for all I know and I have children! I can only imagine the hell he would have put us through if we ended up living with him and his “I run a very, very tight ship” ass. Laughter and joy would probably be banned and I already kinda live with that in a way although not as bad as before. Around the time I first met him he had asked about meeting my kids and I said “why? Are you some kind of pedo?” then he tells me “I wouldn’t tell you if I was one”.

But yeah, it’s very hard for me to accept that he’s not coming to try to talk to me (what a Segue, huh?), to beg after me, to show actual and genuine remorse and sorrow over the loss of me. It’s not like I can be happy in a relationship with him so I know this is just my ego being a little bitch, ok? If ego is so damn concerned with “winning” then it shouldn’t let ANY of this stupid and expired crap bother it, if it wants to “win” then it shouldn’t be concerned with someone I made an exception for and wasn’t even attracted to in the first place. 

Even when he first told me his stupid, boring , TOO common name I was just..I don’t know how to explain it but the combination of his name and ethnicity reveal was a huge let down. I like a certain type of guy and the only thing I was really attracted to was his assholery because I was used to it and it felt familiar.

The assholery got much, much worse and then it was starting to come my way more and more for no good reason and I was just like “hell, no” but was/am still hoping that he tries to come back for me and I have to figure out the “why” of it! Ugh! Now when it (new relationships) feels “familiar” or I look forward to seeing them or smile when I think of them or see their texts if that ever happens (new rule: no texting, only personal visits and phone convos..texting makes me too crazy) then I know to cut it off immediately! 

I really do not like the way that I feel emotionally about 93.5% of the time. The last time that I was emotionally satisfied for the most part was when I was in the beginning of the relationship with that fucking bastard and in love with who he pretended to be. I love being in lovve and could very well have an addiction to it and don’t think that I haven’t been googling shit out of it. 

Do you know it’s funny when I used to get this horribly upset my appetite would cease to exist and now its the complete opposite. I just wish I could get the lack-of-appetite-sadness back. I just don’t want my hair, skin, tits and ass to suffer but it would also be nice to fit into cute clothes that are more cost efficient. I realize I talk about that demon fuck bitch on here a great deal but don’t worry I will dive into the eating disorders, addictions and lesbianism that I haven’t gotten to participate in yet soon enough.

All right I think I’ve gone on long enough thanks again for reading, guys. I love you.

100 Years of Daddy Issues

The reflection of his truck as he watched me but didn’t get out to talk to me like a real man for some ungodly reason!! 🤬🤬🤬🤬

I wasn’t feeling too bad about EBA this morning but I caught myself trying to as if it were crucial to maintaining emotionally turbulent homeostasis. I told myself that I would not get upset about him or the whole shitshow after receiving the massive ass blessing that I got on Thanksgiving day. It was a very stark reminder that I am always looked out for and taken care of by this beautiful universe. There is no reason for me to continue being upset by this motherfucker unless it’s just the withdrawal of the “love hormones” and a nice, big, fat steaming trauma bond that I have to will myself to want to break.

I can’t understand how I’m still going through withdrawl when the last time I even touched him was almost two years ago. I’m sure if I would’ve been trauma broken or over it by now if he wouldn’t of been driving by stalking me for almost a year after I blocked him. So if you wanna get technical it’s been four months since I’ve seen him trying to (visibly) stalk me.

I did cross paths with him on 3 separate occasions when I was late for work and I was telling myself I will never go that route or be that late again ever. In the art of practicing self-love this is something that I must stick to because seeing him always throws me down a spiraling rabbit hole of despair.

On that note I was mulling over what I could’ve possibly done wrong for him to start treating me the garbage way that he did. I did the very best I could the only way that I knew how. I was a good and compliant girl I didn’t go and cheat on him I didn’t even really think about it as it was the furthest thing from my mind. I didn’t exchange phone numbers or anything like that with other people and I work in a hardware store and get hit on constantly. I also didn’t get drunk and tell him what I really thought about him. Most importantly I didn’t go and talk to his ex CM when I very easily could’ve (and very much wanted to) since I found her through FB.

I didn’t go driving by their house like he had accused me of on many occasions even though I don’t have a car and even went as far as to say that I want in an Uber..who the hell has the time and the money for that? He was the one that was stalking…there he goes projecting again. The only thing that I can think that I did wrong and I said this before was when I started to match his shit energy because I had told him if I felt him pulling away that I would pull away 1000 times more.

One time we were on the phone I forgot what we were discussing but I had said to him that I was reacting off of him for something that was him being a shit of course. I tried not to ask him too much about when the hell we would spend some quality time together again whereas in the before times he would come see me everyday. I also tried with every ounce of my being I could muster to refrain from asking if he was ever going to do any of the things that he said he would do in the beginning of course.

So what did I do wrong? Hold him accountable to his bullshit and match his energy pretty much. He said I became negative towards the end but that was because of his mistreatment and disrespect towards me, it was reactive abuse and he would even tell me sometimes to “get mad, blow a gasket..” I know it would be ideal to not let other people’s actions or lack thereof dictate our actions and feelings but it proves extremely difficult.

It doesn’t help that he was going out of his way to do the things that he knew damn well would cause me massive amounts of anxiety, discomfort and hellish pain. Trying to teach me…teach me what? Not to trust anyone ever again? To hate men? (I adore men, just not how the majority has treated me) Who the hell does he think he is anyway? Talk about a superiority complex. What the hell did I do so wrong? Love him too much? Apparently so.

What? Was I too needy? He didn’t seem to have any kind of problem with it in the beginning he even kind of bragged about it to one of his friends. He said to me “I know what I’m getting my hands into..” in regards to me, whatever the hell that meant. I would prefer to not think of it as “needy”, just unmet needs. I told him from the jump that I love hard. Sometimes I think he used this against me he even once said does he think he targeted me (my words) because I loved hard as it was not the case, so he said.

What? Was he mad that he couldn’t make me cum and that I didn’t fake it? Too bad..try harder and try the right way. Maybe I’m just too beautiful and awesome for him, personally, he did say that I was “too much woman for this world”. This I choose to believe that he meant. Because it is the truth…I mean I do get 2 periods a month sometimes so I’m too much woman for my own damn self! Lol

It really seems as though he was the last one I’d love like I did. I even said to my mom he was the end of the line and he even said it about me once on his own accord. But for real, I seriously and honestly, with my entire soul and being, most definitely think and feel as though I will never allow myself to be swept up, caught up and playing along to the lovebombing/futurefaking disguised as “love”. I will never, ever, ever , everrrrr go through that or feel that ever again if I could help it at all.

Yeah, no more butterflies or love or whatever the hell “romantic”shit he did manage to muster up. I feel like that was the last time I would ever have that or anything close to it again and I’m still trying to figure out if that’s a good or bad thing. You know it has been said through many reliable sources that butterflies aren’t necessarily a good thing but a warning system to stay away,rather.

I should be glad to never have to go through that again especially if it’s all gonna end the same like the last couple of ugly and abusive fucks did. Wow. I really hope I enjoyed it while it was happening the best to my ability. Even if I was always wondering what the catch was or when the other boot would drop.

This is fucking sad and it’s making me feel hopeless and destitute.. ugh! I just had a random memory of when we had a bad rat problem at my house awhile back. We had done all we could to get the rat issue under control and then EBA starts showing up around there and they disappeared. Haven’t had any problems or seen any since..funny how even his own kind doesn’t wanna be around him, lol.

Having a cat helps, too. That’s a little manifestation story for another time, I think I’ve ranted enough, gonna go enjoy my blessings and I hope you do, too. Thanks for reading, I love you!

To Kill A Pickme Bird

I would really like to believe that he wasn’t some kind of narcissistic sociopathic asshole that gets off on abusing and mistreating women just because he’s got some kind of chip on his shoulder for being such an ugly, fat, short, bug-eyed little toad that needs to use his “ex” girlfriends money to impress people. I would like to believe that all the nice things that he said and did in the beginning were real and that he really meant all of it. I would like to believe that he just got too scared and old unhealed wounds opened up and he was re-traumatized by how much love I was making him feel. 

Remember, he’s not used to people being so nice to him and he even said “scary” when it came to how much he loved me..I mean of course I always entertain the thought of a man lying to me but still. He’s a (now) 53 year old man and still running around a hurt little boy and causing a ruckus in the hearts of those trying to love him. I am very understanding and open-minded and I could have worked with him the best I could but the mistreatment, disrespect, his hateful energy and racism is no deal.

How can you be a racist and have so much hate and try and tell me I’m your girl and that you’ll marry me? I am mixed with Puerto Rican and Filipino. Yes, I may be a “white girl” but I got the islands in my blood. The very second he told me he was racist and that he “used to” solicit the services of call girls..I should have just dipped the fuck out! That’s how bad of a place I was in when he found me… he told me “ I got you when you were vulnerable”, but within the context with which it was spoken as well as what my ears wanted to hear I took it as him looking out for me and trying to protect me. 

He said I was “too nice” and that I can be easily taken advantage of and stuff like that. I didn’t think he would be one of them. That motherfucker put on a good ass show, for real! The horrible part about all of this is that I’m over here alone with nobody to distract myself with or to exchange energies, if you will. I am most definitely not used to being single or not being in some kind of relationship and it’s very, very hard. I get to think about him probably off tricking and manipulating some other poor soul into loving him and feeding off of their energy. He could also be using hookers to make himself feel better and good about himself and all that bullshit while I’m over here fucking suffering to all hell when it comes to him and my lack of love life. I wonder if he thinks the same about me having a fuck-fest. When I met him and I believe he asked what’s the longest I had ever been single and I said I never went more than 3 months all proud like it was a good thing which I thought it was but now I’m reconsidering even though 🎶my loneliness is killing me🎶.

“You know what consumes me about you?” He posed the question to me in the truck one day. Then he proceeded to tell me that he thinks that I would just go off into a car in a parking lot with somebody and suck them off. I’m sorry but I was in a relationship with him and I wouldn’t even dream of it. I was in the process of leveling up and evolving and killing my pickme so I don’t know why he would even say that. He was probably projecting so we should just call him “IMAX”. It could very well have had something to do with the fact that I had a high sex drive and that he couldn’t make me cum. It doesn’t mean I would’ve just ran off with anybody I was all about his stankin ass and his stankin ass only! That was part of the problem I should always keep my way tf options open and it’s what I’m going to do from now on no matter what.

When will this incessant and intrusive longing and searching end already? It is a soul crushing an unbearable pain on my psyche and spirit. What is this great hunger to preoccupy myself with another person outside of my being? Where is this coming from? I wish I could just go to therapy already. I have a full-time job that I love, I go to Roller derby practice I do arts and crafts, drawing, writing and creative things. I have my kids and fam as well as little goals that I’m working towards and I got my skating. What is this obsession with entangling my whole entire being and worrying about misogynistic, closeted-gay fucktards that get hard from hurting me/women in general? Why do I feel like I need their approval when they don’t even approve of their own damn selves!?

Are my daddy issues that deeply rooted in my subconscious that I can’t even function like a normal person? Daddies leave, Daddies hurt you, Daddies aren’t always available, Daddies are human and I can’t sit here looking to have all my problems solved and have someone fill a Daddy-shaped hole with security, contentment, love and fulfillment especially an abusive one that claimed to “need healing, too”. I have to be my own Daddy! Huh. We used to refer to EBA as “Daddy” in and out of the bedroom. I remember when we first started talking and he said to me “you don’t wanna make daddy mad, do you?” He barely even knew me but boooyyyy if that didn’t get my pants tingling I don’t even know what! Such a great salesman telling people what they wanna hear with his sweet-talking lies. There’s a special place in hell for people like him and I hope and desperately pray that I bear witness to his burning and suffering!!

Ok, I think that’s enough for now, once again..thanks and I love you! 😘❤️

Stalker In The Rye: When A White, Conservative, Republican Boomer Withholds Affection

This is where he would hide in his truck and watch me like a giant coward!

Let’s start with when I first gave him my phone number and it took my getting hickeys from a guy I was messing with before he used it. He would come in to my job to visit with me before he texted or ever called me, we even sat in his truck during my lunch just to talk. He had told me after we got together that he fought himself like utter hell to not pursue me like, What? I’m some kind of forbidden fetish? Is it that he was still in a relationship and was cheating? Well I guess it’s a damn good thing I got rid of him, huh? I should thank my lucky stars If I never see him again. Anyway, I have no filter so when I met this guy I pretty much trauma dumped all over his face, held nothing back and he knew everything about my life. I may as well have handed him the playbook to my pain which was suuuuch a smart move /s. 

I had expressed my interest in weekly fuckings to him not necessarily with him per se but just in general. It’s safe to say that I have a much higher libido than he did and I don’t know if a lot has to do with hormones, upbringings, traumas and a whole soup of circumstances. Another factor is that he was in his early 50s, had health issues and didn’t take care of himself so it wasn’t easy for him to get and maintain erections even around me. I mean I could really care less since he ate a whole bunch of pussy and it’s all about the clit anyway, right? Still never made me cum no matter how hard he tried but it was for his own ego and not so much for my pleasure. 

He did this weird motorboating thing with his mouth on my clit which is nice and different and all but I don’t even use vibrators and that’s not how I’ve been pleasing myself for 27 years. You would think that he would want to learn how to do it the way I am acclitmated to if he wanted me to cum so damn bad! Please keep in mind the timeframe that I am referring to at this moment that I was a major huge pickme. So as we were getting to know each other and stuff it really seemed like he made me wait a very long time to have sex. I would say about 2 months since we met which I know should be about 3 to 6. I mean I always knew, I just didn’t care but I sure do now! 

He is sitting there talking to me and telling me that we should bond more first and that after we have sex it would get way more intense and I didn’t know if he meant for me or for him. Probably for him since I never got to orgasm even though he really thought he could make me, I mean he really, really tried but like I said, in his way. I don’t know if he really meant that or that maybe he was trying to manipulate me into being hooked to him, thinking it’s what I wanted to hear or maybe he wanted me to think that’s what he thought. Just like he’s talking about me being “wife material” and he barely even knew me. Thinking that just because I’m a woman marriage is the first and foremost thing on my mind. I already have my children and I’ve been with my baby daddy for 16 years (he asked me a couple times to marry him and I wasn’t feeling it) I know what that life is like and I don’t wanna go back.

I don’t know why I thought I was going to marry him and be happy about it. Probably because I thought that he was going to rescue me from my mother whom he is almost exactly like, paging Dr. Freud! Even after a while when I saw he was starting to be an asshole I thought that it was OK and that I can deal with living with him in Georgia as long as I get some lovin’ out of it. LMAO! Yeah, right.. he is the KING of withholding affection as punishment. If he even THINKS you did anything “wrong” like have boundaries, standards and/or hold him accountable for his bullshit you get nolove and maybe even some silent treatment to sweeten the deal. He’s even told me before that “good girls get rewarded” like I’m some kind of fucking dog. 

Oh, let’s be careful with that analogy as he has admitted to me on various occasions that he prefers dogs because “you can kick them around and treat them like shit and they’ll never leave and they’ll never cheat.” The outright audacity.. but I digress. So not only was I a big time pickme I was also a giant-ass people pleaser. I even told him this…what a stupid thing to do. I love everything about sex I think about it all the time and I’m down for whatever, whenever. He told me the women he used to be with would often ask him annoyed if he was done yet (if that was even true) but I was the complete opposite of that. I love to do everything and I mean everything,ok? 

I was always in the mood and always ready to go so he had no reason to withhold sex unless he was punishing me or he just gets off on non-consent. He had even once said to me that I should tell him “no” more often. Yeah, yeah, yeah. guys like the chase and all that but I thought sex was how you showed love plus I was bored and “needed” the validation. It’s funny, for someone who likes and thinks about sex so much, I never fucking have an orgasm from it and don’t start with that “you just haven’t found the right guy”. So ALL those guys I was with, ALL were that bad, huh? 

There was a good amount of them, too and a lot of them tried the best they could and god knows I tried on top of them as well. One of them I lived with for 16 years and he has seen 3 of his children come forth into the world through my portal and I couldn’t cum with him, either! After awhile with EBA it felt like I was begging and chasing no matter how much I left him alone and waited for him to initiate. Sex was a big subject I talked about and always felt like asking when we would have a session again more towards the end which highly contributed to our separation.

Of course in the beginning times he would text me my “good morning”’s, something in the afternoon and then I would get my “tell-me-you-got-home-safe good night”’s. This is after the relationship was a little bit more established. The first 4 months he would come see me every single day and I even said that he shouldn’t come see me that often. The very first day that he couldn’t come see me was at the end of June (4 months out) just before the housefire and by then I was starting to panic even more and really feeling unsafe and insecure in regards to him. He knows what it means to me to hear from him on a regular basis and this was before I knew I had an anxious attachment style (from what I gather he’s avoidant or just a raging sociopathic and narcissistic asshole).

After our first major fight in December 2020 when I saw that stupid post but I didn’t tell him but we still fought about it, I’m sure he knew, is when he started to slack on the communication with me. I would even go a week or so without hearing from him and that never happened before so it catapulted me into panic mode. He told me he was trying to teach me..teach me what? To hate men? I thought I could handle it at first but after a while it was physically affecting me and making me very, very sick. 

I didn’t like the feelings that he was causing me and the little bit of money he was giving me wasn’t worth the absolute emotional turmoil that I was being wrung through. So in May 2020 is when shit really started to go downhill and it was just a little bit after Mother’s Day. I got a little tipsy on wine and couldn’t take it anymore. I told him off through text since he didn’t answer his phone after a certain time of night because he claimed to be sleeping and then I blocked him.

It took 4 months which was 2 weeks after my birthday before I first saw him drive by the garden center of my job staring at me through tinted windows but I knew it was him. The Trump paraphernalia all over the truck as if he was personally hand-picked to participate in the Orange Man circus gave it away. The chemical reaction that I got was off the charts..I was shaking so very badly and my heart was pounding through my chest and I didn’t know if that meant it was a good thing although I don’t see how or I should be scared (or wary of him) even though I’m not scared of him at all. 

All I know is that I didn’t like the feeling and it was as if I had my anxiety cranked to 10000. For the next couple of months he would drive by and watch me and sometimes, just to further torture me and keep me from getting over him and reminding me of his unfortunate existence, he would sit in the parking lot and stare at me for periods of time. I didn’t like that he just sat out in the parking lot and didn’t come in and talk to me that really pissed me off.

In January I saw him drive-by one busy Sunday afternoon and I went to unblock him to ask him what he wanted and before I could say anything he had started to text first and here’s what happened:

EBA: I got my eye on you still, girl. I’ve been watching you the last couple weeks from a distance (it was about 4 months at that time) I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you. I will make it up to you just give me some time (sounds like a confession to cheating) I also don’t wanna cause you any more trouble so if you don’t speak to me. It’s well deserved.

I wasn’t gonna answer like at all But after an hour I couldn’t help myself..

ME: what do you need more time for?

EBA: I still got too many obstacles. I couldn’t help myself anymore after weeks of watching you at work. I had to make some type of contact with you. I don’t know if it’s a good idea because I don’t want to give you false hope (that’s all he’s been doing for as long as I’ve known him)sorry if it’s a bad idea.

ME: obstacles like what? Hooking a new victim? I have no false hope. I’m not even the same person at all. You told me I would never change but I was changing since I met you. I have obstacles too, you know, but I always prioritized you and I take some blame b/c I gave you the gun to shoot me with. So whatever, a real man would get out and talk to me to my face. Have a good day, *his name instead of “daddy”*

EBA: you have toughened up. That’s good, that’s what I expected. I don’t need another victim (woooooow…) remember I also thought of you as my friend and yes, I did something terrible to you (there it is again!) and I’m sorry and I know sorry isn’t good enough and I should have spoke to you like a man for that I am guilty of, I have no excuses. But thank you, your text answered my question. Stay strong and I’m proud of you regardless what you think and please don’t let this ruin your day. (WOOOOOOOW)

ME: (rolling my eyes) I am very disappointed that you led me on so much, I knew I should not have ever trusted you. I was right and you can’t ruin my day, you don’t have that much power. Im always happy at work, remember? (He knows I get tons of attention and hit on all day every day)

EBA: I wasn’t leading you on (the lovebombing and the future-faking was off the friggin charts! He was the one who said he wanted to marry me, and “more than adored” me, ok!?!) but in a way that’s what it looks like (his claims of mentally unraveling after our Dec. fight are looking pretty true) I did, it’s ok. Im sorry once again I just wanted to make some type of contact so I can get closure on it (I’mthe one that needs it! Also I know he’s just throwing out his shitty line to see if I’ll still bite) and now I know how you feel and with every right. It’s all good, it’s very well deserved. Thank you for clearing the air. Have a great day, *my name instead of “pumpkin”!! 🤬🤬🤬).

ME: you will never know how I feel and you should give yourself your own closure. You don’t need to involve other people in the circus going on in your head.

EBA: you’re absolutely correct, wasn’t trying to make closure on your end. I know you’re over it ( I wish!! Even almost 2 years later am very, very far from “over it”) I’m trying to put closure on it on my end (he’s the one that pushed me to block him! He knew what he was doing) and you’ve done it. Thank you and stay strong. This is what I expected of you, (the whole “everything I do with you is for a reason” quickly sprang to mind) I’m proud of you I didn’t mean to do what I did to you (still did it, tho!) trust me, I just want you to know that (doesn’t make anything better at all in any way, shape or form) and less of a man that I always spoke about (??) so you keep moving forward be strong like you’ve already shown me I feel a lot better now (I don’t, I feel a million times worse!) that I know you are strong, mentally fit and moving on with your life (I. Don’t. Have. A. Choice!!!)like I knew you would 

ME: I’m over it (still not, don’t think I ever will be!) b/c you left me no choice. YOU did this (just noticed there was no “I love you”’s or “I miss you”’s within this interaction) I absolutely loved you I HAVE to be over it b/c I have a whole house to take care of and I need to concentrate on finding lawyers and surgeons (he didn’t ask why). Im not as crazy as you thought I was (still stand by the belief that he wanted a manic pixie dream girl to help him forget about himself).

EBA: never thought you were crazy. I knew you were fragile b/c of your stressful lifestyle with being the only one everyone depends on. Like I said, there are no excuses for what I’ve done (he really makes it sound like he fucked my sister or some shit!) just keep doing what you’re doing. Stay strong and I’m proud of you. You’re a strong woman, I’ve always said that and I’m sorry to ruin your day (I think he wanted to for an ego boost at this point!).

M: you didn’t, this was actually fun.

EBA: just keep going on and make like we never made contact (I’m re-reading this almost a year later with tears in my eyes and it STILL PISSES ME OFF!!).

M: no problem

EBA: see? Nice blunt tough answer. I always knew you were a lion, one more question I have, were you giving me the finger today when I passed by?

ME: I’m a lady and ladies don’t flip birds (he was big on the “lady” shit, probably because he wishes he were one!)

EBA: you are right and I am proud of you. I’m glad you’re thinking along those lines so my time with you wasn’t all bad. At least you can think about you are twice as strong now as you were before you met me.

M: whatever helps you sleep at night, buddy.

Then I re-blocked and he still stalked after that for like 4-5 more months until I sent that note off with his co-worker.

I’ve threatened him with a restraining order before and I didn’t think he really seemed like the type to back off even if he is under multiple investigations and stuff. I have told him in the past, when it was still good, that a real man will kick down my door and drag me out by my hair and claim me. Don’t mind me I’ve always considered movies like “Natural Born Killers”, “Dracula” and “Sid and Nancy” to be romantic in nature.

I have threatened him with a restraining order over the phone one other time but he didn’t stop he only stopped after I sent a note off with one of his coworkers. I wonder if he’s mad at me that’s why he’s not trying to talk to me but why would he be mad at me? Was it because I cursed him out and dared to block him like a common fuckboi? if he doesn’t want to get treated like a common fuckboi then he shouldn’t act like one! 

I’m trying to figure out if he’s staying away from me because he’s actually respecting my boundaries or it’s a form of punishment because it sure damn feels like it. Then I have to remember that being in a relationship with him and his true self when he’s not lovebombing and pretending is more of a punishment than anything! I remember after our December fight I said to him that “I have boundaries, now” and he whispered back to me “boundariessss”..I can almost hear the hiss! 

Now I have the daunting task of trying to convince myself that stalking is abusive and not romantic. I begrudgingly continue to entertain the thought of him keeping his eye on me one way or another wether it be from afar and/or through flying monkeys and I have to ask myself and pontificate as to why I would want that? Like I said, 43 years of re-parenting, re-conditioning and re-wiring so it’s a good thing I am single and not getting caught up in the chemistry of fuck.

Ok, thanks for reading and hope your day goes well. Get some lovin’ for me. I love you!

The Biking, The Witch and The Whore Clothes: Tales Of Fuckery and Complacency

Well, after my last entry I went into the bathroom and cried my ever loving guts out. Through clenched fists and teeth and eyes shut tighter than Fort Knox I prayed with every piece of energy and pain I had. “Let him suffer. Let him sufferrrr..” I came back out to a raging storm out side I had to bike home in. It’s fine, I rather it got me on the way home than on the way to work.

Witchcraft..I have always been drawn to it and there is a family history of it on the maternal side as far as I know. I really only started to actively practice about 3-4 maybe 5 years ago. There are some instances that stick out to me at this time. I remember one time I told another piece of shit ex of mine we shall call “puto”, I said to him “there’s a big storm coming your way and it’s got my name written all over it!” I never talk like that but something made me and I was drinking at the time. So as it turns out the very day I said it there was a tropical storm brewing with my name! It never made landfall because I stopped being pissed I guess, lol. That same day I spoke into existence a couple of other small things.

Some other very weird and unexplained situations and happenings with him and lightning and mind-reading stuff. I had a lot of mind-reading with EBA as well and a whole hell of a lot of synchronicities. He knew I was actively practicing and even joked about my having a crystal ball. I know when I unwittingly manifested this creep-o I would listen to “You Got It All” by The Jets on repeat and I mean RE-PEAT. One day when things were still very, very nice or maybe it was just a nice day with him because he didn’t have me all fucked up yet, we were at some random restaurant and then he asked me “did you really call for me?” and right then and there that song played out of the ethers and it’s a very, very old song I never hear out in the wild. The lyrics were how I felt about him at the time. Well, same way I called for him I can uncall for him and that I did by praying and begging with every last inch of my soul for protection and peace.

One other time in the beginning when he was still hiding most of his fuckery, I was in the break room at work and I felt with all of my energy and being how much I wish so, so, soooo bad that he didn’t live with CM. I was putting a lot of thought energy into it and then he texts me later on to tell me his mudding truck caught on fire and spread to a good portion of the house..too bad it didn’t do the whole world and himself a favor and get his stankin’ ass! Yes, I could contribute all this to coincidence but where’s the fun in that? I haven’t been actively practicing as of late like starting around August because I was spiraling into a deep and dark depression and was calling out of work a whole lot which is concerning because this is my happy place and people are nice to me here and I keep busy and make bank.

I don’t know if the depression made me not really care about actively practicing (I say “actively” practicing because I believe with some things that have been happening that I’m passively practicing without meaning to) but it’s just as well because maybe I shouldn’t be practicing whilst in a dark state such as this. “This” because I still have the depressions and the anxiety as well. I have so much anger and rage it’s unfathomable..I wanna say it’s because of what transpired between EBA and I and it is to an extent. My mom told me that maybe everyday worries about living in this society and things of that nature is what is really causing it and I just need to/it’s easier to place blame on him. 

I put my fair share of blame on myself for entertaining that shit when I knew better and had gut feelings and bodily reactions to the underlying fuckery that I was blinding myself to but I held out so, so very much hope and just prayed to every known being that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could be wanted, loved and adored on a genuine level but the consistency? He didn’t provide that for very long. I never really felt safe or secure with him, anyway. Just hoped and prayed..wanted real love and it looked like he may have been able to give that to me the way I felt was acceptable for a hot minute there. Of course when he started to pull away and completely do a 180 on how good he was to me I kept blaming myself (still do sometimes). What did I do wrong and how can I fix it and get him to treat me how he was treating me in the beginning? How do I get THAT guy back? Every resource I run this by says that it’s most likely the lovebombing and him securing his mask to get me hooked to him and how he was in the end is how he really is.

He did say to me “my relationships don’t last” when he had me bathed in love hormones, of course. Why did I think I would be immune? Ugh! One of his co-workers came into my job and called him. “Lover boy” when I asked if he knew him so I could give him a note to give to him. On the note I wrote: “if you don’t leave me alone, I’m getting a restraining order” and kissed the bottom with lipstick. The dude read it and asked if he came in to bother after I told him about EBA sitting in the parking lot to which I replied “he doesn’t have the balls to” and I PRAY that was relayed to him! I haven’t seen him stalking me at work since I sent that note off and it pisses me off that it didn’t prompt him to come talk to me and/or try harder!

It used to drown my baby hamsters when he’d just drive by or sit and watch from the parking lot and not come in and hide behind the stack of buckets like a normal person or even try to talk to me! Why do I still feel like I want him to come try to talk to me? What would he even say? Would I believe any of what he would spittle out of his head, anyway? I never really and fully 100% believed anything he said to me even in the beginning.

I just thought it was because of my past traumas and insecurities but maybe I was picking up on his shady character, too. “I’ll come back for you when the time is right” he once told me after the very first time I hadn’t heard from him for a very long time (2 weeks at the time after I saw the 2020 new years’ post CM put on FB) “just give me 10 years” he told me..I thought he meant for us to still be together and give him 10 years but now I don’t think that’s what he meant. So, yeah..I don’t know what this shit is of wanting to see and talk to him again when I know it’s better for me to not be subjected to his manipulation and abuse..addictions and trauma bonds and bordem, I guess..if I had someone else to “play” with I wouldn’t even be thinking of him as much, tbh. Shit hurts..

Ok, that’s it for now, on the next episode I get into how he basically forced me to block him, his subsequent stalking and the last time we communicated with each other. As always, thanks for reading and I love you!

In Search Of Lost Wine

Here we go again with the mulling, wish I could want to stop, wish I wanted to not care anymore and just let the whole shitshow fucking go, already! Why do I hold on so tight? Why do I feel this incessant need to torture and punish myself? I was thinking of the ways my life has improved since I berid myself of the fuming toxic masculinity that permeated off of this short uggo that hates himself..

1. Signed up for my 410k at my job that is already coming in handy for me.

2. Invested in stocks.

3. Almost didn’t get my tax return (big-ass amount) because of student loans but I got it due to the ‘Rona and it prompted me to get on a payment plan for the loans. 

4. Fixing my license by myself.

5. Got the stimulus checks so I didn’t feel like I had to ask him for help with shit.

6. Received early child tax credit which I desperately needed to feel like a normal person even just a little bit.

7. Received maximum food stamps so once again I didn’t feel like I needed to ask him for shit but by that time I wasn’t talking to him anymore but still..

8. Won a good amount off of a scratch off with my birthday as the winning numbers.

9. Opened up a bank account.

10. Took over all the bills in my house and the mortgage and everything (I never lived with him but he used to help me out a whoooole lot with money that I don’t even think half of it was his, tbh).

11. Actually kept to myself and staying celibate and not entertaining just any old monkey in the circus.

12. Not drinking heavily, no relapsing into destitutional alcoholism.

13. Going to get notary and actual license after the holidays.

14. Manifested awards and high recognition and praise at work.

15. Not having holidays and special occasions absolutely decimated.

Omggg, I spoke already in my first post the absolute fuckery of having to spend my first (and only) birthday with this supreme asshole from hell! I never really cared much for my birthday for many a reason until EBA and his lovebombing. So because I thought what he was doing in the beginning with all the attention, money and the stupid, ugly bracelet I didn’t even want was the real thing (his “love” for me) I expected to have a nice enough birthday. I told him all I wanted was to just have a ROWDY day where I ride around with him to job sites and just spend time with him. No fancy eating or jewelries or anything spectacular..maybe some butthole licking for me..nbd, right?

Well, the whole week of my birthday he basically shit on after I did the best I could on barely any income and not easy to get around to stores to make him a nice birthday. Ok? Day of my birthday I had to pull a “happy birthday” out of him and like the day before he said in a very mean way that he wasn’t coming to get me day of my birthday to which I was just hoping he had forgotten. The day after when we were supposed to spend a nice time together he angrily tells me his son sprung some court shit on him last minute and he doesn’t think our day would be that long.

You know what I’m thinking..so we ride around and I give him a late birthday (his) present of a custom made hat he seemed to like enough but I never saw him wear it or use any of the little things I managed to get him. So, I’m in the truck a lot and he’s doing his office meetings and stuff. I guess I should be glad he gave me some money but it wasn’t any more than what he usually gave me monthly and I used it in groceries and some stuff for my daughter’s birthday and I had to go in the store by myself and feel rushed.

So I come back out and see him talking to some woman and I’m just standing there scowling and he bellows “get the fuck in the truck!” Then I hurriedly get in and he says she was asking for blood donations (I still believe this) so he’s driving and bitching and I’m thinking if I wanted this abuse I would have stayed home and took it from my mom but at least I’d be getting my butthole licked, right? Ha.

So he’s bitching and driving and calls me “narcissistic”..ok, I could see where he’s coming from and I have to admit that I may have some of those tendencies but a full blown personality disorder? Boo-boo, that’s you! Anyway, he takes me home early which I didn’t even wanna be there and I try and get the groceries out as fast as I can and he seemed to have felt bad enough but not too much, god forbid. He never came to lick my butthole which I associated with “love” but at least he called me to tell me so I could hear his voice rejecting me on a personal level.

Reliving this I’m almost TELTing again but I was getting upset and self deprecating and angry af earlier at my register, my eyes darting to every royal blue long sleeve I saw..every white pick up truck..every silver head..wish I didn’t care, for real! Told my mom if it wasn’t him it would be someone else and I said this whilst in love with this righteous asshole from literal hell!! 

The thing about the jewelry is that we thoroughlydiscussed what I wanted because he asked and I was very specific about what I wanted. A week or so later he sends me a pic of a Pandora bag and I’m thinking it’s what I have always wanted but didn’t think I could get myself. Please tell me why it’s the complete opposite of what we discussed. It was nice enough but that’s because I wasn’t used to the lovebombing and never had anyone buy me jewelry, not even my baby daddy but that’s because we were raising children and paying bills. 

What kind of manipulative shit is that anyway? That ugly ass bracelet he made such a big deal about is at the bottom of the canal as we speak and the jewelry I wanted is resting beautifully on my neck brought to you by me. So now when my fucking birthday comes around I make it a damn point to spoil myself and this last one I got my diamonique tennis bracelet myself. So I’m sure between the gold name necklace and my bracelet I have spent double what he did with that shitty fucking bracelet I hated! Ugly ass clunky and gaudy shit getting in the way of my push-ups! 

Ugh! I have so much unadulterated rage on the purest level of Hades’ inner circle of all hellfire! Am I sure it’s not period time? Lol. Joke’s on me sometimes I get two periods a month or even all month long if I’m a lucky duck! Alright, dudes..that’s enough for now I think. Once again thanks for reading and I love you!

Lovebombing, Trauma Bonds and Gaslighting, Oh My!

Found myself getting extremely and supremely disturbed thinking about EBA and feeling my loneliness/bordem to a great extent awhile ago, even got a touch of the TELTS (teary-eyes, lumpy throat). Thinking about in the beginning when it was very nice and refreshing from the last couple shitheads I had the misfortune of enduring. Thinking about being in love and if I will ever have that again if that even was real love…sometimes I wonder.

Dwelling, mulling and ruminating…Is it time for another dance session? Last one I had was a week and a half ago where it was an alcohol-fueled 3 hour dance fest and I hate drinking! Hate it. If I had to sit here and kill my sobriety I would do it with ouid. Dancing, imo, works very well for me in transmuting negative energy and release but I don’t get the opportunity to do it often. Ugh! I was doing so well for that week and a half not beating myself up or getting upset about this shit and his fuckery and my allowing and engaging in it!

I mean, it’s not period time but I am 43 with a history of thyroid issues and whatnot. I am very horny right now or at least I think I am. It very well may be a strong need for external validation/a bordem killer because I know that I won’t have an orgasm whomever I deem worthy of being with me. But as I have stated before I cannot feed the pickme I’m in the process of eliminating and I haven’t met anyone worth a damn. Would be nice if I could finally be with a woman like I’ve been wanting to! I’m part of a roller derby team, for Odin’s sake and I’m middle aged, how have I gone this long without experiencing the love of a woman!?

So, anyway, if I were to text this young guy to smoke and possibly fuck (I’m sure that’s what he meant when he invited me to smoke but I ain’t asking) it would be a severe set back to my level up journey and I sure af do not want to be a magnet for shit like that just to be, once again, feeling used and end up heartbroken since I have attachment issues and that’s with not having an orgasm with anyone. I only ever was able to with one guy 20 years ago (and I have been with a good amount of them and BD-babydaddy- I was with 16 years and never came) but I had to be on top and I remember fantasizing about him being a woman with a strap-on whilst I gripped his a-cups for support.

Let’s not forget that I also have to keep my energy/aura clean because you got me fucked up if you think I’m gonna sit here and allow yet another fuckboi to muck up my shit physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I believe I am an empath and pick up on energies very strongly..I be getting fucked up out of nowhere for no reason a lot of the time. Anyway, I was thinking a lot about something I wrote about in here previously regarding how I believed that EBA wanted and needed me to be some helpless, broken mess of a woman.

One of the things is how he said about paying me my little baby salary so I didn’t have to work when he barely knew me. He didn’t know I absolutely love and need to work, have been since I was 16. He said to me about how he knew my type without even barely knowing me and how I was “toxic” for him and shit. I think he even once called me an actual “mess” but claims to not have remembered and he probably said it because he was mad about something unrelated to me. But when he did call me that I remained quiet because I really didn’t think much of it.

He would tell me even if we weren’t together anymore (out of nowhere when shit was still going pretty good) he would still give me money..that was a lie. He really used money that most likely wasn’t even his as a love band aid and even said to me “you know how I love you? Because I give you money” to which I disagreed in a quiet and meek way. Love does not equal money nor happiness, it provides distraction if we’re not counting bills and necessities. I wanted his time and attention like he so seemingly effortlessly provided in the first couple of months.

As I have previously written in here that I was on a self-improvement and level up journey when this fucktard came into my life and he knew it. So he saw I was serious with asking about how we would fix my license which he said “we” would do, no matter what. I had said to him a couple of times in regards to my development that a lifetime of re-wiring is going to take awhile and to be patient and shit. He had once said to me that he wished he met me 5 years prior and then I educated him to the fact that I was a real god awful drunken whore mess and he didn’t seem to mind much and I think he even repeated it a couple times later on.

Some other things is that he saw I started to take over the mortgage payments and all the bills in my house. Spoke with him about what he thought I could do to be better, talked about personal improvement, let him know I was doing a lot of research in regards to this matter. There was a time he said to me “you’re very smart” like he was surprised. Just because I’m a single mom working as a retail cashier doesn’t mean I’m some brainless idiot that’s gonna take shit from anybody! I can advance in my job when. I’m. Ready. To!

I had also spoke with him about going to nursing school which I’m kind of changing my mind about now. I have me bachelors in medical assisting but I’ll consider that after I get my car and when. I’m. Ready. To.. ok,one time I said to him “just because I don’t ask questions and stay quiet doesn’t mean I can’t figure shit out” when he started acting up and I had seen the post CM put on FB of them together in a pic with people saying “what a cute couple”..I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so demonically ugly, tbh.

I didn’t tell him I saw the post but he knew I used to check. I told myself it was an old pic she put to make me jealous and angry..why? Who tf knows? She also posted some other shady ass shit when he had to “go out of town” for our first “holiday” together. Omggg! I remember itbb (in the beginning beginning) I expressed to him my excitement of being “with” him for the upcoming holidays when the only one I really cared about was Halloween back then almost 2 years ago.

I had also once said to him that “I’m waking up, I’m starting to see” but truly didn’t mean it in a nefarious way and then he had to get off the phone suddenly. Another thing is after we had been involved with each other and I had no life but work I told him I was going to get back to roller derby and he seemed supportive of it. Even told me no matter what I did that he would support it but if someone has to tell you something then they’re just trying to convince themselves. Then I saw he was starting his shit and acting just like the other pieces of shit so I started to make up shit and pretend to have a social life. I lied about going out with friends, co-workers, going to the company Christmas party and winning awards which I manifested nearly a year later and had even lied about going out of town to light some kind of fire under his ass!

Please explain to me why he insisted on us bonding when we first met and made me wait what seemed like forever to me (2 months) to be intimate with him. He had said to me “if you think this relationship is just about sex, you’re wrong!” with such a passion that I almost believed him. He even reminded me throughout our time together of his opinion. I have a very high libido, it was higher than his but then again he was an out-of-shape man in his early 50’s with health issues and had slight ED that I knew of.

Ok, you know what, this is long enough, I’ll post another later and thanks for reading, I love you!

I Know I’m Hot But I Ain’t No Back Burner Bitch

A “manly” Easter basket for a little boy!

So I pretty much have been raised and conditioned to be an outstanding pickme, I mean who hasn’t, really? After the last shitshow with EBA transpired I came across FDS, a subreddit that really helped me level up as much as possible. I visit it daily and try to abide by the handbook the best to my ability considering… Now to say my pickmeness was at a nose-bleeding height whilst entangled with EBA is an understatement. I tried so hard to be the best I could for him the only ways I knew how and I still got fucked over. I have been trying to kill the 40 Year old pickme for almost 2 years now so I am a work in progress.

I still have my days, as we all do, where I am rife with the self-blame and emotional self-flagellation and thinking that I am not or was not good enough and all that. It’s hard because healing is not linear as I have said before and breaking a trauma bond is an absolute bitch! Anyway, EBA claimed to have been broken up with his ex, CM even though they still lived together..it is Miami, after all. He had said to me that he was not involved with her “out of love, lust or romance but necessity”. What that necessity was only one can surmise given the information that was spewed to me. I believe her family has money, she was the one authorized to move money in between accounts, they owned real estate properties together and she supposedly had incriminating information on him that could put him away for awhile.

So God only knows what the hell else was going on between them that necessitated his involvement with her. When she found out about us her socials became very active, posting pictures and statuses of the two of them as if they were some happy couple still fucking and whatnot. Everything all quiet until I came into the picture. He didn’t have an FB because he said it was “a recipe for disaster”. Well, guess who made him one and was his only friend? Her.

I asked him what the deal was and he said she didn’t want him to be happy. Why? What exactly did he do to her? Between her postings, him still living with her even though after the house fire he claimed to be sleeping on his brother’s couch which I have never seen and him being soooo far up her ass that he may as well have been her proctologist..it’s safe to say that I felt like a glorified side chick. I had no problem being the other women just before him but like I said killing the pickme as it does nothing but cause straight up harm.

I was on a level up journey when I met him and he knew and encouraged this or so it seemed. I once told him “part of me evolving is not putting up with shit” because of some minor thing I think he did that may have been CM related or gut feelings/red flags or a combination of all of it. So then he says to me “do you wanna take a break?” and I couldn’t figure if it was because that’s how he felt or was testing me. It was still very new and he didn’t let his mask crack all that much just yet and I held out supreme hope and I always tried to find the good and the bright sides.

Wen we first started he knew I was having problems with my license. He adamantly proclaimed that no matter what “we” would fix my license. We had gone to some lawyer’s office where he introduced me as his fiancé and had told me when he got me a car that he would chip it and all that good stuff but no one was around when he said that to me. They took info but it wasn’t until about maybe a week later he told me that he was told it would be $100,000 to fix it and that I may need to claim bankruptcy. It was already locked in my head that I wanted to fix it for real and said that I wanted to go the bankruptcy route.

I didn’t even care about getting a car I just wanted to fix my license and start getting my shit for real together. Months go by and he didn’t bring it up after I had asked a couple times what can we do to get started and all that. I said to him I can’t keep riding a bicycle forever to which he said I wouldn’t and took the opportunity to point out that I used to be focused on being a drunken whore without saying as much and that I was more focused on being better.

So I do some digging and find out that CM had on her background a bankruptcy claim and some other shady shit as well as an ex wife of his. This was after he forced me to cut contact with him so I just did the shit myself and it’s $10,000 to fix my license, not $100,000. I am now on a payment plan for that and some basic auto insurance and just have to pass a written test after the holidays due to having failed already and funds as well as having spiraled into a deep, dark depression of which the likes I have never seen.

One time I told him in December of 2019 “if you piss me off, I will never talk to you again” and he got real quiet and if memory serves I believe he meeked out a “really?”. He was disappointing me left, right, up and down and every which way to Sunday. I felt as though I was begging and chasing after having had him be super hot and sweet on me to a great degree then you could just forget that shit!

I get around on a bicycle and sometimes an Uber depending upon the situation and weather. He had bought me a bicycle two different times instead of giving me some shitty little car he said he had for me. Which, again, I could care less. As I’m not ready for an automobile yet. I’ve had them before, I ain’t missing much. My son needed a bike so I went to a professional shop and got him one. $600 (2 Walmart bikes) but it’s worth it, he’s worth it. That abusive fuck, EBA, knew damn well I use a bicycle as a car and I ride hard across multiple terrains in the Miami weather and I’m a big girl. Why did he think shitty Walmart bikes would be able to handle all of my awesomeness?

Some of my thoughts and musings based upon some of the utter shit that flew out of his oversized head led me to believe that he wanted me dependent and reliable solely upon him. The first month of us talking he had said to me that he would pay my salary so that I wouldn’t have to work. I am a full-time cashier in retail, my salary ain’t that much. I laughed so deeply when he said this to me. I have been working since I was 16, it’s all I know. I love working and even as a pickme I knew that it would benefit me to have my own money even if it wasn’t a whole lot. I still got by and with three kids, too.

I knew to not have to be dependent upon a man..A MAN. Especially the kind I entertained, for Odin’s sake! He knew how much I loved to work as I reiterated it throughout the festival of fuckery that was our relationshit multiple times with great feeling. He was talking about his job and had said to me “you’re happy when you go to work” all resentful like the damaged child he is. He had even went so far as to say to me “you have what’s considered a shitty job” which in the context he said it made some sense but come on!

I have prayed immensely for the job I have, I enjoy myself there and am very much looked out for. It’s a big company so there is opportunities for advancement when I am ready, it’s a great environment, I get plenty recognition in all forms, I have a wonderful schedule and I get many benefits. The benefit I receive is a key factor in my purchasing a much needed new bicycle to get to and from work.

The bicycle I have been using has been under repair way too many times and he got it for me thinking he was some kind of hero and me thinking it too because I didn’t know any better as old as I am! It is very cathartic for me to be buying myself a new mode of transportation with my money that I worked for and of better quality as well. 

Well, that’s everything I got for today, I feel loads better so thanks for making it this far and have a wonderful day! Love you!

When We Are Grateful, Blessings Rain Down

This is where he’s ending up!

“He died in the fire, he died in the fire, he died in the fire…” I have to remember to chant this to myself when the ruminating of EBA starts up in my head. Why did he do this to us? Did he ever really love me? Does he think of me? Does he miss me? Why isn’t he trying harder? Why didn’t he try harder? etc.. I was actively into witchcraft when I “called for” this shit which I should have been more specific but I do be praying to be stronger sooo…

Anyway I never had bad intentions with crafting of the witch persuasion as much as one can. One time I had told another ex of mine, “Puto”, with great feeling that “there’s a storm comin’ your way and it’s got my name written aaaalll over it!” Lo and behold that very day a tropical storm began to form with my name but never hit landfall because I stopped being upset, lol.

Another day in mid-July of 2019 when EBA and I were still fairly new I remember sitting in the break room at work and just putting tons of energy into wishing so, so, so very bad that he hadn’t lived with his “ex” he claimed to be broken up with and had no feelings for (I know, I know!) and that afternoon he tells me their house had a fire. Now it’s very possible that it’s all coincidental but a bruja can dream..

Besides, he probably set the fire for insurance fraud for all I know. He does have a history of it. So this is around the time (5 months since starting this shit up with him) that I started to feel the energy shift in a direction I was not happy with. The effort and stuff interest began to dwindle but I thought it was just normal stuff but nothing about that shitshow was normal. Still having trouble getting over it and letting go because trauma binds got a chokehold on a bitch. I just tell myself “he died in the fire” because he might as well have.

I had a superb dancing/some drinking session on Sunday night and felt like I cleared out some bad energies in regards to the pain and disappointment that was EBA and connecting with women in the fam helped as well. So I haven’t felt as distraught over him as of late even though it’s been almost 2 years after the 1.5 year shitshow of hell! Then again I really think I need to check my hormones, too..

On that note, I know that complaining brings more things to complain about so when I go off on a tangent about this to process, clear and unload I have to also recognize the good/blessings in my life..”attitude of gratitude”..if you will.

Gratitude List:

1. My good health
2. My legs
3. My family 
4. My awesome job I love
5. FDS on Reddit
6. My dancing
7. Not giving my body/energy to toxic and abusive fucktards
8. My skating skills/roller derby 
9. That I haven’t seen him around
10. I don’t financially depend on anyone really (baby daddy-BD-helps with stuff but it’s his kids)
11. That I’m able to share my thoughts and feelings with you lovelies
12. Strength
13. Sense of humor 
14. Beauty
15. Smart
16. That would can have awesome and wonderful orgasms

I can’t believe this..I was gonna marry him for Odin’s sake! Why? Because I thought he’d “rescue” me? From what? I mean like he told me “I got you when you were vulnerable” and my mom was giving me a hard time and stuff so I wasn’t doing all that great when the universe decided I needed to be broken more when it sent me that piece of shit! My mom hasn’t been as much on my back since I took over all the bills to help alleviate the stress off of her and stuff. I mean she has her times she goes off but it’s not as much and I try not to take it as personal.

If I didn’t marry my BD who put up with my crap for 16 years (I was a loooot worse) and he treated me like a queen and asked a couple times then why would I marry this crusty ass, old, racist shit fuck I barely knew? Ion really even believe in the social construct of marriage, anyway. “I’ll slay all your demons, girl” he once said to me out of nowhere, eyes bore into my soul. What did he think? That’s what I wanted to hear? Well, I kinda did..but it has to come from a genuine and authentic person from a genuine and authentic place! Fucking tryna white knight me. Who would save me from him!?!

The day I stop searching for his traumatizing ass behind every “Trump” sticker, every white pickup truck with a Florida flag on the front bumper, every royal blue, long-sleeved, button down PFG shirt and every combo of gray heads covered with a cap and eyes hiding behind sunglasses even indoors is a day I will utterly cherish and I’m sure it’ll happen gradually and I’ll have my times as healing is not linear and all that good stuff.

Well, that’s all I got for now as I have to get back to work soon. I’m in the mood to smell the men, especially if they’re sweaty for some reason. Whatever. It’s probably just my period talking. Thanks for listening and have a wonderful day!

I Am Dead Ass SICK Of “Dating” 

My pug is very, very sad and dry af!

You read that right…big surprise, huh? I don’t know if it’s my algorithms or that whole “what you focus on grows” but it seems as though a whole lot Of people agree with this, especially in Miami! This is my very first post, obviously, but I’m warning you right now that I’m going to be doing a whoooole lot more bitching than not.

Also another warning is that I don’t think that this is going to be very structured, I’m probably gonna be skipping all over the place. Just somewhere for me to come and vent and share my thoughts with whomever can vibe with me. Gotta find more creative outlets because apparently my brain, anxiety and depression don’t think hot gluing random things on pens and painting/drawing is enough. Quite honestly, posting here is stuff I can do whilst I’m on my lunch at work when I need it the most.

Aaahh, lunch time at 10:30 in the morning where I always spiral into a depression afterwards. I work in a hardware store and I absolutely adore my job even if it is retail. I have benefits, a good schedule and opportunities for advancement when I’m ready for it. Not to mention I get my fix with the admiration from the customers and maybe I do a little flirting here and there which is fun when I’m not dwelling on EBA (narcissistic, emotionally abusive, manipulative, lying POS ex that nearly broke me) and the whole shituation with that!

To explain that whole..thing..with EBA I’m just gonna put my list in here..it’s long af.

DODGED A MISSLE

PROS:

  • a lot of financial help (mostly in the beginning and all signs point to it being his “ex”’s family’s money)
  • made me laugh
  • same sense of humor
  • nasty, fun sex when it rarely happened (he really put in the work and was super attentive with oral)
  • a lot of consistent attention in the beginning (“Good Morning” texts, making sure I got home safe, etc..)

CONS:

  • financial help severely dwindled after awhile (when C found out about you and when you decided to have standards and boundaries)
  • couldn’t orgasm with him (almost did but body didn’t let you)
  • emotionally unavailable/abusive
  • stopped communications SEVERELY
  • waaaay up ex’s ass due to financial and litigational ties and god only knows what else
  • racist af
  • homophobic (yet his daughter is married to a woman)
  • EXTENSIVE criminal record (agg. assault third degree felony, violence, theft, obstruction, etc)
  • proudly boasts of his card carrying member of the KKK status
  • has no healthy relationships with ANYONE (including family) in his life
  • no relationship with his Mother or sisters whatsoever
  • refers to his grown children as “bad investments”
  • says he likes dogs better b/c he can abuse the shit out of them and they’ll think it’s love and never leave and never cheat
  • didn’t bother to learn how you touching yourself makes you cum..would have rather tried it his own way and when that didn’t work he insisted “you should have cum by now” even though to most likely cum with him you’d have to be on top and spent more time getting used to each others’ bodies but missionary was his preference
  • thinks money solves the problem of absence of emotional availability and quality time spent together

The Slow Decline

1. Didn’t come to visit for the first time after almost everyday (as per HIS insistence) end of June 2019 when it was still honeymoon phase.

2. Had house fire (that he most likely set for insurance fraud which he had a history of) stopped coming to pick you up from work as much even though it was HIS idea and that you’re the “highlight of his day”.

3. Monday (9/16/2019) week of birthday he “accidentally” blocked you and angrily yelled at you as he picked you up from work that “I’m not picking you up tomorrow!!” Which was day of your birthday. Day OF birthday you didn’t see him AND had to drag a “Happy Birthday” out of him. Next day you guys were supposed to just have a nice ROWDY day and he picks you up in the morning (think it was this day he screamed he was feeling pressured but you thought he meant from something else b/c his life is one big stressful, clusterfuck mess) and he proceeded to tell you you guys couldn’t hang out too long b/c his Son needed help with court stuff (out of nowhere) plus you gave him a custom made cap You ordered for him that day. He DID give you $$ for Walmart but stayed in the truck while you rush-shopped. Yelled at you some more, called you “narcissistic” and said he’d come back for you later after he helped his Son. He called later on to say he can’t come (already figured that out) and that you’d have to “lick your own butthole”. Didn’t come in to have cake with you like 3 days later, no gifts, no flowers (EVER), no sweet words, no special treatment of ANY kind. Could you just like not forget how you had scrape money to go to buy yourself a cake? He only gave you like $150 that whole month plus whatever but he didn’t buy you any gifts or make sure you were OK the day that you did your cake or anything like that

His birthday was about a week before yours and you baked him a fully loaded Oreo cupcake with a candle and sang to him and made him a birthday gift basket with thoughtful gifts ( that he never, ever used or wore..EVER. Not ONE of them) as well. He had thanked you and told you that made him feel very special and then he looked to the ground like he was ashamed but this was BEFORE he shit all over your 41st bday.

4. Keep in mind that while all this is happening his so-called ex-girlfriend, CM, is posting a whole bunch of crap on Facebook/instagram to make it look like they are together and some happy couple and then he bought a dog for her and all that good stuff. 

5. The ONLY time he had his belt undone b/c of his “stomach bloat” when he came to pick you up, you had to yell at a crack whore to fuck off that he was talking to for some reason but then again he’ll chew ANYONE’S ear off that’ll listen or stand within a 2-4 foot radius of his abrasive obnoxiousness. WHY was his belt undone THAT ONE AND ONLY TIME HE CAME TO PICK YOU UP AFTER “TALKING” TO A CRACKWHORE!?! That’s BEFORE his treatment of you got REALLY bad!

6. Red flags that came out of his mouth/actions when you guys FIRST started talking:

“I haven’t stabbed you in the back YET.”

“You’re toxic for me.”(he barely knew you unless you yammered on about more than you can remember)

“I like you b/c you like me.”

“I like you but I like me better.”

“I’m a monster.”

“She’s not a WHORE!” (He pretty much defended C and pretty much calling YOU one at the same time when you were questioning him about the dog park pic/caption she posted.)

“I’m a bad boy but I’m a good man.” 
(He said this a lot..what the hell does he mean by “bad boy” and if someone is a good anything, they shouldn’t have to convince themselves or others so much.)

“I have a dark mind.”

“But I’m hurting you, pumpkin.” (Forgot the context)

“I’m not nice.”

“I’m not recording you or anything.” (FIRST started talking)

“You can be my mom.” (During a phone convo when you said to him you wouldn’t tell him what to do that you weren’t his mom)

“I’m an asshole.”

“I know your type.” (He barely knew me)

“…mentally unraveling.” (More than one occasion)

“I got you when you were vulnerable.”

“Do you know how many pair of tits I bought?”

“I (used to?) get call girls.” (HELLO?!) he also admitted to using their bodies for masturbating, what makes you think HE would think you were any different?

(On 3 separate occasions)
“I like dogs b/c you can treat them like total shit and kick them (he’s done it before) and they’ll think it’s love and never leave or cheat on you.”

“ I want to mold you. I want to fix you.”

“I’m not recording you or anything..”(FIRST first started talking)

“ I block things that bother me.”

Me: you’re manipulative 
Goblin: so are you
See, he didn’t deny it AND he turned it around on you!

“ You don’t wanna make daddy mad, do you?” (In regards to what? You can’t recall AND he referred to himself as that whilst barley even knowing you. But you just loved it as well. Not anymore!!!)

“I’ll be checking your phone/tracking your car (when you got one) when you’re my wife.”

“You’re too emotional. You’re not strong enough.” (i.e. won’t tolerate his bullshit and mistreatment)

“You deserve someone much better than me.” (two separate occasions and I’m sorry but what the hell is that even supposed to mean?)

“Everything I do with you is for a reason.”

“I have (a lot of?) female friends.”(almost like a threat)

“My relationships don’t last.”

“You’re too emotional and you can be controlled like that.” (Thought he was warning you about someone else trying to manipulate and control you which maybe he was but certainly wouldn’t put it past him being the one to do such things at this point)

“I’ll take whatever comes my way.”(couldn’t tell if he was joking with the customer or not, of course the customer was a female even though she was not his type)

“You don’t tell ME what to do, I tell YOU what to do.”

“I (do things) you don’t even KNOW about.”

*Handed you $500 cash “for your friendship” when you guys first started talking and didn’t even kiss/barely touched (If at all) yet. Who else has he done this with whilst possibly with you?

“You have a fatal attraction to me.” He had no reason to say this to you AT ALL not to mention he couldn’t even make you cum, really? Really.

“You take away the food and healthcare and you have control over them.” When talking to my bro about political stuff.

“You have what’s considered a shitty job.”

7. When he came to pick you up from work (Was always very, very happy to see him) and he sat in the parking lot for awhile then came in and told you he had to go help a friend with some curtains (out of nowhere).🙄

8. Another time he came to pick you up and took you home with cleaning stuff and You forgot bike at work and had to go back to get it (he insisted you did it on purpose) and he made you ride it home in the dark with all black on b/c supposedly he couldn’t leave dexter (the dog he got for his “ex) alone any longer. 🙄

9. Told you you have what’s considered a “shitty job” ( DEAD ASS PRAYED for said job and they take VERY good care of you and your schedule is the tits) he once told you “you’re happy when YOU go to work” very resentfully.

10. In the beginning the very, very beginning he winked at that waitress right in front of you while you guys were having breakfast at a restaurant plus he deeply, straight up LEERS at other women right in front of you as well. He also used your bisexuality to objectify them to you.

11. REMEMBER your initial GUT feelings and wariness upon first meeting and talking with him. Remember HOW SICK you got when you first saw the FB post from her of him and his brothers and her caption and everything (you had a whole lot of physical ailments all of a sudden since meeting him). He said YOU ruined HIS Saturday and you got very, very sick at work with dizziness, headache and bit of a stomachache and you had to leave early. You always doubted and had suspicions even in the very, very beginning. Why did he ask to meet your kids when he first met you? Remember how you thought for a very long time that he was a pedo.

12. CONSTANTLY seemed to be filling up EVERY. SINGLE. TINY. hole of time he possibly could with ANYTHING he could such as pets, projects, work, people and GOD only KNOWS what or who else. It’s like he can’t stand to be alone with himself without having to delegate work or try and fix somebody or their problems or something.

13. You HATED the way he French kissed in the beginning and quite frankly it never really got any better.

14. The time he threatened to leave you knowing FULL well you *had* fear of abandonment so you wouldn’t “take advantage of the relationship”.

15. Having a little “fight” over the phone after she posted him and dexter at the dog park and he said like more or less “you don’t even KNOW what (or “the things”) I do”.

16. He PERMEATED toxic masculinity. didn’t he once or twice tell you that he was raised to believe that women were here for his pleasure did you hear that right?

17. Had accused you of having “psychotic episodes” when you wouldn’t text him back in time for no real and tangible reason that warranted as having one of those. Had also said something about having a fatal attraction to him out of nowhere for no reason as well. 

18. Yelled VERY loudly at you to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” in Walmart in front of several ppl for no good reason.

19. “Joked”/made observations about he/she’s one too many times for your taste.

20. Told you when he found out you checked ex girlfriend’s FB that it was reason enough for him to let you go. God forbid you should know who you’re dealing with and if he’s lying or he means what he says if he’s gonna be around your kids and claim to be their step daddy.

21. Don’t forget that when he first started talking to you and was trying to get into your pants that he looked away and stared at Teresa for a very long time when he was still just trying to talk to you. And what about the time you’re sitting in the truck with him when he came to see you when he was staring at the neighbor across the street the whole time you were right next to him?

22. In the VERY VERY beginning he accidentally sent you a pre-typed “let me know when you get home safe” message too early and immediately you thought he was copy/pasting to others and not only that but what kind of business-like bullshit is a pre-typed and scheduled message to someone you supposedly care about and love?

23. Recanted childhood memories of favoritism of his sisters (of whom you were told he no longer communicates with and has expressed subtle rage against) with an air of great resentment.

24. Had occasionally accused you of following him or driving by the house he shares with C even though You don’t have a car. He said that you used an Uber which makes no sense b/c Uber doesn’t do that and who has the time or money to stalk a short, ugly, flaccid and hateful old man who can’t even make you cum? Accused you of having a fatal attraction to him out of nowhere for no reason whatsoever itb and hello, why? See above reasons!

25. Had a supremely strong response to your reaction upon seeing C’s post of him and Dexter at the dog park when they were together and questioned and confronted him. He said that women were weak in every aspect he can even imagine in other words and how men were so much more stronger. He knows the things that you have been through with other men and the lies, deceit, betrayal and other things and then he has the audacity to Shit all over your already fragile emotions that you have a hard time not expressing because you feel them so deeply because you thought you loved somebody.

26. Once asked him what constituted as cheating and he didn’t have any answers to that question. Pretty much said that there was no definition.

27. Named his dog after a fictional serial killer for god sake!

28. He told Kiana right in front of you that he USED to be your boyfriend while still giving you money, coming to visit you and having sex with you. Then he wants to talk about “friends with benefits” after he was saying he wanted to marry you and then he more than adored you for god sake!

29. He had told you that he could never give himself 100% to you verbatim.

30. If you recall correctly didnt he say something about being Catholic and super religious (which is hypocritical because he is racist, homophobic and he’s having premarital sex) Catholic, really?

31. Remember that time he told you to “get the fuck out of the truck” and you remember how you responded? You said “ooooo, you know just how to talk to me”. What kind of bullshit was that? He said he felt bad about it later but did he really? He “jokingly” talked to you in that way at other times.

32. Remember how he responded to you when you said that you were not gonna be mistreated or disrespected? He said if you guys should take a break and then he had the audacity to tell you to “tighten up”! How dare he use “City Girls” on you.

33. He said to you that you remember everything in such a way like it was a bad thing, almost like he was offended.

34. He told you that you haven’t seen the extent of his rage and when you said you didn’t mind and to show you (why did you say that?) he made it seem like it was an absolutely terrorizing thing that cannot even be described with mortal words. You could feel the suppression and disgust with himself at the other end of the phone, the air was thick with it.

35. He caught some guy coming up close on you at work and got really really mad and then said that you were going to be a problem for him and he was probably going to end up in jail because of you. Before that you had a very strong intuitive feeling that he would be the type to blame rape victims.

36. He had pretty much confirmed that his intermittent reinforcements and punishments (your observations) were so you wouldn’t take the relationship for granted. But what about him? He’s the one that shouldn’t take the relationship for granted either.

37. He once told you that he would never hit you but he would probably kick a door or punch a wall. Who’s to say that it eventually wasn’t going to be your face or somewhere on your body?

38. VERY adamant on me loving him “just a little” (never sat right with me). Why? ‘Cuz he knew he would disappoint and disrespect me with his emotional unavailability?

39. That time around October when he came to work to tell you that he wasn’t going to take you home because he was going to his friends house he never even went to and after he left you got the most overwhelming dizzy feeling Youve ever felt like ever. You have never felt it before and you haven’t felt it again and your eyes and won’t cross you couldn’t focus on your vision or any of that for no absolute reason at all.

40. When he (most likely more than once) “joked” about making sure you had your bag and everything in it in case he kicked you out of the truck and you would have to find your own way home.

41. When you wanted to cuddle up on him in the truck while he was driving which he had no problem with before when his mask was firmly in place he more or less dismissed you and used the word “detach”. That very well may be a personal thing on his end but as much as you love to give and receive love, do you honestly think that you could be happy or “mildly content” with someone so emotionally unavailable that it would also make you ugly and riddled with health problems you do not need nor have the time for?

42. Please don’t forget about the time when he was taking you home from work and you asked him to touch on your clit for a little while and he told you “no” claiming he had chemicals on his hand. Remember how that made you feel. 

43. How about when he said to you that you should tell him “no” more often in regards to sex like it’s some kind of game or commodity. Unlike others he’s dealt with as far as you know, you don’t use sex as punishment or reward and just enjoy the connection and pleasure of it. He seems to be one not used to that concept even if he did make you wait for it and referred to it as “making love” but who knows if that was a card he was playing.

44. His exact words to you after the first big fight b/c of his neglect and the New Years post you saw but didn’t say anything but sure he probably knew you knew were:

45. “I’ll never change and neither will you” who tf is HE to say you’ll never change like it’s such a bad thing? He also knows that you were in the midst of a rewiring of a lifetime of a certain belief system, thought patterns and an overhaul of a personality change. Did you witness HIM doing any of those things? *^^read above^^*

46. What’s this shit about me accepting/tolerating his “lifestyle”? WHAT lifestyle? He never DOES anything? Wtf is he hiding?

47. Remember when you guys first started talking he referred to it as an “interview” and that is not a good thing!

48. That time he had told you that you guys had been “together” for over a year or more like he had stuck around and didn’t that count for something? Like HE was doing YOU a favor!

49. Ummmm, did you forget you actually SAID the words “I like to be used” to him and that you were a people pleaser? WTH were you expecting?! Take accountability..a whole ‘nother list in and of itself.

50. What about the time he explained the difference between an open-handed smack and a back-handed one? Even did the gestures and everything.

51. Referred to a co-worker as a “cute black girl” even though he racist af.

52. Can we please venture back to Valentine’s Day of 2020? You texted him first thing in the morning with a sweet “happy Valentine’s Day” message only to have him ignore you for HOURS and to finally respond after you double/triple texted him and HE KNOWS how you feel about Valentine’s Day and what you’ve been through only to replicate the same treatment and behavior as the others. But with him it was waaaayyy worse b/c you had expected more from him after all he said, promised and “did”.

53. “She’s not a WHORE!” He said very strongly in defense of C and a subtle-not-so-subtle jab at you.

54. He uses people for his own personal gain.

(As per his SUPER involvement with C) “it’s not out of love, lust or romance but necessity”. HE 👏USES👏WOMEN!!

55. He never opened the door for you, not even the first time. Never came up to the house to pick you up or drop you off.
Ex: 
refers to his own children as “bad investments”.

Has used prostitutes.

He referred to you as his therapy.

You may have been just fine being used, a people-pleaser, a fixer and/or a band-aid to LV scrotes in the past but you are NO ONE’S pickmeisha doormat ANYMORE or EVER AGAIN!!!

55. Remember the told you the story of when he brought home flowers to somebody and they didn’t like them or they were the wrong kind then it resulted in this big, huge fight where he kicked a dog. He never ever got you flowers and you repeatedly told him which ones you like.

56. Remember what he said (if it’s even true) how his Dad (with whom he claimed he had a horrid and abusive relationship with) was never home and only came around to “dump a load” in his Mom (also estranged from).

57. He “joked” about him trying to have sex with a dog and his mom (having sex with a dog) too but on separate occasions.

58. What about that one time you guys were talking on the phone and he asked you if you ever thought about “getting some strange”. What the fuck is that shit? Projection/telling on himself, probably. Remember, the guilty accuse. Why would he need to get strange when you are WAY down for sex adventures at ANY given time? You. Don’t. Need. Or. Want. That!

59. Even after NC he drives by and just stares at you from the parking lot, can’t even grow balls to come talk to you to your face. When you DO communicate with him he throws the mixed signals, takes credit for your strength, says he doesn’t want to get your hopes but still drives by to watch you.

60. Compares you to a steak with a hole cut in the middle of it as a compliment.

61. Remember that one time that you had mentioned about how he doesn’t really spend much time with you anymore and then he said that he can always find things to keep him busy. He made it sound like he was doing you a favor by spending time with you.

62. Remember he told you he “balled” all his ex wife’s FRIENDS b/c she “balled” all of his!

63. What about when he “jokingly” told you about being involved in a church youth group but had to quit because it was being investigated? Even if he WAS just saying that to see what you would say (especially since he knew you were wary of men around your kids for obvious reasons) it’s still very fucked up.

64. Extreme preoccupation with “he/she’s”.

65. What is with the manipulative ass BS of him asking you what kind of jewelry you like and you give him a variety of a specified type and make then he has the audacity to later on send a pic of a Pandora bag and not tell you what’s in it. You think FOR SURE it’s the necklace you’ve been wanting and thought you couldn’t get yourself since he insisted you guys talked about it at great lengths. So what does he get you? The ugly ass Pandora bracelet you never liked and he kept adding “meaningful” charms to it. Never anything you liked. He KNEW you wanted a gold name plate necklace and got you that instead under false pretenses!

66. You had mentioned one time in the beginning when things were good with him how excited you were that you had him and how the holidays were coming up and then he dismissed it like it was no big deal. 

67. The money thing…he handed you $500 cash when you guys were barely talking. He said that you know he loves you when he gives you money which you don’t agree with. Remember the phone convo with his son? “What do you mean I never threw the ball with you? But I bought you *this*, *this* and *this*.”

68. You guys were still just getting to know each other and he saw writing on your hand and said “you’re cheating on me already?” And I doubt y’all even started kissing yet. So he’s always gonna think that b/c he’s either projecting due to a guilty conscious (which if he were cheating does not in ANY WAY diminish your value or worth and there’s nothing you can do to stop it from happening b/c of his insecurities) or your just that awesome and beautiful he knows it’s a lot of work to keep someone like you interested in him for long or both. Remember when he kept bringing up about how he hoped you didn’t replace him or “bored-of-me” talk which also could have went both ways. What about itbb when he has said to you “you’re the only one that will talk to me”. That right there is a very loaded statement, either he was “settling” for you b/c he took “whatever came his way” and/or he didn’t show you JUST HOW MUCH OF A (self-proclaimed) asshole-trash-monster he is!

69. I’m pretty sure he pulled the “…bleed for 7 days and doesn’t die..” trope. Let’s not also forget when he said to you “I know you think actions speak louder than words..(whatever excuse he came up with)” then proceeded to get even worse in his treatment towards you.

70. When you were in the truck one night on the way home and talking about how he’s slacking (not in so many words) and he said like something about do you think he’s doing it on purpose and that one time where he said like how you told him that you love hard and he took advantage of it, if that’s what you thought and stuff and he may as well have admitted to it all.

71. When he mentioned something about what you were wearing when he was going to meet you at Superwheels and how it was too revealing and the same thing about your tank too you ride bike in. Funny how they were both leopard print…

72. Remember, just re-mem-ber when you were on a nice ROWDY day with him that he got on the phone with one of his “female friends” and proceeded to have a VERY lengthy conversation with her when you, beautiful, awesome and wonderful YOU were riding in the truck right next to him. It had triggered you into absolute tears because of past abuse and mistreatment that you could most likely sense he would perpetuate which he, in fact, did. This was in the beginning, ok? When it was still somewhat shiny and new, for Odin’s sake!

73. Don’t you EVER forget how he made you feel and how he was treating you the day he took you to get your bearings. You were sitting right next to him in the truck very sad and dejected thinking FOR SURE you had to break up with him. 

74. Remember when you friend requested C under an alternate FB? Remember what he said? That he could have left you for just doing that! UGH! Why did he make you feel so insecure about the relationshit that you had to even do that in the first place!?!

75. He told you about how his Dad was so abusive and mean and that he would just come to “pump some cum into” his mom and then leave.

76. When you were talking about how he “used” to be with hookers and you said about him using their bodies to masturbate into and he had agreed.

77. You mayst have said AT LEAST 10 times that you know someone really loves you if they come to derby for you. He kinda did a couple times and even once said that he looked for you at practice in the VERY beginning.

78. When you said about how you were trying to forget about Jorge and he told you “you’re STILL trying to forget about him” which you didn’t think was true then. So yeah, he was projecting?

79. Remember the story he told you about telling his daughter when she was younger the importance of going to college when they were in a fast food restaurant so she didn’t end up like “those people”.

80. On HALLOWEEN DAY, the most sacred of all days to you, not only did you have to twist his arm to come see you for all of 8 minutes in your Wonder Woman glory which he should have moved heaven and earth to be with you on that day but gave you like 7 whole dollars and didn’t even meet up with you later to hand out candy or nothing which you constitute as an act of love. Let’s not forget that even though he claimed to be “rich” he couldn’t be bothered to buy you the sandworm inflatable you REALLY wanted after having shit all over the whole week of your birthday not even 2 weeks prior! AND you had to apply for a payday loan around that same time b/c you were too scared to ask him b/c your intuition was SCREAMING at you but you chose to not listen.

81. How about he picks you up and you see your favorite flowers in the back but it’s his son’s truck and they were for HIS gf!?! How. Many. Times you told him the flowers you like only for him to never EVER get you any but had no problem throwing money around? He could have gotten his secretary to do it for god’s sake!!

YOU HANDED HIM THE GUN WITH THE AMMO

1. “Oooo, you know just how to talk to me.”
When he “playfully” told you to “get the fuck out of the truck”.

2. When he got mad at you for checking C’s FB (b/c why tf not?) You were crying and ACTUALLY SAID that you didn’t deserve his good treatment which wasn’t really all that good to begin with.

3. You lamented on how miserable you were at home and hated being there. A lot.

4. You said you didn’t care what he did just don’t make you suffer.

5. You put up with bare minimum like fucking in the truck/fuck motels, fast food instead of nice places, riding around with him to job sites, etc.

6. You continued to entertain him after he told you he lived with an “ex” girlfriend and saw he had to hide out from her when he came to visit you.

7. You made things for him, bought things for for him and cooked or him, why?

8. You told him on your own that you liked attention which I’m sure he didn’t like since he said all that would stop when you “became his wife”.

9. You told him ALL your past and said to him that not only did you love hard (he used this fact against you verbally twice) but that you were also a people pleaser.

10. “I don’t deserve you” you said to him with tears streaming b/c he was upset that you friend requested C under an alternate FB.  

11. YOU PUT UP WITH AND ALLOWED ALL THE SHIT!!

12. You FLAT OUT told him that not only were you a people pleaser but that you also “likes to be used”! 

Some shit you said:

“The less I know, the better.”

“I’m a people pleaser.”

“You know what? Fuck it, I like to be used.”

“I know I’m loved if I get hit.” He never did that even though he MOST DEFINITELY seemed like he would..even told you he had a massively explosive temper.

“I never apologize.”

“You can be a little more mean to me.”

Well, I guess that’s enough for y’all to chew on for now. I’m leaving work and going home to have a sip of cough syrup since I ran out of 🍃🍃 and they canceled roller derby due to the rain today.

Thanks so much for reading of you’ve made it this far and have a wonderful day!